i. Bontemps: She's Unstable, She Has A Dead Sable

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i.

The bell rings and Amanda Bontemps looks at her bumpy with calluses hands, and imagines what her fingers will look like when she pays the stack of bills splashed with crimson. She wonders if they’ll become long and spindly, if the meat will be thawed away, and whether she would finally have piano fingers.

She grimaces at the thought. Derek Southward, who had once imagined the twisting of her colorless lips was a smile through a body-filled school coridoor, escorts her to her locker and then the grocery store.

He says, “Your eyes are purple, you know.”

Amanda’s shoulders travel up and down to indicate a question. She knows her eyes are brown, and blinks at him to tell him so, at the same time quickening her pace.

“No, under.”

Derek stops, forcing Amanda to do the same. With a big open hand he caresses the shadows with his thumb, then leans down and kisses her where he touched her. Derek puts his arms around her and she hugs him back, grateful she can lean on him for a little while. But Amanda breaks away quickly, before she feels too safe or loses too much time.

She has to get home soon, to make lunch and supper and prepare an exact dose of medicine, and study for her finals and practice playing the piano for her mother, and then run to the gas station for some of the evening and half the night. For Amanda the bags under her eyes become heavier than the groceries Derek is carrying for her.

They reach her house and she covers her face.

“Look, if things get too hard, you can always move in with me, you know.”

Amanda stiffens and at first Derek wishes he had said nothing; but he sees a bald spot on her head and knows that under long sleeves of a hot summer day there are thin red lines on her wrists. He worries, but other than muscling a path amid protesters picnicking on the lawn and reporters flocking Amanda’s garden, he does not know what to do.

“Did you know your mother is mentally ill?”

“Suicide attempts! How many suicide attempts were there?”

“She wears corpses! Burn her sable fur!”

Derek presses his hand to her ear, covering the other with his shoulder so she won’t hear their shrieks. But Amanda does hear, and feels bile at the back of her tongue and her breathing hitches when she sees Mr. and Mrs. Southward in the crowd, wearing ‘Save the Animals’ t-shirts and holding a white transparent with big red letters: She’s Unstable, She Has A Dead Sable.

He blushes and squeezes her hand. “Yeah. But the offer still stands.”

They stop before the door. Amanda hates herself for considering and hates the dimples that appear on her pale face and the warm feeling in her chest. Then Derek opens the door to let her in, closes it behind her before passing her the groceries, and she remembers why she rarely smiles. When it dies she wants to scream, and she cannot make a sound other than that of fingernails scratching pastel paint off a wall.
Last edited by Esmé on Sun Apr 25, 2010 9:39 pm, edited 2 times in total.




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Hey Esme!

There's something very sober, and yet dramatic about writing written in the present tense. The piece has a dark, earnest appeal to it.

Few nitpicks:
The bell rings and Amanda Bontemps looks at her bumpy with calluses hands, and imagines what her fingers will look like when she pays the stack of bills splashed with crimson.

I was really confused what I mean there. I kept reading it over and over again until I had "aha!" moment. So, I think you may want word in a different way.
For example: "her hands which are bumpy with calluses"
or "bumpy-with-calluses hands" Though I don't really like that one.
But Amanda breaks away quickly, before she feels too safe or looses more time.

loses

There are a few long, complicated sentences that halted the flow of the story, as I struggled to piece together the meaning of them because of the awkward way they were worded. It seems that often you're trying to give away too much information in one sentence, while trying to pass it off as being subtle. It doesn't work quite right and they end being confusing and awkward. For example:
Derek Southward, who had once imagined the twisting of her colorless lips was a smile aimed solely at him from a body-filled spectator stand to the other end of a football field, escorts her to her locker, then the grocery store and finally falls into fast, rhythmical step beside her as Amanda walks home.


Amanda stiffens and at first Derek wishes he had said nothing; but he sees a bald spot on her head and knows that under long sleeves of a hot summer day there are thin red lines on her wrists.


You kept many things vague, which I think was what you were going for, and you pulled it off well. It only added it to the mood of the story. I really enjoyed it.

I hope I was helpful. Keep writing!
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
--Ellen DeGeneres




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Hey, thank you so much for the helpful review! :)




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Where are all the comments that this piece deserves!?

I'd really like to see where you go with this. Right now you've set up a bunch of questions but haven't really provided any answers. Your writing style suggests that you know what you're doing, however, so I'm sure that whatever you have planned for this, no matter how little, it's solid work.

There were a couple of things phrasing-wise that made me feel like you were trying just a little too hard, but other than that, I really enjoyed the setup here, and the general flow. Nice work.
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It does show, doesn't it? Eek. But thanks for taking the time to read this :)



If I'm going to burn, it might as well be bright.
— Frank Zhang