A Timeless Masquerade

Let's get amnesia.
And go back in time
To where ballroom dances
Filled the dreams of people
Everywhere.
I'll buy you a mask
To make yourself a mystery
That even a scholar
Couldn't solve.
You'll buy a gown
To keep yourself eternally gorgeous,
A kind of beauty
That holds no price.
We'll have a timeless masquerade.
I'll prove to you that
I can exceed your dance etiquette.
And when I remove your mask,
I'll reveal your true art
Of attraction and choreography.
So let's get amnesia.
And go back in time
To where our timeless masquerade
Can be appropriately embraced
By thoughtless future generations.

So, this is my first time posting on a site like this. I hope you can leave me comments on how to improve my work.

hi i really liked this but...

JaceClayton wrote:Let's get amnesia. i think you could get rid of that fullstop
And go back in time
To where ballroom dances
Filled the dreams of people
Everywhere.
I'll buy you a mask
To make yourself a mystery
That even a scholar
Couldn't solve.
You'll buy a gown
To keep yourself eternally gorgeous,
A kind of beauty
That holds no price.
We'll have a timeless masquerade.
I'll prove to you that
I can exceed your dance etiquette.
And when I remove your mask,
I'll reveal your true art
Of attraction and choreography.
So let's get amnesia. again you can do away with the fullstop
And go back in time
To where our timeless masquerade
Can be appropriately embraced
By thoughtless future generations.[/size]

to me this was a breath of fresh air from the usual poems i read. good work.
-jackle-

Hey I love your poem but you already knew that. I like the idea and the thought behind it.

Hey I love your poem but you already knew that. I like the idea and the thought behind it.

I really like this. It gives off this real air of travellnig back in time and going to a ball.... Which is exactly what you were descrbing... Anyways, I like it. *clicks 'like'* It's a beautiful poem. Keep writing! *goes off to re-read the poem*

~Scarlett.

Hi! Brainy's here to review your poem.

Let me start by saying I love this. I actually read it twice back to back. Not because it was confusing, but because it was just so good.

I liked how you repeated this line:

So let's get amnesia.

I'm not quite sure if the last line is strong enough but it could work. I'm also not good enough at finding the rhythm to give you any advice there. Sorry .There was obviously no rhyme scheme, which I think is just fine. I prefer it that way . I like the general idea behind the poem. It's the usual, wanting to go back in time but you did it without being cliché, which is great!

Overall, I think you have a great poem here! Keep up the good work!

I like it a lot! Good word choices, and a unique idea. Keep posting stuff, I want to see more of your work.

Hey there!

I love the narrative voice of this poem because its so dramatic and to the point. Its beautiful and elegant and I really come away from it feeling, "that was actually quite good" factor. What I would suggest though, like another reviewer did, is reviewing some of your end-of-line punctuation because at the moment it tends to make the pace/flow of the poem a bit choppy, which is not generally a good thing because you lose that impact.

Hope this helps and keep writing!
Ben
*Likes*

Wow. I like it. Keep posting. I want to read some more of your work. Also, I kno lots of people have said they dont like the chopiness but I like it. It has a unique flow. Keep it up!!

~Shine

Great idea for a poem, I really liked it.
Keep writing!

Thanks you everyone for giving me advice and praising my work. I really appreciate it!

I love it. Ha ha there's nothing else really to say. Everything fits. It sounds like a really interesting song. I'd love to see the music video

Hey Jace, you did a review on my story, so i guess I should return the favour

This was awesome. I, having no poetic knowledge, am wondering if this is meant to rhyme or not...? Just thinking. It was, again, awesome, and I hope you have many more things like this up your sleeve.
Keep writing.

Olli