Cold Bitter Air (pt.1 of 5)

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Part One

Her sigh becomes a lonesome sound echoing off the walls of the abandoned town. Cold air seeps down into her bones, freezing her blood and weighing her muscles. The wind plays with her dark hair; teasing her.
She’s caught.
The draping silk dress she wears whirls with her as she pivots on her heel, searching frantically for an escape. Her heart thrums like a hummingbird, beating against her chest. She won’t be able to make it. He’s trapped her.
A loud crash of metal trash cans sounds in the alley behind her. She doesn’t turn and instead pushes off her foot, launching herself into a run. The cold bitter air fills her lungs. She tries not to breathe it in, but it’s too hard not to. It’s not like she needs it, though, there’s no one in this town to hear her cries for help. She’s in this alone.
Another crash yet! She turns a corner and into a different darker alley. Rats and disgusting creatures stray around her feet, scurrying away from her in a heartbeat. She walks quietly, taking extreme deliberation before each step. Her delicate hands tremble from the fright of being heard, her legs burn from running so suddenly, and she can’t see a thing. She nears the wall of the building closest to her and places her palm flat on the stone. She needs help. She needs her family. But they’re dead. And now she’s going to be killed, too.
His heavy breathing signals his arrival and she sinks down to her knees, praying softly to herself with a voice so fluid and soft the man cannot hear her. She clasps her hands together, the prayer turning into a simple melody with no words, but a soft tune. A five-note tune.
Without much of a warning, the man pounces on the girl and they fall to the wet ground, broken glass etching into the girl’s skin along with the man’s fingernails. But he doesn't move one more inch. He’s frozen. And his fingers loosen.
The man groans and blood comes out of his mouth, landing and staining the girl’s white dress. She looks over the shoulder of the man and sees a pair of blue eyes, a pair she is only too familiar with from the past few days. He didn’t mean anything, though. He was just a passerby. And now here he is, saving her life.
The boy that rescued her jerks his head slightly to the left and she crawls out from under the wounded man. As she stands, she notices that the boy has speared him. A crowbar is sticking out of the man’s back. She looks down and notes the blood drenched front of her dress.
One last time, the man jerks and the boy finishes him off. He pulls the crowbar out of him and throws it off to the side, wiping the man’s blood on the sides of his jeans. They stare at each other, neither saying a word.
The girl rushes towards him, wrapping her arms around him and laying her head on his chest. He’s taken aback for a moment, shocked that she would just run to him after he killed a man. The moment passed, though, and he gave her a squeeze back as she cries on him.
He smoothes back her hair, feeling it’s silkiness between his fingers. He likes it. He brings on hand to his own hair, tugging slightly at a lock of it, sure that it’s been long enough and she needs to get away from him. Even though he does like holding her, their practically strangers and that makes them hugging each other in the middle of the night something weird. She notices he’s not holding her anymore and she steps back, her cheeks flushing a deep pink. Her cream ivory skin shows no other color than that, the boy notices. He blushes, too, embarrassed for making her embarrassed. Then he realizes that he just killed a man and boys his age really shouldn’t blush.
“We should go somewhere safe,” he whispers. The girl nods, her dark hair falling in front of her face. On a whim, the boy steps forward and pushes her hair back behind her ear. Her surprise is enough for him to step back immediately and turn away. “Follow me.”

A/N: I have writer's block, so I'm practicing my descriptive writing. And I was bored. Like if you liked it!!
Last edited by diaNe cHavez on Fri Mar 26, 2010 4:33 am, edited 2 times in total.
The two most engaging powers of an author are to make new things familiar, and familiar things new.
Samuel Johnson

I'm not sarcastic, I'm simply verbally ironic.
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Hmmm... this is quite nice. I like your descriptions, (which I guess is the entire point of your story) as they are good. Go back and read it out loud and that way you'll catch all the grammar mistakes that are downright annoying to get in a critique.

Also; if you are doing a descriptive exercise, make sure that you describe the girl besides her silk dress. Although I like how after the boy saves her, he holds her and you describe her hair as silky. It makes the story really flow even more. Oh, and about the dress, try "draping silk" instead. "Silk draping" sounds sort of like a window curtain.

By the part about (pt. 1 of 5) do you mean that you have four more practices, or four more parts to this story? If you are continuing this story, expand on "A five not tune." I like that detail, but it could use some expansion. If you are adding another part, give all 3 characters a name, even the dead one. However, this would still work as a stand-alone piece. :smt063 hehe, funny pic.
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Gah!!! This was amazing itwas very interesting you should definitly write more im soeager to read the rest. It was a perfect length, some people wright things too long or short but this Was great. Please wright more if you dont ill be very dissapointed! :smt003




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@ EmiAnne, yes, this is only part one of a five, as in, i have four other parts that I'm still writing. And about the names, I'm going to tell you them, just not yet. (Even the dead one's name) Thank you for the review, and the descriptions of how they look are dragged out because i really don't like when people say, she looks like this, her hair is like this, her eyes are this color. It's too used and not creative so I'm describing their appearances in instances. But a great thank you about changing some of my wording, I really did feel some of it was off. Thank you for the review!! :smt001

@ Twiceuponatime, thank you!! I didn't really think it was a good piece but your opinions are greatly appreciated!! And yes, I will be posting more of this soon, it's just that I have it in the school computer and I need to finish part two before spring break or else I'll won't be able to post anything until a week and a half from now. Thank you for the review, too!! :smt001
The two most engaging powers of an author are to make new things familiar, and familiar things new.
Samuel Johnson

I'm not sarcastic, I'm simply verbally ironic.
Me




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Hey, I'm Karma. This was a very good piece, and I thought you had vivid descriptions. I loved it, and can't wait for more. There was one problem here:

Without much of a warning, the man pounced on the girl and they fell to the wet ground, broken glass etching into the girl’s skin along with the man’s fingernails. But he did not move one more inch. He’s frozen. And his fingers loosened.

The man groaned and blood came out of his mouth, landing and staining the girl’s white dress. She looks over the shoulder of the man and sees a pair of blue eyes, a pair she is only too familiar with from the past few days. He didn’t mean anything, though. He was just a passerby. And now here he is, saving her life.

Read this through and you'll see you switched to past tense several times, while the rest of the story is in present.

Other than that, I liked this, and can't wait to see more.

~Karma ;)




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Thank you, Karma!! I noticed that today when I was re-reading it and I totally freaked out. But thank you for pointing that out!! It's weird that nobody else noticed it!! Thank you!!
The two most engaging powers of an author are to make new things familiar, and familiar things new.
Samuel Johnson

I'm not sarcastic, I'm simply verbally ironic.
Me



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