Consequences

ok now i just wrote this after i told one of my friends why they shouldn't cut themselves.
here goes:


Her sadness echoed into the bitter night air
This was something she knew she could not bare
So she snuck into her mother's sewing box with care
And took out her mother's needle
And did something very rare
She put a tear in her skin that night
And a tear in her family's hearts
when She killed herself .

-Thea Distler 11/27/2005


do you think it's a little dull? please tell me what you think because i really want to make this a good poem. thank you!!

Hmm....
People... today... are always like this...
I liked it... it was very honestly short and informative... I loved the last two lines...
Now my wrists feel all tingly.... ooh...

Really? I haven't got much to say about this to be honest. I think you could probably do better.
And I mean that in a nice, encouraging way, as oppose to a bitchy, evil way!!!

Hmmm....it seems kind of plain. But perhaps the simplicity is what makes the poem.

I think these are the most promising lines:
"She put a tear in her skin that night
And a tear in her family's hearts"

I don't think it's dull, exactly.

Her sadness echoed... I like that.

And took out her mother's needle The needle's a cool image. Like a sword, only sewing is such an innocent domestic thing... heh, maybe I'm overanalyzing. Nice though .

She put a tear in her skin that night
And a tear in her family's hearts I like these lines except I think two 'tears' so close together could be better. Maybe change one to 'hole' or... something else. Unless of course the second one is supposed to be 'tear' as in crying, which could be cool.

when She killed herself . I'm not sure about the capitalized She, but that's really a personal preference thing.

Mostly, the rhymes seem pretty forced. I think it your poem would sound a lot more sincere if you didn't feel compelled to make all the lines rhyme. Adding some more images and descriptions might make it a little more 'poetic' if you think it's too dull. If you wanted to rewrite this I think you could make it better, but it is a good start.
Keep in mind that all this is just my opinion and I'm no poetry expert. Sorry if I sound like a know-it-all.

Thanks for posting!

^^^ Ditto Daisy about the needle.


I like the concept. Its quite original, and keeps this from being average.

The line 'And did something very rare' seems really forced. Maybe you could rephrase that somehow?

I liked this. It was short and straight to the point.

She put a tear in her skin that night
And a tear in her family's hearts

I loved the link you made between these two lines. Good work

jennafina wrote:^^^ Ditto Daisy about the needle.


I like the concept. Its quite original, and keeps this from being average.

The line 'And did something very rare' seems really forced. Maybe you could rephrase that somehow?

yeah i think that line is my worst part, and i have to admit i did kind of force it. Hey what do expect from a poem that was written in like 5 minutes? lol :thumb: