Lenka. (An experiment.)

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The name is after an Australian singer I really love. “Lenka.” You should check her out if you don’t already know her. I was putting my little brother to bed and I was reading him this story that takes place in a town called Claremont, which I thought was a pretty name. I just found myself imagining “Lenka Claremont” and wanted to write it all down. Let me know if you think it has any kind of a future.

---

“I can’t do this anymore.”
They were the first words she spoke to him. He didn’t know her, she didn’t know him. She closed her eyes, willing the situation to disappear.
“I can’t talk to you.” She didn’t want to get involved. There were too many guys like him running around. She put her hand on her forehead, covering her right eye.
“Get the fuck out of my way.” She opened her eyes, glaring at him.
She didn’t expect him to move without a little encouragement. That’s just the way boys were.
“God, fucking bitch.” He looked at her in disbelief.
She smiled wanly at him, and he brushed by her in disgust.
Lenka ran a tired hand through her mass of dark brown hair. The sun was low in the sky, casting a rusty-red light over what may as well have been the whole world. She didn’t want to go home… not when her mother was waiting for her, waiting until Lenka trudged in, with smudged makeup and dirty shoes.
Lenka didn’t want to feel her mother’s worried eyes on her back, asking if she wanted some tea or coffee or maybe an extra pillow for her bed.
I could make you an omelet, Links. With cheese and sausage, just like your dad used to make. Or maybe some toast? We’ve got fresh strawberry jam in the fridge… Lenka shook her head, trying to erase the image of her mother from her mind. She was making life incredibly painful for her mom, she knew that. She could see the worry lines forming on her once beautiful face, her hands turning hard and dark. But everybody got old, right?
Everybody, it seemed, but Lenka.
Lenka had been angelically beautiful from the moment she’d been born. Her face was timeless, her character gentle but sometimes fierce. She’d never changed, in all her 20 years on the earth.
Lenka Claremont was a legend. She was the girl that could speak fluently at the age of one, the girl with bright green eyes that were as bright as the sun shining through two pieces of sea glass. She was the girl who knew her multiplication tables by age 4 and could give relationship advice at age 6.
But Lenka wasn’t a genius. She just skipped her childhood. Her body, even, didn’t changed that much. When she was 11 or so, her curves became more pronounced and she got her period, but she’d never been chubby or skinny as a stick. She’d always been beautiful.
Lenka banged the tip of a beer bottle on a rock, then brought the cool drink to her lips. Her skin, the color of dark caramel, shone in the darkening light. Her long, dark hair hung loosely around her lower back, and her enormous eyes blinked like two stars.
She knew she was beautiful. Sexy, even. Certainly the faces of the men she passed told her that much.
But Lenka didn’t have a clue who she was. What was the point of being beautiful if that’s all you were?

---

I know it ends kind of abruptly… I’m not sure where I’m going with this. Feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
Last edited by Drawers on Mon Apr 12, 2010 3:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.




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Hello! I'll be your reviewer for today.

I didn't find any nitpicks, and I loved it. I kinda hate reviewing long things, and this was a great beginning. I love the ending line, and it really made me think about one of my friends who seems so beautiful and perfect. I'm sure this will turn out to be awesome! Keep me updated for when the next parts come out!

~Forest

P.S. I looked up the singer! :lol:
Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you,
and hold for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole... as you flew right through me.


~Sorrow by Flyleaf




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Hey;D
Aight, here we go!

Corrections

I could make you an omelet, Links. With cheese and sausage, just like your dad used to make. Or maybe some toast? We’ve got fresh strawberry jam in the fridge…
This should be in quotes or italics, to understand that she's thinking back to what her Mother would say.

Everybody, it seemed, but Lenka.
I completely understand what you're trying to make this sound like here, I do it too, but when reading over it, something seems off. Maybe try taking the 'it seemed' and placing it after 'but Lenka'. That seems to roll off the tongue easier.

“I can’t talk to you.” She didn’t want to get involved. There were too many guys like him running around. She put her hand on her forehead, covering her right eye.

“Get the fuck out of my way.” She opened her eyes, glaring at him.

She didn’t expect him to move without a little encouragement. That’s just the way boys were.

“God, fucking bitch.” He looked at her in disbelief.

This is something little, but it's important to writing. When you're quoting something someone said, then specifying who said it afterwods like above, you don't want to end the quote with a period. Place a coma, then the end quote and then who said it. If an action follows then by all means, place that period!
Example:
"Wow," she said.
"Wow." She clapped her hand to her mouth.
Nothing too big, but something I thought I'd point out.

...tables by age 4 and could give relationship advice at age 6.
"4" and "6" should be written out.

shone in the darkening light.
*shined

Thoughts/Comments
It was a bit bland for my tastes, but none the less it was a good start. Just a few errors I found but nothing crucial. I would be glad to read more of this, though, so PM when you post more please(:

-Carrina
A little less inhuman.
A little more brutal.
Let the blood be your drug.



Who knew paper and ink could be so vicious.
— Kathryn Stockett, The Help