).I don't see a lot of action-adventure pieces on YWS, so this was a rare treat. You have a couple of minor issues with awkward phrasing, but I think that will resolve itself with a few more edits on your part. My biggest gripe with this piece is dialogue. You've got a good setup here for an solid story, as long as you don't fall into the my-life-so-hard-and-I-am-so-hardened-by-my-unfortunate-circumstances cliche'. Writing characters with accents is extremely difficult to do well, so it's great that you've taken on the challenge. I don't think you're quite there, however. This is a pretty good article on writing accents and dialects; I think it might help put you in the right direction. The key is not to be too over-the-top. You can suggest an accent to much greater effect than smacking your reader in the face with it.
So good luck in your revisions! I hope that some of my comments have helped.
