First Day

I couldn't wait to see my friends. We didn't talk on My Space or on the phone. I was so psyched to see my friends. I went to the bus stop and I suddenly saw Aida. She looked like a real woman now. When she saw me, she was so exited to see and I was too. We talk and when the bus arrived Natalia, Candace and Denise were there too. They have changed so much! They were so happy to see me. We made it to the school and I noticed Alexander and Carl. They were have been working out all summer long and they were buff. When they saw us, we had a group hug. I was so psyched to see all my friends. We all were in the same classroom. The first bell rang of the school(I always hate that bell). We were to the class and the teacher was late. He told us that tomorrow, we are going to have a new student...
Mr.John give his class. Poor teacher, he couldn't give his class because the second bell rang. Mr.Batista made us to practice volleyball. I'm not a very good playing that game but my friends were very good. When I was going to spike the ball the third bell rang and i didn't want to go to the next class because it was Science. Mrs.Rose started to pick one by one students for lab partners and I was the only one left so she told me that new student will be my lab partner. Mrs.Rose started to give class until we get to the next class, my favorite class, art class. Mrs.Bloom, she is so nice. Natalia sat with me. She started to talk about what she had done all summer long.(She did have on crush with Jorge since eight grade. He went to talk to her and somehow they fell in love).
"It was so fun be with my boyfriend and he asked me to go have dinner with him"
"I must know you did have fun with him"
"Yeah. I did" And she started to giggle.
Everyone when wild because the lunch bell rang. I sat down with all my friends. They started to ask me what I did during the summer and I told them I went to France with my mother. I left them to finish their lunch. I went to my locker and someone shut my locker. It was Cynthia with her two friends:Maryse and Kathy.
"What are you doing here at eleven grade?, I thought you were in in ten grade" and she started to laughed at me, she laugh like a evil witch. Maryse, Cynthia's best friend, she thought she could get all the cute boys. I remember at eight grade, I threw her a living frogs at her head, she started to scream like a little girl and the last but only Kathy, she is the nicest girl I ever met but my question is Why she is hang out with Cynthia and Maryse? they are making her life so horrible and I know she has a crush on Alexander since seven grade but I respect her but I still don't know why?...
"What are you doing here, Agnes?"
"I don't care what you say to me because I'm not telling so move out the way" until Cynthia push me and I felt on the ground and I want kick her but the principal came to see what happen.
"It was her fault, she told to keep my big, ugly mouth shut..." and here comes her fake crying. Mr.principal look at me with his mega angry face like i did something bad at her. My friends came and saw me on the ground, Alexander and Aida help me to get up in my feet again. Mr.principal took me and Cynthia to his office, to have a little talk. After I enter to his office, I saw a boy but his skin was so bright like a white snow. He look at me but I quickly turn my head around so he couldn't look at me. Mr.principal ask Cynthia to sit down. He grab my arm but I quickly hide my arm. I went to his office, he told me to sit down a little chair and wait for him to ask me a question about what I did to his daughter.
"Tell me. what happen to you and my daughter; Cynthia?"
"Well I was looking something at my locker until she came and shut my locker and she start to say that you're not a great dad and awesome principal, I told her you're going to get big trouble with you're dad and she didn't care and somehow push me"-(I lie to him)
"Okay' you may go now, I have to talk serious with my daughter"
When I get out of his office, I look at Cynthia, she have her evil smile to think I'm in trouble but she is the one who going to get trouble.
School was over, I was outside waiting for my mom when I look at Cynthia, she was in big problem with her dad and I am a trouble maker. My mom came, pick me up, when we made to my house, I went to my room to study until I receive a weird message but it doesn't say who belong to. I start to read it.
Agnes
I will hunt you down. You will never escape from me
because I will kill you slowly and painful just like
I did you're grandmother. So have a very good night
cause you might need it.
It was so scary and weird but it didn't tell from who.

Naydy wrote:I couldn't wait to see my friends. Nice starting sentence! We didn't talk on My Space or on the phone. I was so psychI believe you are trying to spell psyched, with "ed" at the end to see my friends. I went to the bus stop and I sawI think this is too blunt, and it really doesn't FIT. How about "...and I suddenly saw" or "and soon saw" Aida. She looked like a real woman now. When she saw me, she was so exited"excited"...if not, you are actually spelling a whole other word: "exited" to see and I was too. We talked and when the bus arrived, Natalia, Candace and Denise where were, not where there too. They hadchanged so much! They were so happy to see me. We made it to the school and I saw Try a synonym here maybe? How about "noticed"? Alexander and Carl. They were have were and have don't work well together. Decided between one of them been working out all summer long becausedoesn't work in the right way. Try "and" they were buff. When they see saw us, we had a group hug. I was so psyched to see all my friends. We all was were in the same classroom. The first bell ring of the school(I always hate that bell). I'm a little confused from the previous sentence. Can you rephrase it so we readers understand? Are you trying to say: "The first bell rang for school."? We went to the class and the teacher was late. He told us that tomorrow, we arewere going to have a new student...
Mr.John give his class. Poor teacher, he couldn't give his class because the second bell ring rang. Mr.Batista put us do you mean "made us"? to practice volleyball. I'm not a very good at playing that game but my friends are were very good playing. When I was going to spike the ball, the [third bell rang and i Capitalize! didn't want to go that class I don't like] This doesn't really make sense. Do you wish to say "...and I didn't want to go to the next class because it was Science."?. Mrs.Rose started to pick one by one students for lab partners and I'mwas the only one left so she told methat new student will be mimy lab partner. Mrs.Rose started [to give class until we get to the next class, my favorite class, art class] eh? I don't understand. Try rephrasing. Mrs.Bloom, she is so extremely Using "so" and "extremely" together is like saying "big" and "large" together. Decide on one only nice. Natalia sit sat with me. She started to talking Either say "to talk" or just "talking" about what she did "she did" is perfectly fine, but I think writing "she had done" would sound better. But this is only up to you all summer long.(She did have on crush with Jorge since eight grade. He went to talk to her and somehow they fallfell in love).
"It was so fun to do you mean: "It was fun, too, with..." or "It was so fun with..."? with my boyfriend and he asked me to go have dinner with him."
"I must know you did have fun with him"What? I don't understand this. Rephrase.
"Yeah. I did." and Capital A! she started to giggle.
Everyone went wild because I think "when" would be a better replacement for "because" the lunch bell rang. I sitsat down with all my friends. They started to ask me what iCapital! did during inthe summer and I told them I went to France with my mother. I left them to finish theretheir lunch. I went to my locker untiland suddenly someone shut my locker andReplace "and" for a period and capitalize "It". it was Cynthia with her two friends: Maryse and Kathy.
"What are you doing here at eleven grade?, I thought you were at the same grade" Huh? Rephrase and she started to laugh at me, and she laughed like a evil witch. Maryse, Cynthia's best friend, she is a girlydelete "she" and "a" here, cause This is slang! Use "because" she thinkthoguht she could get all the cute boys. I remember at eight grade, I throw threw her a living frogs at her head, she started to scream like a little girl and the last but only Kathy, she is the nicest girl I ever met but my question is Why she is hang out with Cynthia and Maryse? they are making her life so horrible and I know she has a crush on Alexander since seven grade but I respect her but I still don't know why?...Looong sentence. Break it down...and correct the spelling and tense (past)
"What are you doing here, Agnes?"
"I don't care what you say to me because I'm not telling so move out the way" until Cynthia push me and I felt on the ground and I want kick her but the principal came to see what happen. Correct Spelling and dialogue and rephrase the dialogue!
"It was her fault, she told to keep my big, ugly mouth shut..." and here comes her fake crying. Mr.principal look at me with his mega angry face like i did something bad at her. My friends came and saw me on the ground, Alexander and Aida help me to get up in my feet again. Mr.principal took me and Cynthia to his office, to have a little talk. After I enter to his office, I saw a boy but his skin was so bright like a white snow. He look at me but I quickly turn my head around so he couldn't look at me. Mr.principal ask Cynthia to sit down. He grab my arm but I quickly hide my arm. I went to his office, he told me to sit down a little chair and wait for him to ask me a question about what I did to his daughter.
"Tell me. what happen to you and my daughter; Cynthia?"
"Well I was looking something at my locker until she came and shut my locker and she start to say that you're not a great dad and awesome principal, I told her you're going to get big trouble with you're dad and she didn't care and somehow push me"-(I lie to him)
"Okay' you may go now, I have to talk serious with my daughter"
When I get out of his office, I look at Cynthia, she have her evil smile to think I'm in trouble but she is the one who going to get trouble.
School was over, I was outside waiting for my mom when I look at Cynthia, she was in big problem with her dad and I am a trouble maker. My mom came, pick me up, when we made to my house, I went to my room to study until I receive a weird message but it doesn't say who belong to. I start to read it.
Agnes
I will hunt you down. You will never escape from me
because I will kill you slowly and painful just like
I did you're grandmother. So have a very good night
cause you might need it.
It was so scary and weird but it didn't tell from who.

Okay, I stopped editing before the end because there was a lot of spelling and grammar errors, so please go through this yourself and edit it. I like the idea of this short story, except I think the ending was a little....violent? A little TOO descriptive...I don't know, but I originally liked the idea where it was a just someone accounting their first day back at school. Also, you mix up "there" and "their" and things like that, so check those out too.

Thanks!

Naydy wrote:I couldn't wait to see my friends. We didn't talk on My Space or on the phone. I was so psyched to see my friends. I went to the bus stop and I saw Aida. She look(s or ed) like a real woman now. When she saw me, she was so exited to see me and I was too. We talked and when the bus arrived, Natalia, Candace and Denise where there too. They change(d) so much! They were so happy to see me. We made it to the school and I saw Alexander and Carl. They were have been working out all summer long because (I'm confused here! They became buff or they were buff) they were buff. When they see us, we had a group hug. I was so psych to see all my friends. We all was in the same classroom. The first bell ring of the school(I always hate that bell). We went to the class and the teacher was late. He told us that tomorrow, we are going to have a new student...
Mr.(space) John give his class. Poor teacher, he couldn't give his class because the second bell ring. Mr.(space)Batista put us to practice volleyball. I not a very good playing that game but my friends are very good playing. When I was going to spike the ball(comma) the third bell rang and i(capitalize) didn't want to go that class I don't like. Mrs.(space)Rose start to pick one by one student for lab partner and I'm(was?) the only one left so she told that new student will be mi(my) lab partner. Mrs.(space)Rose start to give class until we get to the next class,(parenthases or em dashes) my favorite class, art class. Mrs.Bloom, she is so extremely nice. Natalia sit with me. She start to talking about what she did all summer long.(She did have on crush with Jorge since eight grade. He went to talk to her and somehow they fall in love).
"It was so fun to with my boyfriend and he ask me to go have dinner with him"
"I must know you did have fun with him"
"Yeah. I did" and she start to giggle.
Everyone went wild because the lunch bell rang. I sit down with all my friends. They start to ask me what i did in summer and I told them I went to France with my mother. I left them to finish there lunch. I went to my locker until someone shut my locker and it was Cynthia with her two friends:Maryse and Kathy.
"What are you doing here at eleven grade?, I thought you were at the same grade" and she start to laugh at me, she laugh like a evil witch. Maryse, Cynthia best friend, she is a girly, cause she think she could get all the cute boys. I remember at eight grade, I throw her a living frogs at her head, she start to scream like a little girl and the last but only Kathy, she is the nicest girl I ever met but my question is Why she is hang out with Cynthia and Maryse? they are making her life so horrible and I know she has a crush on Alexander since seven grade but I respect her but I still don't know why?...
"What are you doing here, Agnes?"
"I don't care what you say to me because I'm not telling so move out the way" until Cynthia push me and I felt on the ground and I want kick her but the principal came to see what happen.
"It was her fault, she told to keep my big, ugly mouth shut..." and here comes her fake crying. Mr.principal look at me with his mega angry face like i did something bad at her. My friends came and saw me on the ground, Alexander and Aida help me to get up in my feet again. Mr.principal took me and Cynthia to his office, to have a little talk. After I enter to his office, I saw a boy but his skin was so bright like a white snow. He look at me but I quickly turn my head around so he couldn't look at me. Mr.principal ask Cynthia to sit down. He grab my arm but I quickly hide my arm. I went to his office, he told me to sit down a little chair and wait for him to ask me a question about what I did to his daughter.
"Tell me. what happen to you and my daughter; Cynthia?"
"Well I was looking something at my locker until she came and shut my locker and she start to say that you're not a great dad and awesome principal, I told her you're going to get big trouble with you're dad and she didn't care and somehow push me"-(I lie to him)
"Okay' you may go now, I have to talk serious with my daughter"
When I get out of his office, I look at Cynthia, she have her evil smile to think I'm in trouble but she is the one who going to get trouble.
School was over, I was outside waiting for my mom when I look at Cynthia, she was in big problem with her dad and I am a trouble maker. My mom came, pick me up, when we made to my house, I went to my room to study until I receive a weird message but it doesn't say who belong to. I start to read it.
Agnes
I will hunt you down. You will never escape from me
because I will kill you slowly and painful just like
I did you're grandmother. So have a very good night
cause you might need it.
It was so scary and weird but it didn't tell from who.

Good job! You had a lot of grammar issues and I didn't know if it was past or present. I didn't get to review everything. Nice job!!

Hi Naydy!!! It's Wookie again!!! I loved the chapter!!! It was really good!!! I think you have a very basic idea of what you want and I like it. I think so far you have developed it quite well.

Since I'm not really in the mood for nit-picking today (when am I in the mood for nit-picking? I'm so lazy... ) so I'll keep it real short.

"Well I was looking something at my locker until she came and shut my locker and she start to say that you're not a great dad and awesome principal, I told her you're going to get big trouble with you're dad and she didn't care and somehow push me"-(I lie to him)

OK the part I put in bold is because I don't think it's necessary to put it in parenthesis and I think it should be in past tense, like: I lied to him.

Agnes
I will hunt you down. You will never escape from me
because I will kill you slowly and painful just like
I did you're grandmother. So have a very good night
cause you might need it.

I LOVE THIS PART!!!! It's my favorite part!!! I love a good threat!! The part I put in bold is because I think it should be painfully, but it's still good. Oh and (this is totally optional!!) maybe if you want to put that threat in italic. I don't know why, it's just something I do when it's a flashback, text, e-mail, etc. But you don't have to do it. (Did I mention that I love tsi threat?) And I'm really curios on what he/she meant by: just like I did with your grandmother. I wanna know what's gonna happen!!!

You have a little problem with your tenses (why were they invented?!?!?! They are just so annoying!!!) but I have a hard time with them too.

So again I really, really, really, really, really, really liked it!!! It was really interesting to read. And I like how you got then ending with a really interesting twist in the end. My first chapters are always kindda boring so you have two thumbs up for making it AWESOME!!! So I really hope you update soon and if you have any questions I'm only a PM away.

So yeah worst nit-picking ever but I've always kindda sucked at it so, yeah. Hope I helped!! (I strongly doubt that)You ave a lot of potential to be a great writer so don't stop writing, ok? Cuz your good. Very good. So I gotta go!! I hope to see the next chapter soon!!!! Till next time!! Happy writing!!!

Great job,
wookielover17

Hey its me Candace or as they call me on YWS VampireMistress> I loved it