Young Writers Society

this is my first poem I've wrote here I hope you like it






Please take me away from here
somewhere
nowhere
I'll be the dark Cinderella
you ll be my evil knight
we'll run away at night
go somewhere out of sight
out of mind
no-one can define
the way you make me feel
no-one can describe
the magic that's pouncing in my mind
lovers undefined
the passion that's bubbling inside
is because of your
stunning ebony eyes
your inner beauty makes me wanna cry
your soul is full of mysterious darkness
and the world is full of hate
at least your not fake
your real and
you make me wanna feel

Awesome. I don't have much to critique as I'm not used to critiquing poems Dark cinderella + Evil Knight? Nice.

Hey MsBamaMeagan, quite a gem of poem you have here. The simple flow and honest expression is beautiful, it gave me the sort of feeling you get when you see a pure white, snow covered field.

Wow...really good! I love the 'dark cinderella' and 'evil night' gives it sort of an interesting, earie feel.
way to go!

Hey there!

I think the pace of this poem is the grabbing part because there'sa nice sense of rhythm coming from your line variation. What I will say though is that this is more music lyrics than poetic for me. I feel like it's missing something and that something, I think, is music. Either that or some punctuation edits and perhaps a bit of twisting of language. Anyway, in terms of the actual poem, I do like the narration you give us of emotions and some vivid pictures, but it does seem a little jumpy so I'd suggest keeping an eye on a focus rather than changing the subject vaguely on each line because this takes away some of the impact.

Anyway, keep up the good writing and I hope this helps,
Ben

Hey there

I really did enjoy reading your poem! You portray various emotions very well, and put loads of vivid, interesting pictures into my head. Your lines seemed to flow together very nicely, and the rhythm of the poem was extremely good!

Although, I do agree with Ben. The rhythm of the poem kind of makes the poem sound more like a song. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, although it's not a great thing either! Especially if you want your poem to sound like a poem, not a song.

Also, I think that you could be a bit more descriptive at times. It can be a bit jumpy at times, making the stanzas and lines seem a bit less connected. All you need to do is practice on being a bit more descriptive and then, you should be fine.

I think that your poem was really original as well. So bravo for that! I'm so fed up of reading poems about love, breaking up, breaking hearts e.t.c. It's very nice to come across something that does have a theme of love, but is written in a dark way! This was extremely effective, in my opinion.

I'll be the dark Cinderella
you ll be my evil knight

Like others have said, I loved this part! They're definitely my two favourite lines.

You haven't used any grammar in your poem. I'm one of the people that don't mind this at all, but you will get some that do. It's no big deal really. If you feel the need to, just put a few periods and commas here and there. Like I just said, it doesn't really make a difference to me though!

Overall, I really liked your poem. There were the odd nit-picks, but except for them, your poem was really good! Well done!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

thanks you guys