She knew the truth and she just couldn't take it any more Her heart was torn because she lost all the hope that she once had She thought how undeserving she was she laughed at the stupidity of her dreams Then she realises Who was there Who was always there and who was never there she wanted to leave it all behind she wanted to question herself was her love only one sided? she dreaded betrayal and that happened with her.
Hello there! It looks like you haven't made any reviews yet. Not to entirely get on your case, but you should review some stuff! It's fairly easy, and it's only fair to everyone else that you review other people's work, since you are posting yours here! So why not go look around and review?
In the mean time, I'll still review this too.
You have a great beginning to a poem here. There is a lot of emotion hiding behind the words, and that's great. However, there's a lot of problem with the emotion - it's hiding! Poetry is all about making the reader feel what the poem is about. So, let us into the girl's life more. What does she know the truth about? What in her life is hurting her so much? Open it up, and pull out everything you can. Use poetic elements to bring the emotions to life: imagery, symbolism, metaphor and simile. All of those things can do so much for a poem. Don't just list what is going on in her life, show it and make us, your readers, a part of it. It's a very hard thing to learn how to do at first, but it's very important if you're going to be a poet. Just read other's poetry, see how they do it, and keep writing! Eventually, you will get it.
Some smaller comments: You need more punctuation! You only have a question mark and a period. Try, instead, to punctuate grammatically. Just because it's a poem doesn't mean it doesn't have sentences. You also do a lot of repetition with "she" in most of the poem. Try to shake up your creativity! A lot of this comes with using the poetic elements I mentioned before, so mix all your skills together and see what comes out!
I hope this helped and I wish you the best of luck with all your poetry! Remember, get out there and review! It'll help you write poetry, too, believe me!
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.” ― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo
Like Suzzane said, you should probably review some work. All though, I can't say much. When I first joined YWS, I had no idea what I was doing, and I hardly did any reviews! Just have a look around and review some stuff that interests you! If you're not sure what to write, just look at what other people have written, and get ideas from them. Don't copy what they've written though!
Anyway! As for your poem. I must say, I did really like it! Also agreeing with Suzanne, the beginning of the poem is definitely the best part. When it comes to the rest of the poem, I think that you need to be more specific. Don't literally say exactly what's going on, but make it a bit clearer. Remember to show though, not tell!
She thought how undeserving she was she laughed at the stupidity of her dreams
I'm not entirely sure why, but I really liked these lines! A lot of people would disagree, but I really like your repetition of the word "She".
All you need to really do know, is read other people's poems, and learn how to be more specific when it comes to writing, but at the same time, not simply telling people what's going on in your poem/story.
