Remember Me (1) Fourteen (Please read and comment!)

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Chapter One
Fourteen
It’s my fourteenth birthday. Everyone is crowded around me. Matt and Brian are on either side of me. I’m blushing, I hate having the spotlight on me. Everyone stops singing Happy Birthday and says, “Make a wish!”
I lean in and wish for my first kiss and for it to be perfect. As I was about to lean out he, Matt, whispers in my ear.
“Happy Birthday, Becca.”
I was leaning out when Brian pushed my head down. He was meaning to put my head in the cake, but missed and my nose hit right into the glass table.
“Oh my god! Ow! What the hell?!” I yell. I feel warm liquid fill my nostrils. I cover my nose and run into the house the last thing filling ears were, “Brian! You are absolutely grounded!”
I run upstairs to my bathroom and wash my nose filled with blood. The nose bleed stops after five minutes. I look into the mirror to make sure there were no traces of leftover blood. I’m clear, except my clothes got some blood on them. I walk across the hall to my room to change.
I’m deciding between my denim shorts and black tank top or my sweatpants and a sweatshirt. I pull my dark brown hair into a ponytail as I’m trying to decide my outfit.
“Pick the shorts and the black shirt.” A voice behind me says, making me jump. I turn around laughing. Matt smiles at me. I take off the clothes I have on (I have on my favorite bathing suit underneath) and put on the outfit Matt just recommended.
My denim shorts squeeze my hips and my tank top exposes some of my tan stomach and cleavage.
“You’ve grown up a lot.” Matt says. I frown and walk back to my bathroom.
“Well, yeah I’m not Flatty Beccy anymore.” I answer, replacing my glasses with contacts, so my green eyes stand out.
“We were always kidding with you.”
“Yeah, whatever. I’m going to Kevin’s house now.” I say, putting on my size five and a half shoes. I walk over to my vanity and put on some lip gloss and eyeliner.
“Why do you put that on? You look beautiful without it.”
“Another one of you jokes again?”
I got up and turn around to get the new cell phone I got today, but Matt is right in front of me, our stomachs practically touching. I look up at him because he stands at least nine inches above me. He’s very tall, at least six foot one. I, on the other hand, only stand at five feet three and three quarters.
He looks down at me, right into my eyes. He leans down slowly, our faces almost touching, his hands starting to wrap around my waist. I feel like a lifeless doll in his grasp. He starts to pull me up to his height, my feet automatically going on their tippy toes. I just look into his eyes; because that’s the only thing my brain will allow me to do. All I’m thinking is, this is it! This is going to be my perfect first kiss!
But, then my phone rings and we both unravel from each and back away quickly. My cell phone ringtone is the only thing that fills the empty void of silence between us. I finally answer my phone, my hang shaking.
“Hello?” I say, into the phone.
“Hey, where are you?” It’s Kevin.
“I’m heading out now.”
“Okay, just text me when you’re around the corner.”
“Okay. Bye. Love ya.” I close my phone shut. I look up at Matt, his eyes are filled with anger, sadness, and another emotion I can’t put my finger on.
“Why’d you say that?” He questions.
“Say what?”
“I love you.”
“Well, it wasn’t exactly ‘I love you’ it was more of a pity ‘I love ya’ and we sorta, kind, dating…”
“Why?”
“Why else do you go out with someone; because you like each other. Kevin and I like each other.”
His face seems to drop a little, his gorgeous green eyes loosing light.
“Oh.” He says. He gives me a look before he walks out of my room. It shows one thing and one thing only: Jealousy.
"I'm yet happy and sad at the same time and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." -Stephen Chbosky




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Hey, I'm Kaedee. I'll be your review today!
The beginning of this chapter was funny, starting with Becca having a bloody nose since she banged it on a glass table thanks to a friend. You've got a great chapter beginning there.
I couldn't find any nitpicks here, which is good. But...
This chapter was much too rushed. Slow it down! It's too fast for the reader. I would take at least another chapter to explain Becca's relationship with Matt and Kevin.
Hope I helped-

KD
Perfect things in life aren't things.
Spoiler
*_______*




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Hi Honey!

That's a really sweet piece. Here's what I feel.

I’m blushing; I hate having the spotlight on me.
It should be a semi-colon there.
As I was about to lean out he, Matt, whispers in my ear.
You can remove the 'he.' It sounds better without it.
I cover my nose and run into the house the last thing filling my ears was,
I'm pretty sure it has to be 'was.' Correct me, if I'm wrong.
putting on my size five and a half shoes.
I think you don't need to tell the size of her feet. They don't seem to fit in the story.

Overall: It started off well, thumbs up for that. You dialogue was pretty good. You could use more description though. Like how the place is and things like that. And here,
It shows one thing and one thing only: Jealousy.
Instead of saying it, show it in the sense that how he moves, his face is twisted, his expressions, voice etc. I hope you get what I'm saying.
But, then my phone rings
I'm sort of against this. I'm not sure why, but I don't like the phone ringing to be their source of disturbance.
As KD said, it's all a little too fast for me. You'll need to slow down a bit.

Anyway, good work. PM me if you have questions
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.





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Hi, pshhxhoney!

I loved this! There are some editing to be made. You should take the story down a bit slower, it's just so fast (I had the same deal with my writing). Check your grammer and spelling after you're done typing. Describe the places more. And like they said don't do the "phone rang" interupion, make a different one. Describe the people too. I need a history between the characters, 'cause I don't know who they are or how long they've known each other.
"If I look like a monster,' he says roughly, 'then no one will be surprised when I do monstrous things." - A.B. Poranek



The reason a boat sinks isn't the water around it. It sinks when water gets into it. Don't let what's happening around you weigh you down.
— dalisay