Dead in the Ocean

x

Yo-la, Hannah, dear. It's wonderful to see you posting something again.

So, heavily-stylized prose like this has never been my reviewing strong point, because I'm always worried that (a) I don't really understand the intention of the style, and would just give out useless advice, or (b) changing something might wreak havoc on the delicate balance of the story. Today, I think (b) is more the case, but I'm sure as heck gonna give you my opinions anyway. =D

I have very few overall comments other than that the tone was definitely refreshing, and I like the run-on, static feel of the prose. So, most of this critique will be pointing out the line-by-line stuff.

“Good morning,” she said and her vowels told me she knew. She knew between her lips and it fell out like drool. The table was swimming in it. She put her hand in it.

That last sentence feels out of place, and adds nothing to the imagery or emotion. It's too physical and literal to work with the metaphor here.

Her tongue sounded heavy with my guilt.

You're big on the personification here, I noticed, which is actually pretty nice and awesome and all, but this line doesn't really make sense. Tongues don't sound like anything-- it's the voice that sounds. The personification doesn't work because it sounds jumbled instead of intentional, if that makes any sense.

Either, the tongue was heavy, or the voice sounded heavy.

“No, that’s okay.” “I can see through you like water.”

I know that this ties in with what you mentioned earlier, about the tap water being see-through, but to me it just sounds a bit repetitive. See if you can find a different water analogy for either one of these.

The hot water steamed and hurt my hand as I poured it out.

I realize you're going for a minimalistic, sort of stream-of-consciousness kind of feel here, but that underlined portion seems too under-described. "Hurt" is a weak, lame word in general. And, to keep going with the whole water theme here, too many weak, lame words will just make your story sink. (Yes, I know, I'm terribly clever. )

“You’re lying.” “Oh, that’s nice.”

I don't understand this parallel dialogue part, towards the end. Everywhere else, I think you used it brilliantly, where she said something, and the part in italics was what she really meant. But here, you seem to make it so that the italics are what he wants to hear, and the regular font is what she really meant. Clear that up. 'Cause the whole underlying-meaning thing is powerful up to this point.

=) That's about it! This was very good, and well written-- but, like I mentioned at the beginning, a tad delicate, or frail. I probably wouldn't be able to read a novel in this style. As an extremely short piece of fiction, though, you pulled it off to make it enjoyable and effective.

Best of luck in the contest.

~Evi

I really like this, and enjoyed reading it.

“I don’t think we’re going to work out.”

This was the only thing I didn't like. It's odd, and I feel like this is not how people say it in real life. Plus, are they living together? Usually when two people move in with each other, they are in a serious and committed relationship. If they are living together (and if they're not, I would specify) then their break up would not be so vague as this.

There should be more fighting, and the sentence is awkward all together. I would say it like this.

"This isn't working."

because it's more realistic, and it's basically telling him to get the heck out!

Very amusing piece, well done.

Classy