To the Fiend

Were you with me, fiend,
A part of the crimson staining blood,
The stiff wrists and sharp cold ache –
Like ice pressed against the flesh?

Were you staring through the mirror
Your sharp eyes glinting like far-off lights?
You spread your arms and your cloak
Encompassed my sky, swallowing kin and stars

Ssserpent! Hiss and spoil the splendor of the song
Cover the morning with clouds of smoke,
Yet you will not devastate
I have but a winter seed of strength within me

My tears fall to drown your flame –
Though your ash clots my throat
And your fetid whisper fills my head,
I am breathing still.

I am breathing still, you devil,
The seed hums beneath the ground
Without tune, lacking of form
But waiting, waiting for the crafting fingers of rain.

Hey there!

Okay so I'm going to look at your title first. Now. It caught my eye a little but in all honesty if it weren't for you having 0 reviews, I probably wouldn't have clicked on this. I'd like to see you spice it up a little. Maybe 'Dear Fiend' to give it an oxymoronic feel.

Were you with me, fiend,
A part of the crimson staining blood, [I like the imagery but feel this line could be worded better. Perhaps 'Drowning in the crimson, staining blood' would have more impact.]
The stiff wrists and sharp cold ache –
Like ice pressed against the skin? [I'd suggest flesh instead of skin. There's something more powerful about the sound of the word.]

Were you staring through the mirror
Your mean eyes glinting like far-off lights? [Mean? You've got better imagery than that. Use it. Maybe sharp or rough, something that suggests more than just one meaning. Rough might also suggest that the eyes are primitive and unshaped while sharp would be quite the opposite. Mechanical, human-made and deadly.]
You spread your arms and your cloak
Encompassed my sky, swallowing kin and stars [Very simple wording. I'd suggest star-dust instead of stars.]

Sss! Serpent, hiss and wreck the beauty of his music [I'm not sure the exclamation mark works here. You can't make a ssss sound into an exclamation. It's too soft and sneaky for that. It also breaks the flow. A comma perhaps? Or maybe even 'SssSerpent! Hiss and...' Also, make use of sibilance. Instead of wreck use spoil and maybe symphony instead of music, splendor instead of beauty.]
Cover the morning with clouds of smoke,
Yet you will not devastate
I have but a winter seed of strength within me [Nice line.]

My tears fall to drown your flame –
Though your ash clots my throat
And your wicked stench fills my head, [This line is weaker than the others. I'm not sure what to suggest. Maybe change wicked stench.]
I am breathing still.

I am breathing still, you devil,
The seed hums beneath the ground
Without tune, lacking of form
But waiting, waiting for the crafting fingers of rain. [Lovely ending.]

I felt toward the middle your poem got a little muddled but you opened and closed it very nicely. There's some strong images here and I wish you look with refining some of the wording. I hope this little review helps,

Heather xx

What an interesting poem - its good.

few things i noticed
1. You had a really good iambic trimeter going until you got to "Swallowing kin and stars"
im not sure if that was a mistake or an ascetic choice, either way it was very apparent.
2. "Ssserpent! Hiss and spoil the splendor of his song" - the thing i want to address in this line is the use of the word "he" the entire length of the poem you refer to the fiend in you, as if you are talking to it. Changing to another pronoun is really confusing.
3. " I have but a winter seed of strength within me" - i like this line this is really a cool idea, like happiness will grow in you. Very cool imagery.
I also like how your speaker is looking forward to the rains this spring

Overall you have some Amazing sections, like really good sexy stuff, I like how dark it is and you can feel the animosity. Your word usage is inconsistent, like you switch between very powerful and weak wording, this is irritating for me, its like putting a yield sign in your poem, you seem to have an exceptional vocabulary make good use of it lol. This poem whispers it doesn't scream, i really like that.

But this was a good read thanks for writing it

Hey there! I hope you recognize this is not the first time I've read this poem.
This is a very moving poem, and i love the way you made you feelings flow throughout it.
I like best how you portrayed perhaps a bit of self loathing by addressing the fiend as 'in your blood' and living in the mirror; it was subtle but clear.
I also was attached to your metaphor using the seed; it seems hopeful, though weak, as you implied, the seed is. I think that see will grow into a wonderful rose.

Though i know it may have been your intention, it is not clear to the reader where the tension, or the fiend, was born. I believe this piece could be even more improved if it is your desire to leave mention of what troubled you so, perhaps it is the cause for serpent? But, as I said, it may also be your purpose to leave that ambiguous.
But really, a wonderful vocabulary was used here. It is beautiful with bitter-sweetness, like being woken from slumber by the mockingbird's halcyon tunes far earlier than you would prefer, leaving you in both profound awe and slight enmity.
horray!

Very simple to interpret. A little disturbing to read, but overall a very beautiful interpretation of self harm.

I like how you did this in the third person, like sort of an alternate persona, like a demon of sorts. Very interesting read.