Used and Forgotten

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Like a toy
I lie here now,
used and forgotten.

I wait for someone to remember
to come and rescue me.

Like a toy
I am broken
used and forgotten
with no one to rescue me.
Never to be remembered.
Last edited by dasiamari on Fri Mar 12, 2010 5:09 am, edited 2 times in total.
Know that she's back in the atmosphere I'm afraid that she'll think of me as a plain old Jain told a story 'bout a man who was to afraid to fly so he never did land. ~Train




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Reviews 34
Hey, dasiamari! I'll be reviewing this here poem today! :D

First, let me say that I'm not the best at poetry, so I apologize if this review doesn't help you a lot!
I like this a lot. I like all the emotion behind it. It's so short, but it's says so much. Just a few things a caught, though:
to come and rescue me .
and
with no one to rescue me .

Just a little typing error: there shouldn't be a space before the period.

Like a toy
I lie here now
used and forgotten.

I would put a comma after now.

Like a toy
I am broken
used and forgotten
with no one to rescue me .
Never to be remembered.

I think there should be a comma after broken and maybe even after used. I think this is a personal choice, though, just like the one above this. :).

That's all I found! Great work! :D
~~Lee-Anna
Please forgive me if I over-edit anything of yours.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 248
Reviews 65
Wow when I go back and look at my old poems compared to my new its like "Wow, you still suck!" :P
Know that she's back in the atmosphere I'm afraid that she'll think of me as a plain old Jain told a story 'bout a man who was to afraid to fly so he never did land. ~Train



akdsjfh you know that feeling where you start writing a scene but then you get bored with the scene so you move on and start writing a different scene and then you get bored with that scene so you move on to an entirely different WIP and then you get bored with that so you move on-
— AceassinOfTheMoon