Hear now, chickadee. Sit upon the old oak tree. As I sit beneath.
“There are many thing people have claimed can not be true and yet nearly all of them have ether been true to begin with or been made true by thous stubborn enough to ignore them.”-Scientist 666 from my 2009 NaNoWriMo novel.
In haikus, rhyming isn't really used. This of course doesn't mean that you couldn't use it, but haikus being really short poems, rhymes can be too much. The beauty of haikus is creating images (usually two), or sometimes even a story, and managing to stick it in such a small space. It's amazing what some of the great haiku writers can do using only 17 syllables.
In this haiku, yes, I do think the rhyme makes it too strong. It draws too much attention, while I think a good haiku is more balanced -- everything in it counts, and every aspect gives the whole haiku as much as the other one. Also, the way you use punctuation to divide this into three sentences is a bit abrupt. It makes the haiku sound choppy, and not at all light and ethereal, like a piece of silk organza.
The first two lines would be adorable in another poem, or a song. But with the current wording, they don't fit as a haiku, especially what with the third line dragging behind as the odd one out. Haikus are difficult. I've written dozens and dozens of them, and still can't do them properly. Sometimes, though, I think luck plays a role in the haiku writing process.
I hope I could help! Please keep on writing haikus. PM me if you need anything!
Demeter x
"Your jokes are scarier than your earrings." -Twit
"14. Pretend like you would want him even if he wasn't a prince. (Yeah, right.)" -How to Make a Guy Like You - Disney Princess Style
Yeah I did try really hard not to have it rhyme but thous where the only words that worked for me... Thanks for the feed back!
“There are many thing people have claimed can not be true and yet nearly all of them have ether been true to begin with or been made true by thous stubborn enough to ignore them.”-Scientist 666 from my 2009 NaNoWriMo novel.
