more more random poems

Those Eyes

Heart torn out
Thrown against the wall
Empty chest cavity
Oozing blood relentlessly
Bright eyes
Striking, tempting
Lured me in
Cast me out
Watch me now
Filled with malice
Laughing at my helplessness
Finding humour in my pain
Just don’t get it started
That’s how you win the game













Apocalypse

Apocalypse, apocalypse
Where is one when I need it?
Where is the blood and gore
And nothing more
But death and bloody destruction
Where is the blood spill I crave for?
Why aren’t the heavens breaking?
Earth shaking?
Children quaking
Beneath satins wrath?
Where are the fires balls?
Screams and calls
To lost loved ones?
Where are the locus swarms?
The fire that warms
My heart just to see it consume
Where is my goddamn apocalypse?





















Haiku

Voices of the dead
Calling to me, beckoning
Into hell I jump

Let me guess, the first one is about a guy who has had a really bad relationship, the second is, well, a craving for the apocalypse and the haiku... can't really get that one, but well written!

hi
good idea..i guess.. anyways the first one was ok I guess.The second one nice rhyming,except I am trying to rack my brain for the meaning of Apocalypse The third one.... well..it seemed like a haiku Appolo would make, if you don't mind.Anyways great job.


......july......

Hey there!

Those Eyes
Firstly, this line didn't fit into the poem really:

Oozing blood relentlessly

I think it lacked affect, relevance and imagery, so you may want to rethink the use of it. My other thoughts of this particular poem was that it was a little, 'oh, this is like those other love poems...' You didn't really include anything original or a captivating rhythm or anything. However, what I did like was the no use of punctuation. This is a really odd thing for me to say because I usually hate that but somehow you've made it work really well here so well done! You've got a knack for good poetry structuring.

Apocalypse
Right, this definately needs punctuation. It looks like a mumble jumple of rhetorical question vomit. I don't mean to sound harsh because some of the questions are thought provoking but I just thought this poem was really quite uncomfortable to read. The images were bland and weren't particularly enlightened or had any flow from the previous lines and it just seemed a little messy.

Haiku
Strangely, I loved this. I think you've written it really well and its nicely portrayed. The punctuating is also pretty affective along with your choice of language. I liked this one!!

So, so
I think really the first two poems need a bit of revising and I'm sorry if I sounded harsh, but I needed to tell it like it was. Of course this may just be my opinion, who knows.

Keep up the writing all the same!
Hope this helps,
Ben