Run, Little One

My first poem...



Little girl, with your quiet, weeping eyes,
Don't clutch your heart so tightly, let it go to fly.
Yeah you're sad, but so is the new moon -
It's dancing up in the sky, just for you.
Dry your tears, Little girl,
Your skin is like diamonds, and your teeth like the pearls.
You are the jewel of this world, Little girl,
No matter what anyone does to you.
You can be beaten and broken, with half your life gone,
Believe someone can hear you, and they mourn
For the sad little girl, with quiet, weeping eyes,
Who held on so tightly, to a soul far gone.
The love was around her, but still she felt none,
So tired and shaken, she decided to run.
Where to, Little girl, the world has been drowned
In this echo of madness, we wish to call sound.
Harsh words, they're everywhere, so just lay your head
And hope, Little girl, to never return.

I really like this, Olli

Hi Biffle! I like this. You use very good description. However, the -- at the end of every line were a bit off-putting. I think there might be some instances where a - is effective, but it's a bit overused here. I've rewritten it below with suggested punctuation changes, mostly at the ends of the lines:


Little girl, with your quiet, weeping eyes,
Don't clutch your heart so tightly, let it go to fly.
Yeah you're sad, but so is the new moon -
It's dancing up in the sky, just for you.
Dry your tears, Little girl,
Your skin is like diamonds, and your teeth like the pearls.
You are the jewel of this world, Little girl,
No matter what anyone does to you.
You can be beaten and broken, with half your life gone,
Believe someone can hear you, and they mourn
For the sad little girl, with quiet, weeping eyes,
Who held on so tightly, to a soul far gone.
The love was around her, but still she felt none,
So tired and shaken, she decided to run.
Where to, Little girl, the world has been drowned
In this echo of madness, we wish to call sound.
Harsh words, they're everywhere, so just lay your head
And hope, Little girl, to never return.

Just a suggestion - you'll notice I didn't punctuate the ends of a couple of lines, but that's just my style. Some people like to punctuate each line or end each line with a comma (although grammatically if you did that, some lines wouldn't make sense) because it looks tidier, but it's up to you if you want tidiness or to treat it like proper sentences - people do it all sorts of ways. I just found your -- a bit distracting.

Moving on, you said the girl is sad and so is the moon, but you said the moon is dancing. This sounded strange to me - if the moon was sad, why was it dancing? Was it dancing in a sad way, sort of swaying? You could use some description to clear that up and put a clearer image in the reader's head. Also, you capitalise "little" in "little girl" all the way through, and I don't think that's neccessary unless it's the beginning of a sentence.

Apart from that, I love your description and your rhyming, and the poem flows very well, so good job.

Hey there!

Okay, Matt's covered everything exactly as I would've nitpicked it, I definately second him with the grammar changes being this:

Little girl, with your quiet, weeping eyes,
Don't clutch your heart so tightly, let it go to fly.
Yeah you're sad, but so is the new moon -
It's dancing up in the sky, just for you.
Dry your tears, Little girl,
Your skin is like diamonds, and your teeth like the pearls.
You are the jewel of this world, Little girl,
No matter what anyone does to you.
You can be beaten and broken, with half your life gone,
Believe someone can hear you, and they mourn
For the sad little girl, with quiet, weeping eyes,
Who held on so tightly, to a soul far gone.
The love was around her, but still she felt none,
So tired and shaken, she decided to run.
Where to, Little girl, the world has been drowned
In this echo of madness, we wish to call sound.
Harsh words, they're everywhere, so just lay your head
And hope, Little girl, to never return.

As for the actual poem's context I think you've done very well if it's your first poem and you may be wondering where to go from here. I think the main thing you need to focus on is the clarity of the images you're portraying. I say this because you get emotions mixed up in some parts of the poem and the message is a little mumble jumble. There's obviously the odd powerful image but all in all it's a little unfluent. So next time perhaps focus alot more on choice of wording, structuring and clarity of meaning.

Hope this helps & keep up the writing,
Ben

Woah. No complaints here! Great poem! Your syllables are a bit choppy, and rhymes were sometimes forced, but other that that, great job!











Kim

Better than I can do with poetry. I like the line about the sad new moon, it seems to me that the author is identifying with the solitariness of the moon. I'm not too keen on the skin like diamonds simile, I don't think diamonds can be inserted anywhere you need something beautiful. For example, beautiful skin is soft, whereas diamonds are not. Other than that, this is an excellent first poem.

nice! great descriptions!

I really like this, but it seems that your rhyme scheme changed in the very middle of the poem. I think that such a change was not necessary and made it seem choppy. Other than that this is way better than anything I could come up with. My first poem sucked, as which yours is great.

Keep Writing, pm me if you post something else.

-Flower-