Were She Not So Beautiful

Your face that launched a thousand ships
Your face I hardly give a shit
Apple of the Chaos eye
The golden apple was a lie

For you I crossed the wicked sea
Your love a lie I once believed

Gunmetal Trojan whore
Helen knows we’ve seen this before
Now it’s time to start the war
Your ships are stranded on my burning shore

Two bullets loaded in my gun
You know for whom, my lovely one
You and him, you fuck so well
For that it’s time to give you hell

For you I crossed the wicked sea
That holy lie I once believed

Romeo’s blood stains the bed you made
As you see this love turned to hate
Now it’s time for my Russian roulette
Your cries mean nothing, Juliet
Once click, two clicks, three clicks, four
Your luck’s run out you fucking whore

For you I crossed the wicked sea
To say that you are dead to me

Wow. This is... amazing.

*feels like Paula Abdul*

You're writing is great, I love how you really let me see the thoughts in your head. I'm very vague in my poetry, and you just come right out and you're like, BAM!

I love it!

I'll attempt to review?

metalamor wrote:Gunmetal Trojan whore
Helen knows we’ve seen this before
Now it’s time to start the war
Your ships are stranded on my burning shore

You had a rhythm going and just kinda threw it off the port side on this one. Try making the first line of this stanza a little longer, and then I won't be all, "whaa?"
"Dirty Gunmetal Trojan whore," type thing, right?

well, I don't really have anything else... It was actually quite entertaining, to read this poem. Again, I say I love the emotion you put into this. Keep writing. If you want another review, just PM me and I will be pleased to help!

Love,
Fixed

If writing could look stunning, it'd look like this, for sure. I absolutely loved this, the swearing definitely gave it an edge, which I extra liked. It was great imagery, too. Very well voiced, I also loved the feeling this poem gave off. Basically, I loved it entirely. Especially the reference to Helen and all that. The title was also very good.

Your face I hardly give a shit.

Okay, there are many things wrong with this single line. The first is that you need a comma after face. the second is that it doesn't make sense. I thought the MC liked this persons face? And why does he/she not give a shit?

Hello there Metalamor, I guess I'll drop a note before I head out.

I didn't actually enjoy this.

On thing I'd like to point out to you is a consistency in theme. You go through most of your poem with historical references and myths. Things like the golden apple, and Helen of Troy. What the heck does Romeo have to do with this? Sure, the story of Romeo and Juliet *is* the most known love story of all time, but I fail to see the link you create between Helen of Troy, Romeo and Juliet, and a Russian Roulette. The link is so easy too.

Russian roulette is a game of chance no? 1 in 5 chances to blow your brains out with your pistol. Ah! Chances! Romeo and Juliet is a story of a perfect storm, all event connected and leading to the early death of two lovers. What are the chances of this perfect storm happening? It's a total game of chance no? Then you can link the "star-crossed" love of Romeo and Juliet to the one of Helen and Paris. How this love was not supposed to happen (considering the families and kidnapping.)

I just created a link between all of those things. It's up to you to put them into the context of your idea.

Another thing is language. I appreciate that you rated your work but what does such brutal language do for your poem? At all? To some it appears powerful, but really it's just another word that's really an insult. And to me it seems even less powerful that the persona you created isn't intelligent enough to insult someone without resolving to cussing.

The only place it is moderately effective would be here:

Gunmetal Trojan whore
Helen knows we’ve seen this before

Good luck, I wish you all the best.

Kamas

Hi there!

Well, I think this is a great poem, I'll start by saying that, but of course there is always room for work, granted, I don't think this poem needs much. I actually had similar thoughts as some people before, so if any of this is redundant, sorry!

The first I'll touch upon is swearing. I remember I heard someone read a poem once and it had swears in it and it definately made the piece more powerful, because it shows the extreme of anger (in my opinion). I think the swearing in your poem had the same effect. Granted, sometime too much swearing can take away from the poem. Maybe just use the f word once?

Also, what I liked about this poem was also how you used so many references in it. I don't know who Helen is, but even so just by the context it was in I knew that it was some mythical/famous/historical character so kudos! Originally I was going to say to link it more too, but then I copied and pasted it into Word, and saw that the poem is actually many stanzas, each reference having it's own and I think that makes it much better.

Great Work!

I don't know if putting footnotes on the poem is something typical here or not, because this is the one poem that I always put footnotes with but I wasn't sure how they'd be recieved here. It seemed like it might be sloppy. But the poem came from a humanities class, when my professor said "Were she not so beautiful, Menelaus would have killed Helen of Troy for infildelity." So I wrote it from that perspective. It also came from a friend of mine having his girl cheat on him, and some of what he said inspired the modern elements. The "Romeo and Juliet" stuff was just characteristic of the phase of life I was in--a boyfriend had just broken up to me so I swear EVERY poem I wrote for the next two months had a "fuck Romeo and Juliet" part somewhere in there. And as for the Russian roulette, I thought the image of a scorned lover doing away with the adultress in such a manner was intriguing.

But this was written as a metal song, originally. I just didn't see a "lyrics" section. If that explains me "artfully" abusing swearwords.

This is a nice poem, actually. *applause* but you should be more careful in some of the poem's languages. At first, it was some classical and mythical, both contains myths that are well known of today- but then suddenly appeared those "f*ck, whore" words that cut something in between and it's more like a modern poem now.

But Over all, I liked it.