With Blood Stained Hands, I'll Hold You Close: Prologue

Author's Note: This is, I believe, my final draft to my prologue for this story. Tell me what you think about all the changes and such. I tried to minimize the melodramatics, since I seem to have a problem with that. It's a bit longer, although not by much...

Trista couldn't bring herself to look him in the eyes, not even as he lay dying in her arms. Her body convulsed violently, wracked with hysterical cries. She could hear herself speaking- pleading- incoherent prayers escaping her lips. They weren't for him, nor were her tear-stained face and feeble pleas. They should have been, but even within the smallest, most foreign crevices of her soul, the only sentiment she could bring herself to feel towards him was pure, unadulterated hate.

There was no ambivalence, no duality in her conviction. What he had done was irreversible, the void he had created manifesting inside of her, permeating her very existence until only apathy remained. It was like nothing she had ever known. It seemed to spread through her much like an infection would, tainting all she had managed to preserve in her 20 years of existence.

Looking up at the sky, Trista immersed herself in the deafening silence. The wind caressed her cheek, robbing her tears of any warmth they may have carried. An unnatural silence lay over the barren field, mourning the blood that had seeped into its veins. The stars were eerily absent, leaving the sky to fend for itself. She welcomed the dark, infinite shadow that blanketed the Earth, comforted by the anonymity it afforded her.

"Tri-trist-a."

She could hear him calling out to her, his dissonant, raspy voice barely above a whisper. His voice seemed to reach a part of her she’d only been vaguely aware of, somehow slipping past a lifetime of walls.

"P-lease."

Closing her eyes, she began to rock back and forth, trying to find the words she knew would give him peace. She could feel the inescapable truth in his listless, bloodied body, hear it in the urgent desperation of his words.

He wanted to hear her say it, desperately needed her to speak the words that would grant him peace in death.

His eyes had begun to glaze over, taken on a glassy, pearlescent appearance. A small trail of blood ran from the corner of his mouth down the left side of his face, as if even it could not bear the presence of its loathsome owner any longer.

His mouth opened and closed, his cracked lips parting in a feeble attempt to reiterate his plea. He was too weak to form the animalistic sounds coming out of him into words.
Opening her mouth, Trista couldn't help herself, couldn't stop the pristine, unforgiving truth from pouring out of.

"I will never forgive you for what you have done. Death will not wash your hands clean of the sins you have committed. I hope that you rot in the most forsaken, damned pits of hell…..and I hope that you never forget…"

This is really good. I enjoyed it and I look forward to the posting of more of this story. It's written well with excellent imagery. However, some of it is a little overly-dramatic. "The dark, infinite shadow of that blanketed earth" is trying a little much. You could try a little more subtlety, with less adjectives. The hardest thing in narrative writing is deciding whether to be dramatic or subtle and everyone has trouble with it. However, it is really, really good. You do a great job of capturing the reader's attention and you couldn't have picked a better title.

Hi anonymous.

This was interesting. Rather vague, though. But it was nicely executed, nonetheless.
Prologues don't have to be this melodramatic, either. Like metalamor stated above me, you might want to tone it down a bit if you're going to write a whole story with the same description.
Aside from the drama, reading over this feels like I'm literally looking through a thesaurus.

There was no ambivalence, no duality in her conviction. What he had done was irreversible, the void he had created manifesting inside of her, permeating her very existence until only apathy remained.

Not that I don't appreciate an expansive vocabulary... but this is a bit much, don't you agree?

Don't lose your readers amidst a jumble of big words. The plot seems interesting enough; don't feel the need to impress people with rarely-used synonyms.

Keep writing.
Hap

Hey there and welcome to YWS!

Hap and metalamor have already commented on the melodramaticness of the prose, so I won't. I did really like the duality of the heroine: hating this guy apparently, and yet comforting him at the same time. Makes me wonder about their past and why she would bother to even consider comforting him if she really does loathe him so much...

Looking forward to reading more!

~GryphonFledgling

Thank you everyone for you feedback so far. I've tried to tone the melodramatics down as you all suggested. I purposely made the excerpt dramatic, although I do not intend to make the whole story as dramatic. I do, however, agree with all of you that it is a bit over the top.

I tried editing a few of the lines you guys recommended I edit, so please tell me if I seem to be grasping the point to your feedback.

I'm not really sure if this is standard protocol to respond to feedback like this on this site, but if this is incorrect etiquette I can go back and edit this post. I have a few questions regarding the feedback, just regarding specifics.

Hap, could you please tell me exactly which words are rarely used? I learned most of these in my high school english class, and the rest from reading other peoples' work. I replaced ambivalence as i do understand it is not as commonly used as the rest, although I'm still slightly unsatisfied with the word I replaced it with. Which other words are you recommending I simplify?

Metalamor and GryphonFledgling, I made some slight alterations to the text to add some subtlety to the peice. Do you feel that more alterations are necessary to further tone down the drama the prologue exudes?

Hello again.

I think you misunderstand me, and for that, I apologize.
I didn't mean for you to go back and simplify your sentences. In fact, I very much enjoyed the description your first draft contained. The example I gave in my previous review was just an unnecessary mouthful; you don't want to lose the original intent of a sentence because of trivial things like too many sophisticated words/lack of description.

Also, it seems somewhat cliche to have a dramatic prologue.. although I do like this.

Looking up at the sky, Trista immersed herself in the deafening silence. She welcomed the dark, infinite shadow that blanketed the Earth, comforted by the anonymity it afforded her.

This is good emotion/description, and I really like your style here. The problem is that you have to keep up that same mood throughout the whole story. (Well, you don't *have* to, but I hope you do - this is lovely writing.)

Your goal should not be for your prologue to be dramatic and bursting with raw emotion, but to entice readers and to give a taste of what is yet to come in the story. If you've ever read Twilight, then you'll know what I mean when I say the prologue's vague and over-the-top, and then the rest of the book is flat and emotionless. You don't want that!
Sorry if I'm not clear - let me know if you have further questions.

Keep writing.
Hap

Alright, thanks for the clarification. I appreciate your feedback and hope I've encompassed your suggestions in the next chapter I've just finished editing. I seem to be having a bit of difficulty with the first chapter to this series, although the following chapters seem to flow much better. I tried to keep the mood in the first chapter the same as it was in the prologue, although admittedly I believe it came out with a much more casual feel than originally intended. Again, thanks for the feedback and I hope I've effectively incorporated all your suggestions it into my writing.