Child Abuse

Sorry, my updated version

My name is Amy,
It’s my birthday today
I lie here unmoving
No one cares anyway

My face is beaten
So bruised and black
I lie here sobbing
Please don’t let her come back

Why would mummy do this?
Why doesn’t she care?
Why would she beat me?
If she wanted me there?

She just got so angry
Screamed she wanted to be free
Blamed me for her life
Said she hated everything about me

Then I started to cry
And that’s when mummy got mean
She lashed out at my face
I could barely see

She kicked and she punched me
I was screaming in hurt
Till she finally stopped
And left me lying in the dirt

So here I am now
Covered in marks
The pain starts to fade
And everything goes dark


My name is Lucy
I’ve just turned three
I lie here dead
Happy Birthday to me

A really sad, emotional poem. Although i think the ending didn;t seem complete. I think it was a bit too short.

I was screaming in hurt

I didn't like this line, it didn't make sense. Use another word instead of hurt.

Overall your poem was good but lacked strong imagery.

It was sad.... but I think that is what you were aiming for, so all is good.

I have to agree with Angel17. The ending didn't seem to complete it properly. It left you wondering whether the poor girl was dead or just unconcious and I felt like it needed to end on a strong heart-string-puller (is that a word? *doesn't wait for answer* it is now!).

A poem that downs the spirit.
As the poem continued it reached a certain point and then interest began to wane. I feel the problem is not only the ending. It starts off well but from a place detoriorates until the end, where we are left with the feeling that more's to come. Mind you, the beginning is quite good but you need to carry on in the same strain.

I thought this was good. It was so sad. And you're only 13!

This poem reminds me of a chainmail that said if you don't send it then you're heartless.

There is another poem on here just like it.

I didn't really like it, seemed to be way to un-yourselfish.

What's un-yourselfish?!

Yeah, it just didn't catch you. It seemed to just be a story; it needs more emotion. Instead of telling the story, try including more of the girl's emotions and making them seem personal. Also, I think you need some more intriguing, powerful words to convey your message.
Keep writing

This was a very sad, emotional piece and I have to say I'm not a fan of this kind of art. But, yes but, it was a a lovely piece to read and hit home to the readers what a controversial topic child abuse is.

I think you could change your title to something less abrupt and off the subject, as I think 'Child Abuse' is too, on the mark and therefore doesn't leave much to the imagination, although this poem needs none to figure out what is going on.

Good work, and editing.

I think the issue here is that you're putting too much plot into what is clearly trying to be an emotional poem. Try this. Take out everything that is about what actually happened, and see what you're left with. You're left with a little girl wondering why her mommy doesn't love her, real honest-to-goodness curiosity. Now try adding stuff instead of the plot of the poem. Like maybe the little girl's teddy bear and how she kisses it and tells it she loves it every night and how she sleeps with it tucked under her arm when she fall asleep in the broom closet. Or how she sees the other children with their popsicles and she can't understand why her mommy doesn't give her nice food. Things like that.

Okay, on to the good stuff. Something that was really awesome in your poem was that I really felt that the little girl was, well, a little girl. The reader immediately knew something was seriously wrong with this little girl's life the moment we read the third line. I felt so much sympathy for the little girl I wanted to sweep her up and hug her and wipe away the tears.

One last thing. The title sounds more like the name of an essay, not a poem. Try The Way I died or something more grabby. A title is a reader's first impression, after all.

Au revoir et bon nuit!

Aussie

Sounds like one of those cheesey bulletins you have to repost on Myspace otherwise you don't care about life or small children and amy's ghost will knife you from under your bed.

EDIT: I see Elizabeth said it first. Oh well.

Oh, and I see you start off saying her name is "amy" and end calling her "lucy."

That's the epitome of professionalism...