random poems

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Abandoned
Their backs have turned on you
What an awful thing to do
Their loyalties are elsewhere now
Until their next row
You hurt them bad, cut them deep
The things you did were pretty steep
But they had no right to abandon you
They should’ve seen you through and through
It has made you more aware
Of who will really care
When you’re hurting too
Real friends will forgive you


Damned to Hell
We live together, leading such pathetic lives
Not much fits in our shallow minds
When the end comes
We die alone
Maggot riddled flesh
Peeling at the bone
Empty eye sockets
Staring into the darkness
Don’t pray or say you’re sorry
God will not forgive
You will pay in flesh and blood
For all you’re wretched sins
We’re all damned
We’re all condemned
To eternal torture in hell
As your body,
Six feet beneath the ground,
Is eaten out like a shell
Your soul is down here with me
Bound in shackles, whipped with lashes
Face burnt beyond any hope of being recognised




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gday. For your 1st poem i think the rhyme sounds a bit forced, remember that poems don't always have to rhyme. It has good rhythm though. The second poem however doesn't have much rhythm or rhyme but nice description. The end sounds kind of abrupt like you cut off in mid thought... maybe you could expand a bit on who the person telling the poem is.
Your soul is down here with me
Is he/she the devil or what?

cheerio




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i agree with fighta but i dont think that the rhyme in the first poem sounded forced, i think it flowed quite nicely.
Face burnt beyond any hope of being recognised

would sound better as "face burnt beyond any hope of recognition"
some bits in the second poem rhymed, where as other bits didn't. i found this inconsistency annoying.
other than that i liked both your poems. good work :D
Last edited by randomer on Tue Aug 10, 2010 11:51 am, edited 1 time in total.




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I think it all flowed pretty well. You also had a good way with the imagery in these poems. Good work!
"Madness rides the Star wind"

HP Lovecraft. Ironic, no?



Everything is a lot of things!
— Hank Green