The Stranger

This is currently being reviewed.

Yo,
well, I reviewed this text, then clicked the link at the bottom, and it turned out, that the books is already written, finished and published,and this here is something like a 'first chapter sampler'. Fair enough. I'll still put here what I thought


Just beyond her field of vision she detected a great raven with a veil of celestial jewels ascending above the emaciated trees - psychedelic, but very foggy. I know, it's a dream, but still, you gotta help me imagine something.

in this water-logged world, heh, what are water-logs?

Hazy mists blurred the days and nights. Fitful dreams, more and more real lately than even her waking moments. Was she trying to escape from the hum-drum and challenges of her daily life, or was there something else afoot? Was this huge raven a remnant of some lingering dream, or a real sign of trouble ahead? - a bit too fast the sentences are piled up. Some baby-talk sentences are needed, like 'she asked herself', 'she mused' or something.

Whoever had named her mother after that sweet alcoholic beverage had made a perfect choice for her - is her mother an orphan? Is it really a mystery of who named?

She curled up on her bed, clutching her aching stomach. She struggled to keep her eyes open, focusing on the eddies of dust playing around the base of her bookcase in the corner of her room. - the aching stomach comes out of nowhere. At least one introductory sentance of her feeling it coming on, or 'again' or something.

Then a predictable smash from the kitchen. That sounds like another glass broken. I wonder who’ll get nagged to clean that up?
It’s not like I hate school – I just find it hard to fit in. She swallowed the lump in her throat
"Not a moment later."
As if you cared. - abrup jump of point of views. You should at least put the mental comments of the protagonist in italics. Which you probably have, but it got lost when pasting here.

The door swished behind her and Saffire was alone, outside on the small balcony. The cold morning mist draped over a vista of flat marshland. Distant red waterbuses rattled, taking commuters to work. A mobile newsagent made its morning stops around Lindisfarne Fen, relating news and tittle-tattle. The waves by the edge of her house slapped and chortled and Saffire began to hum to herself... - great descriptive parapgraph

She untied one of the rowing boats from the post in the middle of the jetty, carefully climbed in, and pushed off. - 'pushed off' as in the British way of saying 'left', or you mean 'pushed herself away', or something?

All in all, a nice setting, perhaps a post-apocalyptical one? An alternative reality one? Or this is how Britain is, but I just don't know? haha. The basic premise seems to be the typical 'young protagonist has nasty parent, is downtrodden, but is in fact special, and has special real parent'. Well, a plot core as good as any I'd say. Not bad at all.

Who's the publisher, SRFire? Your website doesn't say.

This is currently being reviewed.

SRFire wrote:I'm sorry - I don't know where napalmerski as got this information from. It is certainly not published and I am a bit upset by this. I came here for support.

Your website, which is linked in your signature, has a "Purchase Book" link prominently featured on the front page. I reached the same conclusion as napalmerski - that the book was already published. If you're still revising the novel, then perhaps our critique can still be of assistance to you.

edit: And this page of your website says, "'The Three Keys' is due to be published in 2010". I'm now even more confused.

Yo, Sana,
as Karsten says - when it looks ready, has a site and a link for purchase - what other conclusion can one make? Plus I googled around and saw it in Authonomia, or something like that, some scheme by HarperCollins.
Anyway, it's not unthinkable to make a short introduction: 'hi everyone, this is so and so, and so and so will happen in the future, I'm hoping for your support.'
...And this is a site where we help each other by critiquing our stuff, thus growing as writers, and I gave my support, by critiquing your stuff in an unbiased manner.
Appologies if I made you feel bad, I hope you now feel good, that my feedback was useful, and that you'll critique some of us soon.