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Researched the Lazarus legend, aparently one school of thought points to France, the other to Cyprus. Absolutely not my invention

Hey Napal ^^ Shina here to do a review for you I've been on hiatus for a while, and I just came back this morning. You haven't gotten any feedback, so I decided you'll be my first person to review without my purple title I'm a bit rusty, but I think I can manage.

I. Nitpicks

napalmerski wrote:

Time seemed to move in different ways here.

The first line is supposed to be the hook, yes? It's the window to the story, and it has to be just right. I won't rant about its importance, but I will tell you that it need to hook the reader, draw them in. This first line isn't doing the job for me, but I'll check your supporting sentences to see if it's alright.

He had almost forgotten his life before. Floating in the white swirling clouds it seemed to him that both eternity and a moment were the same. Therefore, he felt as if he had been there for but a moment. He felt as if he had been there for an eternity.

Okay, you definitely need to fix this first paragraph. It takes a lot of effort to understand what's going on in the story, and it doesn't seem like the effort is worth it.

I think the best way to fix this beginning is by making it active. Literary agents say that they do not like slow beginnings that just sit there and describe the scene. You should be more creative and explain whatever it is you're explaining later in the story, because the beginning is where you're supposed to get your story on its wheels and get it rolling.

Somewhere on the periphery of this cloudy world a darker portion pulsated, ever reminding him to not go that way. It was an outer darkness, from which laments could be heard, weeping, gnashing of teeth.

Here's another thing literary agents hate: describing the weather in the first few paragraphs.

II. Overall
I skimmed through the rest of your story and the problems were consistent. As important as descriptions are, if you make them too lengthy, it makes the story hard to follow, and it makes the reader want to stop reading.

The rule of thumb is only write what's relevant to the story. So don't describe insignificant things. Readers tend to not like reading things that will waste their time.

You could have a good idea going here, but it's being drowned by all these confusing, unnecessary descriptions. Make your beginning active, make this first chapter move and draw the readers in, and then I'll be able to critique the story.

PM me if you have any questions ^^

-Shina

Hello again napalm.

Then even all this grew dim. He felt as if his eyes were closed. He felt as if he was in a body again. A real body. But so strange, this feeling. As if... As if he was feeling the rotten flesh on his body knit itself back. There was no pain, but a strong tingling sensation, as if he was inside some sort of electromagnetic field. A small iron nail surrounded by magnets on all sides, spinning, spinning, spinning...

That capitalized 'a' stuck out to me for some reason. Is it really supposed to be capitalized? I mean, it follows ellipses, so does that justify the capitalization?

Sorry to say it, but I have to agree with the poster above me about the first paragraph being confusing. I don't have a problem with the overall description of your story like her, just the wording of that particular paragraph.

Happy writing napalm.

- *My signature*

Hihi, thanks for the feedback, Aspiring and Angels-Symphony!
But I'm gonna have to make a stand here - this is exactly the way the story should start. With the protagonist swirling in confusing nothingness. I believe I can evade the 'hook' thing for two reasons: one - this, according to my plan, is the 12th or 13th story in a cycle; and two - the general plot has been around for over 2000 years and needs no introduction.
Sweet Angels-Symphony, the dark cloud is not 'the weather':), far from it.
Anyway, thanks to both reviewers