The Chronicles Of A Teenage Vampire

16 posts1, 2
Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 300
Reviews 0
Okay, this is a newer version of a story im writing and i want to know if you guys can review it for me and this is the full first chapter.... All types of revieews are accepted by me =)

Chapter 1 Rebound

I scavenged around the dark alley’s of Chicago to find someone who could help me. I wasn’t like any other ordinary teenage girl I was a monster who didn’t hardly have any control over her thirst. The sky grew dark and rain started to come down I quickly ran under a doorway entrance so I wouldn’t get wet. My red hair hardly fell out of place from thickness of the rubber band.
I scanned the area of well dressed people with there umbrellas in their hands. In the blink of an eye I saw a guy around my age he had beautifully gorgeous medium light brown hair and deep dark brown eyes. He suddenly turned and saw me I quickly turned and hid my face so he wouldn’t see me I laughed a little and turned a bit. I felt a cold touch on my hand I flinched and quickly turned around. And there he was his beautiful luscious medium light brown hair and his deep dark brown eyes that were the shade of chocolate.
I closed my eyes for a second and then opened them back up and noticed that he was gone in a flash. I tossed my hood on top of my head and walked towards Lake Michigan. I gazed out at the darkness and aurora of the waves crashing against the sides of the ground. Oh I almost forgot my name is Sophia Sanders and I am also half werewolf. Even though I don’t have the luscious black hair, tanned skin and dark brown eyes I stood out more in which I didn’t care. I was happy for who I was.
I have pale skin and some freckles well at least that’s what my mom tells me. I laid in the sand and gazed up at the night sky covering the rain from my face. I heard someone approach me they grabbed my arm and pulled me up into there arms.
“Sophia, where have you been?” my older brother Carlos asked.
“I was roaming around that’s all, you don’t have to worry!” I shouted at him as he set me on to my feet. He grabbed my arm and dragged me to his Mercedes Benz. He opened the door and I moped into my seat he closed the door behind me and quickly got into the drivers seat. He then drove off the gravity pushing me into the back of my seat.
We then arrived at home in a second. We both got out and headed up the stairs into the house. My mother walked up to me and grabbed me by the ear and dragged me into the kitchen and placed me right in front of the sink.
“Now you get going on those dishes this instant!” she yelled at me and let go of my ear finally.
“But mom I did it yesterday and ever since you adopted me.” I groaned.
“Don’t you back talk me young lady!” she wagged her finger in my face.
“But-” she cut me off and wagged it again in my face. I looked over at Carlos, Maria and his friends all they did was stand there and watch.
After I was finished with the last dish I looked at the clock on the stove and saw that it was already midnight. I quietly walked up the stairs and fell flat onto my cozy queen size bed. I thought about the guy that I have seen earlier his face kept haunting my mind for a while. As I fell asleep I started to dream about him. “I woke up and saw him standing over me he smiled and he showed his teeth behind his grow-up teeth he hid fangs. I sat and backed away and fell straight onto my back. He quickly jumped ontop of me and slid next to my side. As I breathed harder and much faster he smiled again and kissed me ontop of my head.”
I awoke from a knock on my door it was bright and sunny out sweat was coming down my face I felt around my neck but nothing was there. The person knocked again I quickly got up and walked over to the door and slowly opened it.
“Hello?” I whispered.
“Sophia, are you ok?” Maria asked me as she pushed the door open a bit more.
“Yeah, I’m fine what time is it?” I asked opening the door wide open.
“It’s 7:45 and your going to be late.” she giggled a little under her breath. I gazed at her and hesitated for a moment. I shut the door as she left down the stairs and headed out the front door, I quickly got dressed and ran out to the door arrogantly forgetting my house key. As I went down the stairs from the front door I noticed everyone had already left. I quickly ran out of the gate way and ran to, “Young Magnet High School.”
After about twenty minutes I finally got there… LATE! The dean Ms. Lawrence caked me into her office after waiting. I walked in and sat in the seat next to her desk. Her desk was covered with pictures of her kids and husband. She looked at me disgusted and placed her hands lightly into her lap.
“Sophia, what has happened to you? You used to be a straight A and B student, and you used to be very outgoing and well at your school and homework.” she raised an eyebrow and sighed.
“I’m not really sure it’s just I have a lot of things going on all at once.” I almost welded up with tears but I held it in.
“Oh, is there something going on at home?” she asked curiously.
“Well..” I thought about the ways my mother had thrown her anger out on me but I didn’t tell anything to anyone and continued. “No, nothing’s going on.” I smiled a sly smile. She nodded and excused me to my next period which was gym. As the bell rang for the five minute I quickly ran to the locker room and got changed before anyone else did.
As I stepped out of there I ran inside the gym and scanned the room to see if I can find anyone I knew.
“Hey, Sophia!” Camilla yelled from the other side of the gym. She quickly ran towards me in a flash. Her smoothly shoulder-length straight black hair swooshed into her face her icy blue eyes and pale skin were phenomenal. Her dashing blue eyes were so hard to not look away from.
“Hey Camilla.” I whispered.
“What’s wrong?” she asked frowning.
“Nothing it’s just.. Never mind you wouldn’t understand.” I shivered at the thought of my mother. A second later a person came in his face structures were like a angels and his dark chocolate brown eyes lit up the room and his medium light brown hair was dashingly amazing to look at since it was more rarer to have brown hair in this part of town.
“Whoa. Baby. Who is he?” I asked not noticing that my jaw was dropped.
“Oh, him? That’s Ronan. Gorgeous isn’t he?” Camilla asked smiling and staring at him with me. I nodded slowly and kept gazing at him. He went towards two other people that looked almost like him. The girl with auburn hair turned and looked at me funny and pointed towards me.
The three of them turned and walked on over to us. In a second I snapped out of it and saw them right by us both.
“Hello there.” he said in a jingling musical tone.
“H-hello.” I stuttered a little.
“Hey, Ronan.” Camilla said in a flirty tone.
“Hey Camilla.” he replied smiling at both of us.
“Oh and Ronan I want you to meet someone.” Camilla smiled at him and then turned to me.
“Oh, really well does she have a name?” he asked still smiling.
“My name is Sophia.” I answered shyly.
“What a beautiful name.” Ronan said smiling even wider exposing his teeth a little. One of the girls then cleared there throats very loud to get his attention. “Oh and this is Adyla and AdaBella.” he gestured them both as they waved at me.
“Ronan you are mean.” AdaBella said sarcastically. Her beautiful brown hair almost went down towards her waist the curls that lightened her beautiful green eyes. Adyla stood there not saying a word and looked at me curiously. Her auburn hair was delectable and was almost the same length as AdaBella‘s. Her brilliantly beautiful sapphire eyes triggered with excitement as she gazed at me.
Ronan continued to gaze at me trying to study my expression. Camilla turned her head looking at both of our eyes locked onto each others.
“Wow, I am a good match maker.” she smiled and giggled.
“What?” I asked snapping out of the gaze.
“I said I’m a good match maker.” she sighed and gave me a serious look and continued. “So, lets all hang out some time.” AdaBella said out of the blue. We all looked at each other and nodded.
“Ok, when?” I asked curiously.
“How about-” she was cut off by the noise of a whistle. Coach Jameson came up to all of us and took us all outside into the freezing cold. It felt like it was -20 degrees as we all stepped out into the cold Chicago air. I looked around at everyone huddling together to keep warmth. A second past and Coach Jameson headed towards the football field with all of us in a straight line of two’s.
I turned my head to see Ronan standing right next to me. Looked down and smiled a little Camilla looked up at him frowning and then stared at me the whole time we stood outside.
“Alright everyone we are going to be running a 3k run today.” Coach Jameson yelled so basically everyone could hear his screeching voice that was so loud the other side of town could hear him yell. He looked around all of us and was stunned by our looks. “Why aren’t you going? MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!” he yelled at the top of his lungs.
We all quickly ran out on to the ice cold track. Camilla quickly ran up to me and innocently smiled at me and then quickly frowned and sighed.
“What’s wrong?” I asked squinting my eyebrows.
“Nothing, it’s just I liked Ronan first.” she whispered to me and sighed again.
“Oh well I just like him as a friend.” I whispered back to her so only she could here.
“No, it’s fine you can like him.” she whispered even louder.
“Do you have to whisper loud?” I asked amused by her.
“Sorry, it’s just I like him and it’s completely fine with me if you like him to.” she placed her head down to look at her feet and ran off into the thick mid morning air. I sighed and quickly ran towards the bleachers to run out of the school yard.
As soon as I got back inside the gym I went into the girls locker room the walls were partly torn out and the ceiling looked like it was going to fall anytime soon. The floor was tinted with green paint and everything else was covered with white. I looked around to see if Camilla was anywhere to be found.
All I saw was pure darkness in every corner. A person then touched my shoulder I quickly jumped and turned. Adyla was standing there her eyes still looking at me astonishingly. She barged right through me and quickly ran to a dark center of the room. I walked inside and gazed at the spot she was at.
I took three steps inside the door then it closed from behind me. I quickly ran back to the door and tried to open it. Someone then grabbed my arm and without them knowing my skin started to turn with muscle my other arm then grabbed on to them I flung the person to the opposite side of the wall.
They quickly got up and went straight towards me throwing me to the ground. Ronan then came in and turned on the light. His eyes were big once he saw Camilla on top of me he ran towards her in a flash he moved her out of the way and helped me up. I closed my eyes a little his cold fingers made me shutter as he picked me up by the hand.
“Are you ok?” he asked worried and checking me for scars.
“Yeah I’m fine.” I said opening my eyes back up to glare at the crowd of people now forming around the door way. The principal made he way through the crowd and entered through the two girls standing there.
“What is going on here?” Mr. Kingston he asked crossing his arms and his voice stern and groggy.
“Nothing.” I said hanging on to Ronan’s tight arm locked around my waist.
“All. of you… to my office immediately!” he yelled while stomping out and making everyone else leave. Ronan and I both hung on to each other not letting go into the principal’s office while Adyla, Camilla and AdaBella were following behind us both.
The door swung closed as we all gathered inside. The room was cramped with pale white walls and grayish black carpeting on the floor. Mr. Kingston walked towards his desk and sat in his chair.
“Sit.” he said calmly. We all slowly sat down in the seats that were available in the small room. Ronan’s was still locked around me. I looked up at him. He did the same I smiled a little looked back over at Mr. Kingston. His eyes were wide with amusement at us all.
“Now, tell me.” he said placing his hands firmly on the desk. And continued. “What exactly happened?”
“Well..” Adyla spoke up in a beautiful Australian accent which was decent since she had a little jingle in it, she then continued. “We… we..” she looked over at Ronan for help. He looked back at her and gestured his hands to continue. She sighed and continued again. “We, skipped class.” she said broadly.
“Well, then I suppose you all know where the detention room is?” he asked eyeing us all suspiciously. We sat there puzzled and shook our heads. He looked at us again and smiled grimly. He got up and walked over to the his face features were still in the form of the grimly smile, his fat was tucked away in his shirt.
He opened the door and had us follow him outside into the hallway. As we got out into the hallway Mr. Kingston quickly grabbed his notepad out and signed us all for detention next week. After we got the pass we all walked away Camilla didn’t look or speak to me for the rest of the day. I started to feel guilty and thought maybe both Ronan and Camilla were meant to be.
As the last bell rang I quickly hurried down to my locker. I opened it and out came a note. I opened it up and read it,

“Sophia,
I am extremely sorry for anything that Camilla did to you I hope you are alright from now on. And hopefully we can still remain friends or be more than just that, see you in detention Tuesday.

Ronan.”
I smiled a little and folded the note back up. I walked out the door and headed across the street towards Carlos’s car. I opened the front door and hopped into the seat. I shut the door and glared over at Carlos’s arms tangled on his seat belt.
“What’s wrong?” I asked puzzled a little.
“What?” he asked and turned towards me and continued. “Nothing’s wrong lets just get going.” he pulled out from his parking space and headed down the street. As we almost approached the house Carlos glanced at me a few times and sighed.
“So, I heard you got a detention.” he said with his hands gripping tightly on the wheel.
“Yeah, but it’s not my fault….it was a girls fault.” I said quietly a little. He quickly pressed foot down hard on the brakes the cars behind us did the same.
“It wasn’t Camilla now, was it?” he asked his head starting to beat sweat and grinding his teeth.
“Well… Kind of… We actually got into a argument.” My voice started to break a little at the words as they poured out of my mouth. He turned his head back onto the road and put the car back into neutral and drove off like the speed of light. As soon as we got home I rushed into the house and ran up to my bedroom the walls were painted with neon pink and had beaded lines of beads, the floor was also carpeted with thick dark blue and was covered with my blanket and clothes.
I glared over towards my open window, ‘Did I leave that open?’ I asked myself walking towards the window and quickly closed it. I turned and saw Maria, Carlos and there friend standing in the doorway. “What’s wrong?” I asked amused by there entrance into my room. “We know what Camilla and your new friends are and…. We think its time to tell you.” Tia said as she left Carlos’s side approaching. I looked at her like she was insane. What on earth did they mean by, ‘we know what they are?’ I continued to gaze at her and hesitated for a moment.
“What the bloody hell are you talking about?” I yelled.
“Whoa! Calm down Sophia.” Maria quickly approached me saying. I huffed and sat on my bed. Both Maria and Tia followed.
“Well, then tell me this… Why am I half werewolf?” I asked trying to hold back tears.
“Well… it’s not that hard to really explain.” Carlos said coming towards us from the doorway.
“Tell me later then.” I said with my voice breaking again. My mother then called for them. They all galloped down the stairs under a second and was outside in a flash. I looked around and walked towards my window again amazed at how many showed up. I quickly ran downstairs until I reached the seventh step down. The were all speaking a language that I didn’t really understand that well which was Portuguese. All I knew for the language which was only a few words, the first few words I knew what my mother had said was, “Jeanette seu grande vê-lo finalmente!” translated into, “Jeanette its great to see you finally!” I glared around the room looking at a lot of the people who were beginning to walk in. Everyone who were girls and guys were both Carlos and Maria’s age while the only person I can talk to was my avó which was Portuguese for my grandma.
As my other two cousins who were fraternal twins saw me from the doorway entrance they quickly ran up to the step that I was on, (oh did I mention that one was a boy and the other was a girl?) I looked up at them there dark brown eyes and perfect brownish-blackish hair partly covered both of there faces.
“Elana? Alec is that really you?” I asked gasping and jumping to my feet.
“Yeah, it’s really us Sophia it’s great to see you again.” Elana said in one breath and smiled. Alec quickly hugged me and gasped.
“What?” I asked frowning.
“Your… powers…. There formed quite good… even for a half breed that’s really good.” he said smiling and in his sexy Portuguese accent. I felt amazed at seeing how grown up they are and how much muscle they have since the last time I have seen them.
“I guess my powers have formed.” I said disappointed.
“Oh, well don’t worry we will teach you when to use them against evil.” Maria said climbing the stairs to go by my side again.
“Wait there’s more things to worry about?” I asked curiously and a bit puzzled.
“Yeah, there’s witches, wizards, vampires-”
“Wait!” I said quickly cutting Elana off. “Did you say vampires?” I asked demandingly.
“Yeah, vampires.” she whispered.
Then out of no where there was a rumble going under our feet, everything and everyone in the house started to shake violently. I quickly grabbed Maria, Elana and Alec’s arms and rushed them under the nearest table we could find. A minute later the four of us blacked out. I heard sirens going off and a bright flash of white light almost blinding me go right past me.
I opened my eyes and gazed around the room. I sat up and stared into the blank darkness and felt my head. My head felt like it was hit real hard and it also felt like I was being pauperized by rocks. I thought again and again to remember exactly what had happened at that moment when mostly everyone in my family was almost killed. I felt around for a light switch. As I soon as I found it I flipped it on. I gazed around the room and noticed that I was in the hospital.
I tried to hold back tears again but it wouldn’t help I leaned against the ice cold metal door and sobbed for the next twenty minutes. I kept on thinking but nothing appeared. I even thought if anyone survived what had happened a while ago. Why the hell would I even be born if none of this would’ve happened?
I gazed around the room and tried to concentrate on what happened during the rupture of the earthquake. I got up and opened the hospital door and saw a few doctors passing by. I quickly shut the door again and tiptoed over to my bed. I clutched at a few blankets and tied knots on to each end.
I then ran over to the window and opened it. I looked around and felt the cold Chicago air creeping in around me. I ran over to the door one last time turned out the light and threw the first end of the blanket out the window. (It wasn’t really that far, I was actually on the first floor and all I had to do was try and land on two feet and try not land on my damn ass face.)
As I stepped one foot calmly out the window the door crept open a little but there wasn’t anyone they’re. the wind started to make me cold again I tugged onto the sheets and blanket that was holding me up from the bed post. I quickly swung down until my feet hit the ground. As I hit the ground my leg started to swell and I cried out in pain and tried to cover my god damn mouth. But nothing seemed to work until I limped my way down the few empty streets of the night.
The night continued to grow even more dark, the moon began to glow more upon my face. I felt hair starting to form a little on my face I gasped and ran to the opposite side of the street and hid in an alley. I felt my fangs starting to crack through my k-nine teeth I gasped one last time and covered my face until I could see the horror in my eyes through a small puddle. I glared at myself as I looked at my new horrid look, and I new it from before I was a monster no one in my family, ancestors, tribes or anyone else who was a werewolf or half breed knew how to control it, except for me. I was one of the lucky few who actually knew how to tame myself against trying to bite or even attack a human or… dare I say it… vampire.
Even as a young girl my great, great avó’s great, great grand-daughter knew how to tame herself during the influence and rebound of the transformation. Every time my avó told me about how her great avó’s great, great grand-daughter Jasmine, she would kind of tear up but no tears would appear in her eyes and it was rare for a werewolf to cry but not to a… vampire.
I looked up at the moon and howled in the distance, as I looked up I saw people open there windows and flick on there lights and look out to see if there was a sort of stray dog on the loose. Right after I finished howling and went back to my normal phase everyone turned there lights back off, closed and locked their windows back up.
I closed my eyes and gazed back into the puddle. As I gazed into it all I could say was the normal me again. I let myself drop to the ground and land on my knees my bad leg oozed with pain, I heard someone scream a second later I jumped back to my feet and ran to see who was screaming.
As soon as I got to the corner I leaned in towards the wall and glared over at the spot where two figures were standing. I gazed in more to see someone digging into the young woman’s throat, she tried to break free but had no choice except… to lie there and… die.
I blinked for a mild second… and felt someone tug me to there side in a second my eyes grew wide as I gazed up to see that it was Ronan who had tugged at me he planted me into his arms and ran rapidly under a second to the next alley across.
As we stopped he continued to hang on to me as we hid against the wall.
“What are you do-”
“Shush.” He said cutting me off. He looked behind the wall again and saw that the person and the young woman were gone. He firmly grasped me away from his side.
“What are you doing out here?” he asked worried.
“I… was just roaming around that’s all.” I said facing towards the ground. He sighed and smiled.
“Alright as long as you never get hurt it’s fine with me.” he said in a perfect melody in his voice. He grabbed my hand and walked me down the street. As we got down toward the last street light we both stopped in front of a red Mercedes Benz. I felt my jaw drop as I gazed at the beauty of the car gleaming into my eyes.
“Is this your car?” I asked speechless.
“Yeah… It is.” he said smiling a little. He walked me over slowly and opened the car door and helped me in. he shut the door and in a flash was in the drivers seat and putting the key in the ignition. I put on my seatbelt and felt the gravity push me at a 20 degree angle into the seat. As we drove off he looked at me and smiled a little.
“So tell me… why exactly were you out here?” he asked smirking a little grin.
“I was actually… Oh forget it, it’s a long story.” I said frowning.
“Don’t worry I know how you feel.” he said looking down at his feet and then back on the road, I looked at him puzzled and though how the hell does he know how I feel? I mean, he is like maybe the most perfect guy that I have ever met. Maybe just maybe, he is something big and knows to much about me.
I gave up on thinking about it and moved on to another subject. At last as we got down the street towards my house he quickly pulled over and stopped the car.
“Look.” he sighed and lightly pounded the wheel and continued. “I’m sorry it’s just I’m going through the same thing and you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” he said and looked at me. I tried hard not to gaze straight into his but it pushed me in his dark chocolate brown eyes poured right inside me it almost made me feel like I was in a happy place, heaven? No, in my own little fantasy world with just me and him both and no one else but us both.
He leaned in a little and I did the same we both closed our eyes and as soon as I knew it there was a big bang. We both snapped out of it and looked at each other with wide open eyes.
“I need to get you out of here.” he said he quickly put the car in neutral and speeded down the road passing the sears tower and passed all of the other building’s. as we hopped onto the express way I gazed around outside of the window and soon enough I felt like I was hyperventilating. Ronan gazed down at me and placed his arm around me.
“It will be ok, I promise.” he whispered and kissed me on top of my forehead. I then smiled at his beautiful velvet voice.
As soon as we passed through the exit that entered through Blue Island we decided to make a few stops along the way. We first stopped in Blue Island as I mentioned before. While we were there we met up with a few of Ronan’s family members and friends. We stopped in front of a beautiful white house that had beautiful landscaping, the outside had beautiful white tiles surrounding it all. The main entrance had bricks leading up to the front door.
We both got out of the car and walked up the path I tugged myself at Ronan and held on to his hand and smiled as he knocked on the door. He looked down at me and quickly looked at the door as it squeaked open. A girl then peaked through the crack and looked Ronan up and down.
“Ronan, it’s you!” the beautiful voice said she opened the door a little bit more and stuck her body out really fast and closed the door a little.
“Lilac, it’s nice to see you.” he said smiling widely. I glanced at them both and looked at her beautiful dark brown curls, and stared into her beautiful wild dark brown eyes. She looked at me my face covered with a bit of mud still I stayed frozen for about five minutes as we locked eye contact.
She gave me a smirk and looked back at Ronan and her smirk faded away.
“So you… have a girlfriend now?” she asked crossing her arms and rested her shoulder on the right side of the doorway.
“Yeah, we sort of are dating.” he said puzzled and smiled down at me.
“Oh… really then kiss.” she demanded in a broad tone.
“What!” I demanded and yelled a little.
“You heard me.” she gave me a look and laughed a little. “Kiss.” she demanded again.
He looked at me and I slowly made my eyes towards his. He placed his hand gently on my chin and raised my head up. I then moved in slowly and as soon as our lips touched there was a sound of a bullet.
“Oh my god! Guys quickly get inside!” Lilac yelled as she grabbed our arms and ran into the house and on to the stair case.
“What the hell is wrong Lilac?” Ronan demanded as he stood quickly on both of his legs.
“Nothing…. It’s just…. Can I talk to you…” she looked down at me and hesitated for a moment and looked back at Ronan. “Alone.” she said with her voice cracking a little.
I sat on the two steps as they both stepped into the small living room.
“What’s going on?” Ronan whispered as he turned around to face Lilac.
“There here.” she mumbled a little and faced the ground.
“Who?” he walked up to her and raised her chin up to his level.
“Your father.” her voice broke and her eyes were now glassy and staring deeply into Ronan’s eyes. He stomped to the opposite side of the room and sat on the couch planting his face into his hands.
“How could he be here… I thought we chased him away from here and into Berlin.” he said looking and studying his hands as he shook his head.
“He must of found out that you were still… alive.” her voice broke again and she sat right by his side.
“Oh yeah, the whole point of me doing that was to protect the other mortals.” he whispered. A few minutes later there was total silence. I got up and ran towards the open door way and walked slowly towards them and cleared my throat as they looked up.
“I.. Uhhh… can I go home now, please?” I hesitated and looked at him breathing heavily.
“Oh. My. God. I knew it!” Lilac jumped to her feet in a flash and gave me an evil look.
“Werewolf!” she growled and pounced at me, I fell to the floor as Ronan hit her stomach and knocked her to the opposite side of the room.
“No one hurts her!” He grabbed me and caressed me to his chest and I could hear him growl under his breath. She got up and slowly ran out the door in human speed. He quickly inspected me for bruises and cuts.
“I’m fine.. I mean.” I then quickly fainted and landed into his arms. I felt a sharp pain go straight through my leg. I felt blood coming down my face as I woke up.
“Are you okay love?” he asked panicking.
“Yeah, I’m fine I just feel really dizzy.” I whispered so he could only hear. I sat up as he held his arms out to catch me just in case I fainted again, “Where am I?” I asked puzzled and rubbing my head.
“Your at a underground hideout.” he whispered to me.
“Ronan.” I whispered a little louder.
“What?” he asked patiently and needy. I looked at him and smiled and then placed my hand at the side of his cheek. He placed his hand on mine and chills went straight down my spine. He lead the way by leaning in slowly. I closed my eyes and he lightly pressed his hard cold lips onto mine. As we closed our eyes I felt fireworks and sparks going off… and that was probably how a first kiss felt. As we opened our eyes and smiled happily at each other. I placed my head on top of his and kissed him again. And that’s when I knew he was the one for me, and he would be my knight and shining armor, my one and only Romeo and I was his… Juliet.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1817
Reviews 82
WOAH.

Uum.

I'm a little overwhelmed. First of all, try posting it chapter or two at a time to make for MUCH easier reviewing and feedback.

PM me when/if you do!

Taylor
~formerly Ilovebubbles123

"There's only one thing
to do
three words
for you.
Ooh, I love you.

There's only one way
to say
those three words
that's what I'll do.
Ooh, I love you. "

For you.




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 300
Reviews 0
this is the first chapter and why do i have to post two?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3378
Reviews 20
Alright...
lets start from the beginning...
I started reading and i felt like I was being hit with waves and waves of information. Plus, you didn't put comas and periods in the right places so that got me even dizzier. I don't like saying this but i had to stop reading cause there were so many mistakes. You rushed into so many things like suddenly seeing a guy and heading down to a beach and all those things. Try and slow down your story a bit and it won't look so rushed and un-orderly. I know that its a full chapter but I think its way to long. Try cutting down the chapter into parts or put in your favorite part for us to help you with. I wanted to know more about her surroundings and how she felt.
Are her parents vampires? I wasn't sure if she was dreaming being a vampire or if she really was one... It was just really confusing. But its OK. Don't worry I'm just trying to help. I usually think of a book and just start writing and writing then i never look back. This is how your stories could look rushed because you didn't look back to fix them. I say try rewriting like the first six sentences...slow it down... and post it and I'll see how you did.
I think you should begin it with a flash back so the reader will be waiting for it throughout the story. It will make your book more grasping. I'm not an expert myself but you should find more help. Try to make it less like a tornado and more like waves. Story goes up and down in a nice rhythm.
Send me a PM to let me know when you re wrote it in shorter sections and i'll be happy to look into it in more depth.


Sara




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 300
Reviews 0
ok thanks =) ill look at the sentances again and redit them




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1730
Reviews 48
*sigh* why can't everyone get over Twilight and stop writing stories so heavily based off of it? It's my own personal hell. Please don't post another chapter. :(
I wish my lawn was emo so it would cut its self.




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 300
Reviews 0
its different then twilight and why shouldnt i?




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 2016
Reviews 19
I don't believe you should tell someone what to and not to post, RubinLikes2Write. She can post what she wants. Twilight12, crit ticket. I get to it later I promise. It just a little overwhelming. I suggest posting it only in parts next time if you have such a long chapter.
Men's reach should exceed the stars... else, what's a heaven for?




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 12900
Reviews 110
RubinLikes2Write wrote:*sigh* why can't everyone get over Twilight and stop writing stories so heavily based off of it? It's my own personal hell. Please don't post another chapter. :(


I frequently think this, but there are more helpful ways to put this point across. For example, you could list all the similarities you perceive between this piece and Twilight, so that the author can see exactly how similar it is. Perhaps if you did that, she might strike out in a new and more unique direction. :)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 58538
Reviews 553
Hi twiight12,
So honestly speaking it was too long and boring.Your concept is nice but you don't know how to make it interesting for the readers. Everything happents too quickly. maybe you should take time telling more about Ronan and his pals. IS sophia adopted? Nothing is clear as you don't put commas at appropriate places.I know your story is different than aTwilight but still we all have already read a lot about Vampires and werewolves that they don't interest us any longer. Sorry I didn't like it. Yous should split this into two chapters.
Last edited by MiaParamore on Fri Feb 26, 2010 3:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 2005
Reviews 24
Sorry, I don't like your story, because of these reasons:

1.Because of Twilight, now everything that include a vampire or werewolf element in it instantly got a negative impression on me. Not that I am saying the idea is bad, just blame it on Twilight series that had gave me this kind of mind set.

2. The massive length without enough attraction to keep the reader moving on is hard to swallow...

3. Infodump. The sheer amount of information you hail down on the readers scared me.

4. Too many unnecessary details that distract me and does not contribute anything to the story. Like the famous writer Anton Chekhov said: "If you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off. If it's not going to be fired, it shouldn't be hanging there.", meaning that if you mention about something, it should be something that help the plot of the story in some way. When you mentioned about the male character, and his Mercedes Benz, I don't see what does it have to do with the story except adding to the word count.
Who am I? Just a wanderer, traveling from real life to dreams.

“Writing a book is a very lonely business. You are totally cut off from the rest of the world, submerged in your obsessions and memories.” - Mario Vargas Llosa




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3410
Reviews 18
Hello twilight12,
I too think that it should be cut down a little. But I do not think that it's necessarily based strongly on twilight. One thing that did confuse me though is that it's called The Chronicles Of A Teenage Vampire and the mane character is a half werewolf...is there a reason for this?
I did find a few spelling/grammar/punctuation errors but the chapter was too long to really point them all out.
I can tell it's a fast paced story and that's good but it dose need to be broken down a little to make it easier for the reader to keep track of.
Other then that I personally kinda liked it.

And RubinLikes2Write if you don't like it then just don't read it! It's none of your business whether or not she posts more!
“There are many thing people have claimed can not be true and yet nearly all of them have ether been true to begin with or been made true by thous stubborn enough to ignore them.”-Scientist 666 from my 2009 NaNoWriMo novel.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 58538
Reviews 553
Yes hippie-vampire I am too confused about the title. But anyways, twilight12 is doing great.
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 4933
Reviews 45
Sorry, there, but you could break it down a bit. Major headache :? . Oh and I think you shouldn't listen to Rubinlikes2write, that comment was way too harsh. Anyway, just keep writting and develop your own writing style and in time, you'll perfect it! :wink:
"Madness rides the Star wind"

HP Lovecraft. Ironic, no?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5750
Reviews 76
Alright.
It was long, and frankly, a tad boring. I like your name choices. With names like those, you could have your characters jet-setting around the world, getting up to mischief. Not running around a track, talking about guys. For vampires, that's mundane.
You have like 3 potential chapters there. break it up and slow it down.
One more thing-show, don't tell. Use the senses and become the characters

Good luck!
When life hands you a BAD ROMANCE, pick up your TELEPHONE, call ALEJANDRO and JUST DANCE!



If I see an American in real life or a kiwi in a blockbuster, it feels surreal and weird, and like a funny trip.
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi