"What's inside that room, Karm?" I asked, my eyes peering over the couch towards the Door at the end of the hall. Karman's eyes didn't move from the TV.
"Nothing Flix, you don't need to worry about that room," Karman said edgily. I squinted at him. I couldn't find his eyes, they were hidden behind long strands of brown and blonde hair. Karman was about thirteen or fourteen. He says he lost count after twelve. Age didn't matter to him anymore.
"How come?" I continued, my eyes tracing the light that flooded from beneath the Door. A rough hand pinched the back of my neck and I was thrown backwards. Tears sprung to my eyes. It was Karman, who had pulled me back down onto the floor.
"You don't need to worry about it, Flix. Not now. Hopefully not ever," He said icily. I grunted.
"Humph, yeah. Sure. How come you go into it then?"
"Just fuck up, Fenix. You're 11, so shut up and enjoy where you're at now. That door is nothing, so let it go, would you?" His voice drilled viciously into my mind. Fuck up, Fenix. I shrugged it off, then got up. For the first time in the hours we'd been sitting there, Karman turned to me. I caught a glimpse of hard, grey eyes beneath his fringe. His eyes were ringed with red. I didn't bother to ask why, but I knew every time he returned from behind the Door, his eyes were puffy. He never said why. "Where you going, Flix?"
"Away" I sobbed. Karman made an exasperated growl.
"Whatever," He snapped, then turned his focus back to the TV. I ran out of the door, desperate to keep the tears back for as long as I could. I raced downstairs and went into my room.
I lived in an amazingly minuscule, seven bedroom place. It was broken down and mangled, like the street dogs I saw dying in town. It was a foster house, and I was an orphan, but I had lived here for almost four years of my short life. Eleven, to be exact. I liked to keep count, unlike Karman. My past was as much of a mystery as the Door. I lived with Steve and Sophiya, my foster parents. They didn't really talk to me much, or any of the other kids here. Karman was the closest thing I had to family, he was like a brother, almost. He'd been here the longest, seven years or so. He knew more about the Door than anyone else. He went into it the most. I shook away my thoughts and turned my attention towards the sharp piece of metal on my bedside table. I stared thoughtfully at it. My eyes drifted over to my hand. On my thumb was a huge cut, that was healing itself, painfully and slowly. That one was an accident. The ones beside it weren't.
I didn't like touching my wrists, so I would get the sharp metal piece and dig open my palms and fingers until the pain was so bad I would fall unconscious, for a few hours at least. It wasn't always, that I would cut myself. Only when I would feel that digging sensation in my stomach, the one that felt like a mix of wanting to vomit, and feeling strangled. It was like a clog in my body, and my metal piece would unclog it. Nobody but Karman took notice of my cuts. He wouldn't ask me straight about it, but at dinner, he would eye them up, then glare at me bitterly, shake his head and make me feel terrible. I took the metal piece, and placed it gently onto my palm, the cold surface of it scraping my skin. It was shaped like a triangle, with three sharp points on each edge. I felt the prick of my skin as the points dug into it. It's baby pain, I told myself. You can handle it. Then I closed my hand and slapped my mouth shut with the other. The pain was excruciating, it was like sticking your hand in an open fire with open wounds; but it numbed instantly, like it always does. Blood spilled out of the gaps in my clenched fist, falling onto my clothes and my bed. Gushing. I could hear it. Like an ocean. My mind drifted off...
"Dinner time!" A sweet voice called from my bedroom door. I woke with a jolt to see a figure standing in my doorway. It was Neisha. My other foster-sibling. She was thirteen, with straight black hair and a frail frame. "Wake up, Fenix. It's dinner time" She repeated, then vanished. I saw three more of my foster-siblings pass my open door, then dragged myself to my feet. My hand swung down as I walked and I yelped. I had forgotten my hand was cut. I stopped to look around for my metal triangle, it was gone. I sighed, and figured it had probably dropped under my bed or something. I shoved my hand into my hoodie, I couldn't deal with Karman seeing another cut, and giving me another look. I walked into the dining room. It wasn't much of a dining room, to be honest. But I didn't mind about the size. I jumped at the sight of myself in the mirror that overlooked the long, rickety table. A pale face with brown hair that slid down my neck. I was tall and thin, probably much taller than a normal eleven year old. I was up to Karman's shoulder, and Karman was pretty tall.
My focus returned to the table, there was plates out and platters of food, which smelt and looked good. Steve was sitting down at the head of the table. On his left was Neisha, and on his right Mona, a short, pudgy eight year old with short red hair that was cut into a messy bob. She was rather loud, too. Her big blue eyes regarded me, and I managed a sickened smile her way. Beside Mona was Lucky, who was another eight year old, only he was tall and tanned, with short blonde hair cut close to his skull. He had small brown eyes that rested on the food, he was always eating. More than any of the rest of us. Across from Lucky and Mona was Karman, who was sitting coolly beside Neisha. His face was set in a grim line, and he radiated gloom that didn't seem to reach beyond me. Beside him was Baxter, who was fourteen, with slinky green eyes and black hair that twisted on top of his head. He was half Chinese, with pale yellow skin and with rather delicate features. He is the most handsome of us all, surely. There was an empty seat beside Lucky, so I went to take it. Sophiya finally sat down at the opposite end of the table from Steve, which was next to me and Karman. Sophiya smiled creepily, or at least I found it creepy. "Hello children," She said. Steve grinned at her.
"Good evening, Sophiya," We answered back. We did a prayer, then we tucked in.
The food was good. Sophiya was a pretty good cook, she had me thinking she was a pretty decent foster mother, too. Karman didn't seem to like either of our foster parents, but as to why, I was unsure, too. Mona and Neisha talked loudly about something, as girls do, and Lucky was reaching for seconds. Steve glanced his way. "Stop wolfin' it, boy. Sophiya didn't cook enough for seconds" He chastised. Lucky blushed and placed his plate back down, empty. Mean while, I was feeling particularly down about the fact that almost everyone in the room apart from me and Lucky, had been through the Door. Neisha wouldn't talk to me about it, nor would Mona. I was starting to think that maybe I should stop trusting them at all. Including Karman.
After dinner was over, I slunk away before I would get chosen for dishes. Lucky and Mona rushed up off their seats, too. Neisha gracefully accepted the job, as she usually does each night, and Karman thanked her, then got up and followed us out the door. I noticed how Karman and Neisha exchanged a glance; Neisha's face that of solemn fear, Karman's that of annoyance and apology. I don't think it was about the dishes. I rushed up stairs and into Karman's room. He came in a few seconds later, without acknowledging me. "Flix," He then said suddenly. I looked up at him, my body pressed into the couch. He glared my way, then produced from his pocket, my metal triangle, stained with dry blood. I was dazzled, for a moment. The blood was a beautiful crimson color, glinting off the silver. "Flix," Karman repeated. My eyes met his face, then he tossed the triangle on the space beside me. Defensively, I grabbed it and shoved it in my pocket.
"Where'd you-,"
"Enough Fenix, you stupid kid. Why do you cut yourself, huh? I found you whacked out with blood all over you. Why do you do it, Flix? huh?" He raged. No matter how many times he would try, his voice would always be lyrical. It was cold and angry, but lyrical. Like an angel, or something.
"Why'd you come in my room?" I squeaked, all fury washed out from me as I thought about his voice.
"I figured you'd throw some crazy shit like this again, douche. How'd you even get this?"
"I found it,"
"Fuck off, you can't do it any more. It doesn't help take away the pain, Flix," His voice dropped into a soft snarl, which suddenly made me edgy. There was something in his voice, something distant. I sat in silence, my head bowed. "Flix, you wouldn't understand any of this. I want to tell you, for your safety, but, I dunno." My head snapped up.
"What?"
"Flix-" The door opened. The Door. My jaw dropped as I saw inside. It was empty. White and empty. The floor was marble and grey, and there was a single window that shone streams of light inside it. Steve stepped into the doorway.
"Fenix," He called, "Can you come here for a sec, buddy?" My heart was bounding so violently. Did he mean, inside the Door? He wanted me to go inside the door?! I stood up slowly.
"Fenix, no," I thought I heard Karman hiss as I left his door. I looked over my shoulder anxiously, but Karman has vanished from sight. Shakily I advanced on Steve, who was watching me intently. Sophiya appeared up the stairs behind me, and pushed me forwards.
"Come on, son," She said. I finally reached the Door. The open Door. Light fell into my eyes, then suddenly I was on the floor, and embedded into darkness. I tried to let a scream out as the door clicked behind me. Thin fingers wrapped around my wrists and pulled me up, then one hand clamped over my mouth and nose, sucking away my breath.
"Hush Fenix, hush," Sophiya's voice hissed in my ear.
I think I had a dream. There was a cat, on top of a desk. A man was next to the cat, in a long, white lab coat. Everything around the cat was darkness, and it was crying in fear. The man's lab coat showed, and his hands were extra defined in a strange, fierce light. I couldn't see his face, though. The cat was being hurt, even though the man's hands weren't touching it. I could feel the cat's pain as if it were my own. There was a chugging sound, that echoed around the darkness. Pain seared through my lower spine, and around my ribs. Sharp pain, that felt so real. The cat meowed one last time, a scream that was almost human. Then I woke up. Hands were touching me, straying around my body. In and out of places I hadn't even searched yet. Voices, low hums. My vision was blurry and I could barely make out shapes above me. A large tall man and a thin women. Steve and Sophiya. I closed my eyes in dizzying sickness, then opened them to find myself on a squishy surface. Karman was near my side, his fringe hanging to the side as his head tilted anxiously in my direction.
"Karman?" I sniffed.
"Fenix, I wanted to tell you. I really wanted to, but I couldn't. They'd hurt me more. I can't take anymore," He pleaded.
"My body," I groaned. He nodded knowingly.
"That's what it's like, Flix. The first time. You get used to it, though."
I felt a sickness in my stomach, it was as if a tornado were ripping up my insides, ready to pounce out my mouth.
"I know what's inside that room, Karm," I whispered. My head rolled towards him and he stared at me with sad, misty eyes.
"I really wish you didn't, Flix. I really wish you didn't."
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