Sunset

white daisies popping up over an sapphire horizon
sinking back to their origin casually with the tides
The depths rock and sway to a primal rhythm
A dance that has lasted for an eternity
and that grows stronger with each passing moon
Creatures struggle against the beat
They know nothing but hunger and life
A bright light breaks through the wispy twilight
illuminating the last moments of day
where the sky and sea are parted
Reaching towards each other but never able to touch



Note: Is this cheesy? It seems a little . . . I don't know, forced to me.

Hiya!

I like you ideas in this poem, I really do. However, there's are some things you can do to make it even better.

Your rhythm is pretty good, but could use a bit of tweaking. Read the poem out loud to your self to see where the line breaks should be put in. I'm not going to tell you where to put them: that's something you have to figure out.

If you could also do some other basic edits, the poem will be much better. For example, it's not "an sapphire." It should be "a sapphire." That's just one of the things that should be changed.

So, your imagery and ideas are quite nice, but the presentation needs to be worked on. I'd like to read more of your poems!

~Reddy

I think that it is a little forced, too. Like RedBird said, it could use a little tweaking.

Andie wrote:A dance that has lasted for an eternity
and that grows stronger with each passing moon

I like this part. It may seem a little off to some people, but I quite like it.

I would look it over again, in short.

TheWriters

Such as I have told sometimes, I am not good on reviewing poetry but I am trying my best because I want to improve my poetry skilss by the time that I review the others' poems.

First, i would add a comma

Andie wrote:white daisies popping up over an sapphire horizon,
sinking back to their origin casually with the tides
.

It would smooth my reading rhythm, feeling silently the your first words before reading the next lines.

Next, I think that if I fix here a little bit...

Andie wrote:A dance that has lasted for an eternity
growing strongly with each passing moon

I would love it, sorry I'm obsessed with the adverbs

My review is based on your last lines.
Let's to reread it, again.

Andie wrote:A bright light breaks through the wispy twilight
illuminating the last moments of day
where the sky and sea are parted
Reaching towards each other but never able to touch

Can you see it, You actually had adverbs so if you add mines, it would fits well... in my opinion.

I hope that it help, a bit almost...

Take care, keep writing.

Yeah I would have to say I like the ideas... and the writing that you put into it. I am just sure exactly what it is suppose to mean i.e. the metaphor that should be taken from it?

The last two lines was very eloquent to me. it made me think...the message in those last to lines is very deep but you made it look effortless to write. Very good!

Thank you sooooo much for your reviews, I'll be sure to edit it soon!

OK, first of all I apoligize if I put the wrong breaks in the lines on your poem. And, no, I don't thinkit was cheesy. It was nice, simple and pretty. I liked it! But, unfortunetly, I have to say some nit-picky stuff. So, hang in there! Green means I liked that part and red means it might need a little editing.

white daisies popping up over an sapphire horizon (the imagery in this is good. It sets the scene. )
sinking back to their origin (confused here. Are the daisies dying all of a sudden????)
casually with the tides
The depths rock and sway to a primal rhythm
A dance that has lasted for an eternity (this section adds to the slow, swaying, steady feel of the poem and has good vocabulary. )
and that grows stronger with each passing moon
Creatures struggle against the beat
They know nothing but hunger and life (This takes away from the feel of the poem. The words "struggle"and "hunger" amke me worried and distracted and it doesn't help the flow.)
A bright light breaks through the wispy twilight
illuminating the last moments of day (Great, but, what is this? Lighthouse? Moon? Give me more clues, please!) where the sky and sea are parted
Reaching towards each other but never able to touch (I thought the sea and sky do touch, but if you said that just for poeticness, go ahead and keep it.

OK, that's all. So, it was really good, and don't be offended by all the comments in red. I just want to help you improve! I know I like getting detailed reveiws! And by the way the slow mood of it was great and I felt like I was right there watching the tide go back and forth. Your style is nice and easy to follow. Keep writing! Bye!
-Cammie