Secret Keeper Chapter 3

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Chapter 3-Listening to Guitar Music

The Mistress raised her scepter and I closed my eyes, bracing myself for what was about to come. I felt the crystal of the scepter lightly touch my forehead. Instantly an almost overwhelming flow of memories rushed through my mind. Each one flashed through my consciousness for only a split second, but I caught and held onto each one. Finally in a whirl of color and light, the phenomenon ended, and I opened my eyes and fell to my knees. I felt disoriented and my head was fuzzy.
“Breathe, Ellie,” the Mistress instructed.
I took in a few gasps of air and my head cleared up. I had a feeling that no matter how many secrets I would accept in the future, I would never quite get used to the sensation I got afterwards.
“Are you alright, Ellie?” the Mistress asked with concern in her violet eyes. “I’m truly very sorry, dear. I feel awful for needing to impart you with so much information, especially after all that you went through today.”
“I’m just fine, Mistress,” I reassured her, getting to my feet. I felt a little bit drained of energy, but the effects of the Secret Taking had been relatively small.
“Well, why don’t you lie down once more just to be safe?”
“I’ll be okay, I promise. Besides, I’ve been sleeping almost all day; I don’t want to fall into a habit of laziness.”
She thought for a moment and then said, “As you wish.” She sat down on her throne and gestured to the crystal, ornate seat beside it. “Have a seat, dear.”
I obeyed and let out a blissful sigh; I hadn’t realized how tired my legs had been.
The Mistress snapped her fingers and a Crystallian servant rushed to her side with a silver platter of Marciano cherries. She took a few.
“Would you like some, Ellie?” she asked me.
“Yes, please!” I said enthusiastically. I loved Marciano cherries.
The servant turned to me with the tray. I wished I could take all of them, but the Mistress would not be happy with me; Marciano cherries were a rare commodity even though they grew on trees. So instead, I took a few and ate them slowly, savoring the taste.
“Tell me, Ellie,” the Mistress said idly, twirling one of the cherries by its stem. “Do you know what a guitar is?”
I thought for a minute, swallowing the food in my mouth. “No, I don’t. Why do you ask?”
“I have heard that one of the slaves plays this instrument--a guitar--very well, and I have been considering summoning him to play for us. How does that sound?”
“Wonderful!” I said happily.
The Mistress smiled and snapped her fingers again. Another Crystallian servant was by her side in an instant.
“Please bring me the slave boy with the guitar.”
The servant bowed deeply and rushed away. It wasn’t until about ten minutes later that he returned with a boy who appeared to be about two years older than me.
I almost gasped.
Strange…he looked familiar. Very, very familiar.
He had long, brown hair with just a hint of red, like mine. It fell to the base of his neck and swooped into his brown eyes. He was tall and thin. He looked worn and weary, but his eyes were alight with youth and energy. A large, strange, irregularly shaped case was in his hand.
He bowed, looking slightly nervous. “What do you need me for?”
“Is that your guitar?” the Mistress asked, gesturing to the case.
He glanced at it. “Uh…yeah. It is.”
“Wonderful!” she squealed. “Would you play us a song?”
The boy looked slightly taken aback but clearly flattered. “Um…sure! I’d be happy to.”
He set the case down on the ground, opened it, and pulled out a big, wooden instrument. The body of the guitar had sort of an hourglass shape to it and a hole in the middle. A long piece of wood extended from the body and ended in a rectangular-like shape. The guitar had six strings that ran down the long piece of wood and over the hole. He strapped the instrument over his shoulder, took out a small, triangular piece of plastic from the case, and strummed each string, one at a time, and twisted a metal thing attached the to the rectangular-like shape after he strummed each string. He finally strummed all six strings together, and a lovely sound resonated from the guitar.
He then looked up at me and appeared to be holding back a grin. I wondered why for a few seconds but then realized that I was sitting on the edge of my seat, intrigued. Slightly embarrassed, I made myself sit back.
He smiled, chuckled, and looked down at his guitar for a few seconds. Finally, he looked up again and said, “This one’s for you, Ellie.”
I was pleasantly surprised by these words and even more so when he began to play. The song filled the room, so beautiful that it was almost sad. My mind drifted off into space and filled with wonderful pictures. Stunningly gorgeous rainbows stretching over flowery meadows, the beauty of the nighttime sky, majestic, ice-capped mountains…
I opened my eyes for a few moments and saw that the boy appeared as lost in the music as I was. His eyes were closed in a peaceful way, and a small smile tugged at his lips. Even the Mistress appeared to be entranced.
I could have listened to the song forever, but it ended all too soon.
“How lovely,” the Mistress sighed.
“Amazing,” I agreed dreamily.
The boy inclined his head. “Thank you.”
“Did you write that?” I asked.
He nodded. “For…for a very special someone.” His gaze turned downcast and his expression suddenly darkened.
“That’s incredible! You have a lot of talent,” I said.
He beamed. “Thanks!”
“I think we have heard enough for one night,” the Mistress cut in a bit sharply. I was a bit taken aback, but when I looked at her, she had a smile on her face. “Thank you very much for playing that beautiful song.”
“Anytime, your Highness,” the boy said, bowing again. He put his guitar back in its case, winked at me, and left.
When I looked back at the Mistress, I was perplexed to see that she was sitting rigidly and pursing her lips.
“Um…Mistress?” I said tentatively. “Are you…?”
She turned to me and relaxed. “I’m fine, dear.”
“But…why are you--?”
“Oh, I just realized who that young man was.”
“Who was he?”
“You have nothing to worry about, Ellie. My vague memory of him does not involve you.”
“Please?” I begged. “Please tell me!”
She sighed irritably. “He wronged me in the past. It is a long story that I cannot fully recall.”
“But what do you remember?”
“Ellie, do not be a nuisance.”
These words struck me hard, and tears of shame rose to my eyes and cascaded down my face.
“Are you…are you crying?” she asked, a note of horror in her voice.
“I--Mistress, I’m so sorry…”
“No, I’m the one who should be sorry, dear. I did not intend to hurt you.”
“After all you’ve done for me,” I sobbed, “I respond with impudence!”
“No,” she whispered. “No, Ellie, that’s not true. Come here, darling.”
We both stood and she wrapped her arms around me and let me cry on her shoulder. We stood like this for a few minutes until my tears finally stopped flowing.
“There,” she said gently and raised my chin so that I was looking into her eyes. “Better?” She brushed a strand of my hair that was damp with tears out of my face.
I nodded.
“It’s been a very long day for you, Ellie, and it’s past your bedtime. Why don’t you go to sleep?”
“Can we have that boy play his guitar for us tomorrow?” I asked hopefully.
She shook her head. “I think not, child.”
I almost let out a whiny-sounding “why?” but caught myself just in time.
“Too much of a good thing is unhealthy,” the Mistress explained.
As I stumbled off to bed, I got the sneaking suspicion that she had another reason.




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Hi Kayay, it's Kaedee, here to review again.

Things I Like/Things You Did Well On:

-I'm getting to like the characters very much, especially the Mistress's character...your friend has done a very nice job with her!

-I like how your friend describes the guitar, since Ellie has apparently never seen one before.

-It was a nice touch adding the Marciano cherries part, since it reminds the reader that Earth is a separate planet from this one...am I correct? I think you hint at this in Chapter 2. And does Ellie come from Earth? Possibly?

Things I Don't Like/Things You Need to Work On:

-The plot doesn't seem to advance much again in this chapter!

-Wait a sec...didn't the Mistress already wipe Ellie's memories of the boy in the last chapter? Yes, in the last chapter, that boy 'seemed familiar', and after her memories are wiped, he still 'seems familiar'. Shouldn't there be a change in her memory? Or was the Mistress's job not effective?

-I think it would be nice if your friend was little bit more descriptive...since this obviously isn't Earth, what are Ellie's surroundings like?

Nitpicks:


kayay123 wrote:The Mistress raised her scepter and I closed my eyes, bracing myself for what was about to come.
I think it would sound better if this was made into two sentences: 'The Mistress raised her scepter. I closed my eyes, bracing myself for what was about to come.'

kayay123 wrote:Each one flashed through my consciousness for only a split second, but I caught and held onto each one.
'Each one' is repeated twice.

kayay123 wrote:She sat down on her throne and gestured to the crystal, ornate seat beside it.
I don't think the comma between 'crystal' and 'ornate' is needed.

kayay123 wrote:He set the case down on the ground, opened it, and pulled out a big, wooden instrument.
I don't think the comma between 'big' and 'wooden' is needed.

Overall, I liked this chapter...it was well written once again! But the plot doesn't seem to move a lot in these chapters. I hope I helped!

~KD
Perfect things in life aren't things.
Spoiler
*_______*




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Wonderful! You posted a third chapter. Thank you so much. Anyway, on to the fun part of this.

All-in-all, there seems to be a lot of slow moving chapters here. you may want to mash some together so that you can get to the action faster. People don't like it when you take forever to get to the action. I actually think, if you rewrote it a little, you could get it to sound good with all of the chapters (one, two, and three) all together. Then you would get through the situations with her memory a bit faster.

I agree with Kaedee on the Mistress, she is shaping up to be a very fun character. I really like the image I get of her. However, you haven't really given us a very good description yet so she's become a confused image in my mind. Maybe I missed something.

Anyway, very good story! Would you mind PMing me when you post the next chapter? I'm really enjoying this.
"'It is some time since I last heard the sound of your shears. How long have you been Eavesdropping?'

'Eavesdropping, sir? I don't follow you, begging your pardon. There ain't no eaves at Bag End and that's a fact!'"

- Sam Gamgee and Gandalf the Grey. The Fellowship of the Ring, Pg. 70.




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About the same as last chapter. Good, but it didn't really go anywhere.

:arrow: I really liked how the guitar was described.
:arrow: The green eyed boy kinda seems to have a slightly different personality each time she sees him which is kinda confusing. Try to keep it semi regular.
:arrow: I still think that it needs a little more description of the place we are in since it's not earth we still don't know how it looks.

All in all It was good but could definitely be better.
“There are many thing people have claimed can not be true and yet nearly all of them have ether been true to begin with or been made true by thous stubborn enough to ignore them.”-Scientist 666 from my 2009 NaNoWriMo novel.



"I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul."
— Pablo Neruda