Suicide, When All Goes Wrong.

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"No! Don't even touch me!" Henry looked at his wife with fury. She tried to run her hand down his face again. He slapped her, hard, although she didn't need it. Her face was cut in many places and her neck had a thick bruise where the rope had broken it. "You had every thing! Why did you do this?" around him, hell swirled and burned, "You had a marriage, a father that loved you, a son on the way!"
"The baby, he was a lie," she swallowed the lump in her throat, "I made up the baby. That girl you met from the club last summer left a message. She wanted to talk to you. I didn't let her. I hung up. Then a few weeks later," she motioned her head and hands to look like she had when shedied. Henry looked at his wife with exasperation. His first child was a lie? His dead wife was taunting him in his dreams? What had he done to deserve this? He looked at her eyes, lies she'd told swimming in them. "I... I don't even know you anymore."

Henry woke up suddenly. Icy wind breezed over his bare chest. He stared at the clock. "Two a.m?" he rubbed his eyes. With a swift motion, he swept the covers off the bed. He winced as cold air rushed over his legs. As his feet hit the floor it reminded him of the accident. The sound. Actually, he wouldn't really describe it as an accident. He went to the pale wooden dresser. "Ugh," he hadn't done any washing since it happened. "I guess I'm not going out today..." In the kitchen, dishes were overflowing the sink. Henry looked at them and almost cringed. Was he really this lazy? Was this one of the reasons? He didn't know. He set to them and finished after twenty minutes. Sitting on the couch, he grunted. He flicked the T.V. remote and nothing happened. The power bill! He rushed to the phone. The call didn't even go through. Nothing was working out. But then, as if someone said the punch line, everything turned on. It may have been a powercut. "You have two messages," the answerphone called in it's monotone voice. He walked over and pressed the red button. "Henry, this is Iris, you met me last summer at that night club."

As the music pounded Henry struggled his way through the club. Scantily clad girls frolicked around shirtless men. He felt out of place. But still, he removed his wedding ring. He didn't know how, but he recognized her immediately. Iris was waiting for him in a private dance booth. She was wearing a very short skirt, a bikini top with about a pound of make up smeared over her face. She smiled as he approached. He widened his eyes when he noticed the two other men in the booth. "Did I... uh interrupt?" he asked as the men looked at him with venom.
"No, sorry boys, times up," she winked at each. They stood up awkwardly, puling their shirts down. Iris motioned Henry into the room. He stepped forward cautiously. "Um, what did you want to talk about?" he said as she danced toward him. She didn't reply. She kept dancing emphasizing her ass and breasts. "I just needed to see you," she finally said. She laid her hand on his collar and yanked him up. He stood there awkwardly. "Ha ha! I need to get some beer in you," she giggled, "When you were here last you tore that shit up,"
"Really...? I don't remember. I-" he was cut off as she kissed him square on the mouth. He didn't resist, but he didn't like it either. As she kissed him longer, the more articles of clothes she removed from him. He still let her.
Last edited by whatevr on Tue Feb 23, 2010 8:18 am, edited 5 times in total.
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Hi, PenNPaper here to review!
He slapped her, hard. Although she didn't need it

You can do away with the period here.
rope had broken he neck.

Just a typo, in case you didn't notice. 'he' should be 'her'.
" You had

There shouldn't be a space after the open inverted commas.
bed. he

A capital letter after a period.
accident. he

Same here.
couch,he

A space after a comma.
answerphone

I'm not sure if I'm correct, but I think 'answerphone' should be broken down into two words.

Okay this story was short, but quite well written. Please remember your punctuation though. The first paragraph left quite an impact. Who is Iris anyway? You suddenly mention her at the last part, not explaining who she is and how she is related to Henry, and you ended the story there. It seems to be a very abrupt stop.

Good luck and keep writing, bye for now!
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Biffle1 wrote:Although she didn't need it.


Why would she need to be slapped?

Biffle1 wrote:Haround him, hell swirled and burned


Not really getting this. It seems too epic for the circumstances.

Biffle1 wrote:
"The baby, she was a lie," she swallowed the lump in her throat, "I... I felt you slipping away, so I made up the baby,"


This is sounding a little too much like Glee...
Biffle1 wrote:Icy wind breezed over his bare chest.


Breezed?

Biffle1 wrote:With a swipe of his hands he swept the covers off the bed.


Try only using "swipe/swept" once.

Biffle1 wrote:Was this one of the reasons?


One of the reasons for what?

Biffle1 wrote:"Henry, this is Iris, you met me last summer at that night club.


What does Iris have to do with anything?

This isn't really a complete section. Try writing more to this story, so that it feels like a complete scene, not just a paragraph. Right now it's too short to really review.

All I can say is that for your age, you appear to have a good grasp on writing. Try writing a longer version of this scene and re post so other people can actually give a full review.
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Naphthys this is part pne, if you want to know whats going on, read the others. Anyway, i shall fix them asap
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i liked it the end just leaves you begging for more




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Very good! Although I do agree with the first reviews, if it's sort of a 1st draft-type thing, then I'll allow it to pass. My only advice? Make it longer. I'm dying to know what happens next. :o So... Keep writing, and good job.
And the angel said unto him, “stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself.” But lo, he could not stop, for the angel was hitting him with his own hands.



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