An Accidental Patriot

My excuse is the booze. It makes things hazy, unclear, and judgment free. It’s a root of many sins, from adultery to crime, but the sin that this booze gave me was patriotic pride, a sin that came from a rare concoction of alcohol during Olympic time.

I hazed myself while in the bar, and the hockey game was on. Our team wasn’t doing half bad, I’d say. For a good amount of time, they could maintain a tie of 2-2, but in a US-Canada match, it was a miraculous game.

Just picture two titans facing off in a stadium, but with hundreds of thousands, maybe millions watching. A sober man would respectfully cheer, but in the drunken haze, emotions run free.

Chairs would fly whenever we lost, and shirts would fly whenever we won. At the end, we’d only know if they’d won if we woke up nude in the bar, and we’d know if they’d lost if we were in hospital beds.

You call me a fool for blindly and drunkenly cheering? Well what sort of cheering do you try? Have I no right to the boundaries of sobriety being broken by the booze and the pride? I use the booze to break through those fake rules, and show how much I care for our team.

You can be sober if you desire, but you’re blocking yourself from your true pride. An accidental patriot’s better than a man of suppressed pride. I’m shirtless and hung over on the floor of a bar, but it means I have pride, and it helps me to sleep knowing my mind can’t always block my beliefs.

Hi Howler!

This is a good post. I like the idea, but it's a little too short for me.
Let me get nitpick, now.

Description: I have to say, it almost gave me no sense of the crowd. This is precisely why you should lengthen it. It is a very good idea especially the 'sin of patriotic pride.'

Flow: You could work a little on this. You should show how the character moves from one scene to another.

Character: The tiny glimpse that you gave us is good. It shows that your MC has something.

It's a good work. But bottom line is: you should elongate it.
Keep writing,
Cheers.
~Lava

Hey! : )
I'm just gonna pick this apart for you, cause I have nothing better to do.

It’s a root of many sins, from adultery to crime,

You can't pair those two words together.. Adultery and crime, I mean. Adultery is very specific, whereas crime is vague. Use murder or theft instead.

but the sin that this booze gave me was patriotic pride

Since when is patriotic pride a sin??

a rare concoction of alcohol during Olympic time.

Alright, unless your talking about mixing drinks together that people don't usually mix, then alcohol in general is not a rare concoction. Also, I'd rephrase this and say "the Olympics" instead of "Olympic time," which just sounds femmie to me.

I hazed myself while in the bar, and the hockey game was on.

I don't know where you come from.. But where I live, hazing means to like bully someone. You can't really bully yourself, aye? I don't really know what you're trying to say here. Say this in a prettier way: "I got drunk in the bar while watching the hockey game."

Our team wasn’t doing half bad, I’d say

Excellent voice, but who is your team?? I dunno if your AMERICAN or canadian..

For a good amount of time, they could maintain a tie of 2-2, but in a US-Canada match, it was a miraculous game.

This sentence is really funky. I'd rephrase it, saying something similar to: They were maintaining a tie of 2-2 which, for a US-Canada match, was a miraculous game.

Just picture two titans facing off in a stadium, but with hundreds of thousands, maybe millions watching. A sober man would respectfully cheer, but in the drunken haze, emotions run free.

Please note that this is the third time you've used some form of the word "haze." You should only use it once in a small piece like this. I don't even think that "hazy" is the best word to describe being drunk. I feel more hazy when I'm high than when I'm drunk, but whatever.

Also, I've never been to a hockey match, but I'm pretty sure that they are pretty routy, regardless of whether or not alcohol is involved.

Chairs would fly whenever we lost, and shirts would fly whenever we won. At the end, we’d only know if they’d won if we woke up nude in the bar, and we’d know if they’d lost if we were in hospital beds.

You are having some issues with verb tense here. You start off in present tense, then skip to past, and now I don't even know what tense this is. Also, since this is a reflection on a game, wouldn't you know if you won or not regardless of whether you were in the hospital or not? It just seems weird to me.

I use the booze to break through those fake rules, and to show how much I care for our team.

That comma is not needed.

my mind can’t always block my beliefs.

I know you did not want to find a deeper meaning in this, but this makes me think of how stupid some teenagers are. They think they need to drink to have fun... But its BS... I know for a fact I have just as much fun when I'm sober, and I get into less trouble. **Last weekend there were four cars that crashed in my friends driveway. This is why to not drive while drunk. Ha, good times.

Yeah, nice work.
Cheers,
Lena

Lena.Wooldridge wrote:Since when is patriotic pride a sin??

Look it up; pride is actually one of the seven deadly sins, be it of yourself or of other's acheivments (such as Olympic viewers taking pride in their country's team's accomplishments and victories, or a mother taking pride in her child's accomplishments).

Have a lucky day!