Gone without me

I saw them staring right at you the other day.
Feeling so naked, I watched you look away.

Don't believe what they say.
I will love you anyway.
I need you now more than ever.
We will always be together.
Promise me, don't break my heart.
We will never be apart.
Can't you see? all you need,
is beating here inside of me.

What can I say? It's me and you.
Can't destroy what is true.
They tried to tell us that we're wrong.
Together we are always strong.

They caught you walking home alone,
they came for you with sticks and stones.
I heard you screaming and crying.
I come running to
find you bleeding and dying.

Gone without me.

This is about losing someone you love dearly and is also about my fear of loss.

Please review and tell me what you think!

Okay, let's try this again. No, I didn't accidentally click a link just when I finished the review.

*deep breath*

Hey, Gsp here as requested!

I really liked this poem. It nearly had me in tears. Probably because I have a character in a position very similar to this, and I get really attached to my characters.

I noticed only one minor problem.

What can I say? Its me and you.

Put an apostrophe in "Its", so it looks like this:

What can I say? It's me and you.

And then this line right here.

I heard you screaming and crying.
I come running to
find you bleeding and dying.

Gone without me.

This part was what nearly got me into tears.

All-in-all, great poem. Also, feel free to ask me for reviews. I'm normally more than willing.

Happy YWSing!

~Gsp

Hi Matt, here as asked.

My first suggestion would be to let the reader figure out what message you've left for them in this poem. The idea is not buried at all, it in fact sits at the surface and I'd be surprised if people didn't get the message. So remember to assume that your readers have some level of IQ.

Secondly, in relation to the first suggestion. You probably want to bury that idea you have a little more, under metaphors and similes and a bit of a more extended vocabulary. That way the reader has to dig a little. Poetry is about creating a story by relating it too tangible surfaces, feelings and images in an almost musical way so that all of the senses of the reader are effected.

Lastly, you have potential, you might want to work on your flow a little bit more so that ideas and words are linked and transition smoothly into one another.

Keep working at it, and contact me anytime if you need a review or have questions.

Kamas

Thankyou!! I'm so happy that you felt that way. I can totally empathise with you. Thankyou for reviewing my work!

Thank you Kammas.

Duly noted. Sorry I just always try to comment on where the poem came from and what inspired me. But thanks anyway. I'm really grateful!

Ah, Matt, simply your name bring tears to my eyes!

This poem was amazing, though I think part of the last stanza seemed kind of forced. I didn't read as well as the previous ones. Other than that, this was a very sad poem, even a bit depressing. But still very good.
I agree, telling the readers the meaning of your poem was not a very good choice. The reader should have to figure out the mean all their own, that's half the fun of actually reading the poem itself.
This was very well written, kudos to you my friend. Well, 'tis all I suppose.

Big kiss, review dismissed!
Snufalupaumpkins! x)

Thankyou. I will go over that last stanza. I'm so happy you liked it! Thanks snufalumpapaumpkins lol