Tears of Fire: CH 2 part 1

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2. War In The Field

Stacey happily welcomed the lions approach, wishing it would get to her quicker. Before she could even blink the lion charged forward and was at her side. It stood next to her, its golden fur brushing against her coat. Its presence was as gentle and unthreatening as a lamb. Stacey felt so unworthy standing next to the lion. The lion turned its head to the side and looked at her. The corners of its mouth rose up to its whiskers. There was no question about it the lion was smiling at her!

There was so much warmth and kindness behind that smile that Stacey could literally feel hope radiating within her. A feeling she hadn't felt in years. What kind of dream is this? Stacey was starting to doubt it was a dream. It seemed all too real. A light so bright all Stacey could see was pure white flashed from where the lion stood, and yet, her retinas felt no pain.

When the light faded she was disappointed to see that the lion had left. Stacey looked around hoping to spot him. No such luck, but still, she sensed that he was somewhere near by. It was as if he never left.

The gazelle and bird were still in the clearing. Silvery white objects were in neat piles around them. They were blurry to her because they were beyond her 220/20 far sight vision range. But she could still see that they were the same color as the equally hazy flowers.
****************************

The lion had led Eitan to the rosebush at the center of the field. The gazelle and bird stared at him with their beady black eyes. As Eitan looked at them, he saw more than his own reflection. In them he could faintly see the old city of Jerusalem.

A voice from above suddenly boomed like thunder, "This first must come to pass!" The voice was so powerful that the water itself seemed to hear it as it frothed. The trees were also shaking from their roots. Animal yelps, roars, chirps, and the gurgles of water creatures, tore at his ears. It sounded like frightened crowd jeers.

The animals on the eastern and western side of the ring were galloping, crawling, and hopping out of the way of other animals that were charging toward the clearing. A humongous dragon spread its wings and flew to the other side of the field. The first animal out of the masses was a ferocious bear, snarling like a rabid dog. It was accompanied from all sides by other equally frenzied looking animals.

The gazelle and bird were just standing there. "Run! Fly away!" Eitan shouted, waving his hands in the air. They didn't move a muscle. The bear, a snarling wolf, and other animals were rushing toward the defenseless herbivores.

Eitan shut his eyes as they neared. He bent into a ball and cowered on the ground. He didn't notice that it had become as dark as night.
****************************

Daniel covered his eyes with his clammy hands. He did not want to witness the killing of the gazelle and bird. Thunder rumbled. The temperature had become a mixture of teeth-chattering cold and scorching Death Valley heat. Daniel didn't know whether to feel cold or hot. He heard something like rocks plopping hard on the waters surface, and what was that orange glow?

Daniels nose wrinkled when the smell of fireworks entered his nostrils. He opened the fingers covering his eyes an inch. Through the tiny slit Daniel saw a torrent of fire and ice fall from the darkened heavens. Green and black clouds swirled in the sky. Surges of purple lights exploded in the clouds, lighting them up like Christmas lights.

Daniels arms slumped uselessly at his sides. Bullets of hail were hammering the animals with such ferocity that they were being pinned down. He yelped when a clap of thunder echoed throughout the field and beyond the trees. The ground around the expanse of water rumbled. The trees shook from their core. The water below him trembled and waves turned its once delicate surface.

"What in the Green Earth!?" Daniel exclaimed. Every animal was stumbling around as if about to fall. Daniels legs wobbled and he almost pitched backward. The mountains beyond the trees were launched into the air by the tremendous earthquake. Their cliffs crumbled and massive rock avalanches flowed down the sides.

A wolf howled. Its pained howl was as excruciating to listen to as a lost child's cry for his mother. The bear was roaring in rage. It snapped and swiped its mighty paws at the falling hail and fire. Ice had collected in clumps around its head and hide. The fire singed and burnt out when it made contact with the bear’s fur. It shook like a wet dog, spraying ice everywhere. Cold pieces of ice splattered Daniels face. It was so cold his face was still numb with cold after he brushed off the sleet.

A leopard and deer were on lying on their sides on the water. Their chests heaved rapidly in and out. Then all the animals dropped down, except the bear which was fighting the supernatural storm with all its will. It tread toward the gazelle and bird, which were impervious to the downpour. When it was only a few inches from the two the storm pounded the predator with such might it was painful to watch. The bear went limp and slammed down on its stomach. The animals were immobile. Their bodies continued to be pelted by the brutal downpour of fire and ice.
Last edited by AspiringAuthorA..M. on Thu May 20, 2010 2:47 am, edited 2 times in total.
"Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
-John 11:25-26




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So, what is your input? :P
"Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
-John 11:25-26




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I am interested! I like how you tell the story from different points of view. That is one of my favorite things. I absolutely love all the descriptions of the scene and the animals and everything. It makes it easy to imagine! That is one thing I look for as a reader.Good description, otherwise it is kinda frustrating when you can't visualize what's going on. Unfortunately I can't offer any grammar help or anything like that because I am currently failing in the grammar area of literature. All I can do is say well done with all your description and please write more!
Sometimes you've just got to accept the way things are and move on, but not us...




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Thank you. :D

It always makes me feel good to hear words of encouragement. :wink:
"Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
-John 11:25-26




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Heyhey, here I am!

First off, you can't give me a link for a story without giving me the link to the beginning of it. I'll have to find chapter one somewhere and hopefully that'll clear some stuff up.

Since I don't really know what's going on with the whole storyline, I'm just going to focus more on the "nuts and bolts." So if something I point out is part of the story that I don't know, just ignore me. :smt003


Review
Stacey happily welcomed the lions approach. Only wishing it would get to her quicker. This should probably be one sentence, separated only by a comma. The second part is too fragmented. If you don't read the first line, and just the second, it makes no sense and doesn't sound right. Before she could even blink the lion charged forward and was at her side. It stood next to her, it's golden fur brushing against her coat. Its presence was as gentle and unthreatening as a lamb. Stacey felt so unworthy standing next to the lion. The lion turned its head to the side and looked at her. The corners of its mouth rose up to its whiskers. There was no question about; it the lion was smiling at her!
There was so much warmth and kindness behind that smile that Stacey could literally feel hope radiating within her. A feeling she hadn't felt in years. What kind of dream is this? Since this seems to be a direct thought of Stacey's, it should be italicized. Stacey was starting to doubt it was a dream. It seemed all too real. A light so bright all Stacey could see was pure white flashed from where the lion stood, and yet, her retinas felt no pain.
When the light faded she was disappointed to see that the lion had left. Stacey looked around hoping to spot him. No such luck, but still, she sensed that he was somewhere near by. It was as if he never left.
The gazelle and bird were still in the clearing. Silvery white objects were in neat piles around them. They were blurry to her because they were beyond her 220/20 far sight vision range. But she could still see that they were the same color as the equally hazy flowers.
******************************
The lion had lead led Eitan to the rosebush at the center of the field. The gazelle and bird looked at him with their beady black eyes. Looking at them he saw more than his own reflection. In them he could see the old city of Jerusalem faintly within them.
A voice from above suddenly boomed like thunder, "This first must come to pass!" The voice was so powerful that the water itself seemed to hear it. It shook with the voice. The trees were also shaking from their roots. Animal yelps, roars, chirps, and the gurgles of fishes fish combined to form something like frightened crowd jeers.
The animals on the east and western I'm no great shakes with this, but if you say one's western, shouldn't the other be eastern? side of the ring were galloping, crawling, and hopping out of the way of other animals that were charging toward the clearing. A humongous dragon spread its wings and flew to the other side of the clearing. It wasn't the Chinese dragon which was wingless. I think you should combine this information; it seems rather irrelevant to be devoting a sentence to explain that it's not a Chinese dragon; just my thoughts, though. I don't know if there's more significance to this dragon. The first animal out of the masses was a ferocious bear snarling like a rabid dog. It was accompanied from all sides by other equally frenzied looking animals.
The gazelle and bird were just standing there. "Run! Fly away!" Eitan shouted waving his hands in the air. They didn't move a muscle. The bear and a snarling wolf were rushing toward the defenseless herbivores. Eitan shut his eyes as they neared. He bent into a ball and cowered on the ground. He didn't notice that it had become as dark as night.
***************************
Daniel covered his eyes with his hands. He did not want to witness the killing of the gazelle and bird, you're missing as word like "as" or something. thunder rumbled. The temperature had turned to a mixture of teeth-chattering cold and scorching Death Valley heat. Daniel didn't know whether to feel cold or hot. He heard something like rocks plopping hard on the waters surface, and what was that orange glow?
Daniels nose wrinkled when the smell of fireworks entered his nostrils. He opened the fingers covering his eyes. Through the tiny slit Daniel saw a torrent of fire and ice fall from the darkened heavens. Green and black clouds swirled in the sky. Surges of purple lights exploded in the clouds, lighting them up like Christmas lights. Good descriptions here; I love the image! :D
Daniels arms slumped uselessly at his sides. Hail and ice was were hammering the animals with such ferocity that they were pined pinned down on the waters surface. He yelped when a clap of thunder echoed throughout the field and beyond the trees. The ground around the expanse of water rumbled. The trees shook from their core. The water below him trembled and waves turned its delicate surface.
"Oh, damn!" Daniel exclaimed. Every animal was stumbling around as if about to fall. Daniels legs wobbled and he almost pitched backward. The mountains beyond the trees were launched into the air by the tremendous earthquake and thrown into the air. <- stuck out to me as being too repetitious. Their cliffs crumbled and massive rock avalanches flowed down the sides. If an earthquake like that was measured in the real world it would be over the scale many times over. <- again, repetitive here.
A wolf howled. Its pained howl was as excruciating to listen to as a lost child's cry for his mother. The bear was roaring in rage. It snapped and swiped its mighty paws at the falling hail and fire. Ice had collected in clumps around its head and hide. The fire singed and burnt out when it made contact with the bear’s fur. <- I love these two lines! So descriptive and cool. (Yes, pun intended. ;) ) It shook like a wet dog, spraying ice everywhere. Cold pieces of ice splattered Daniels face. It was so cold his face was still numb with cold after he brushed off the sleet.
A leopard and deer were on lying on their sides on the water. Their chests heaved rapidly in and out. Then all the animals dropped down, except the bear which was fighting the supernatural storm with all its will treading toward the gazelle and bird which were impervious to the downpour. Eh, this got a bit lengthy for me. I think you could make it into two sentences and be just fine. When it was only a few inches from the two the storm pounded the predator with such might it was painful to watch. The bear went limp and slammed down on its stomach. The animals were immobile. Their bodies continued to be pelted by the brutal downpour of fire and ice.

End review

Okay, there you are! I'm going to have to go back and find the first chapter, but I have to say you've made a very interesting setting here; I'm curious as to the significance of the gazelle and the bird. Very good descriptions, I was able to picture it all clearly. :D
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




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Thank you kindly Ranger Hawk. :D I'll be sure and get to making those corrections soon.

*I went ahead and fixed a number of the issues you pointed out. Will do the rest when I am more alert* :wink:
"Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
-John 11:25-26




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I love the title, I can't remember what the exact word for it is, but the contrast between tears and fire makes it interesting.

The beginning hooked me right away, great way to start a chapter.

Then I carried on reading and it got a little confusing, and suddenly the scene switched to a different character, then to another... It all needs to slow down, a lot. Take a few moments to throw in a bit about what your characters look like at that moment, are they tense or exhausted, what are their surroundings like, how fast is their heart beating?

Your style of writing is nice to read, and I like the scenarios, but the speed of which you're going through and switching characters and scenes makes it hard to really get into the story.

Hope this helps. Keep it up :)
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Well, I guess I'm glad that I can make things fast paced. :P

Usually I just hear that I drag on and on with my descriptions and that I take ages to get anywhere. :wink:

Will see how I can slow things down. :smt024
"Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
-John 11:25-26



Nothing is impossible, for the word itself says, 'I'm possible!'
— Audrey Hepburn