For a Reason

The night was so perfect- my toes were tingling in such happiness. Never had someone been so nice to me, never had someone been so sweet.

He cut off the car engine, stepped out, and then walked around to open my car door. He looked at me, smiling.

“What?” I asked, self- conscious as I stepped out of the shot gun seat. “Why do you keep looking at me like that?”

He shook his head and looked down. “Nothing, it’s just… you look so beautiful tonight.” His layered dark chocolaty brown hair shook with his head, and then bounced a little.

I blushed a deep crimson red. I hated blushing, more than anything. But… tonight, it was okay. Maybe my blushes would turn my best- dude- friend into my boyfriend. I could only hope. I pulled the hem of my red silky top down in nervousness, and we walked up the outdoor stairs of my apartment in silence.

“You’re quiet,” he noted. I nodded and turned to him. He was about six inches taller than I, but it didn’t matter to me. John was so sweet and would never take advantage of me or anything weird and creepy like that, even if he was two years older as well. He put his hand under my chin and lifted it. “I like your voice,” he whispered gently.

“I’m nervous,” I replied just as quietly. We had reached my door, and oh how I hated that. I wanted it to last longer, this little bubble of happiness I was floating along in. “So, um, bye,” I said awkwardly. He pulled me into a hug, and kissed the top of my head.

“Bye, Suzan,” he replied. “I’ll call you,” he added, walking down the steps slowly and backwards as I unlocked my door. He blew a kiss just as I walked into my tiny little house-let.

I shut the door, and then leaned against it, squealing in delight. The most perfect date ever, hands down, and with an even more perfect guy. He was so kind, and so adoring… the movie and then the diner he had suggested were so wonderful.

I slid the deadbolt to locked and walked deeper into my space. I collapsed onto my bed after kicking off my shoe and pulling a sweater off the ground and around my body. One of the reasons I had not invited him in was that the heater was broken in the entire building, so I always tried to wear as many layers as possible. Sweaters and blankets were not nearly as pretty as a cute top and artfully faded jeans. After a moment lying in my bed, I went to my bathroom’s mirror to go and be critical of myself.

My hair was dyed a dark brown so that my ugly mix of blonde and brunette would never have to be seen again. My hair had frizzed a bit, but besides that it still looked okay, simply straightened and falling just past my shoulders. I hated my body- just a few pounds from being a nice kind of skinny, just a few pounds that refused to go away. My faded jeans looked nice on my long legs, though.

I changed into my pajamas and then curled up on my bed. I couldn’t wait to see John the next day, as a circle of our friends were all going to the movies and then

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“Are you serious?” I asked, almost mad at him. Even though it wasn’t his fault, I still could get loud and get pissed. “That is so not fair! You just came back! And you’re only twenty- three, shouldn’t they make you be older?”

“Suzan, calm down,” he said soothingly. “It’s not too bad- just a few short months and then I’ll be right back here. I promise.” He looked into my eyes, pleading for me to understand.

“But… what if you get hurt?”

He smiled reassuringly. “I won’t get hurt. Don’t you know that after a year of us dating? I move too fast for anyone to catch me.”

“Okay… when do you leave, then?”

“I’m shipping out to Iraq in about a month.”

My eyes filled with tears when I heard this. What if this was my last month with John?

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“How can you say that?"

I looked at him in the face, trying so hard not to blink. "Everything happens for a reason, John. Believe me, something goo-"

"-Don't even try to say that something good can come from losing my leg." John cut me off, rolling his eyes. "What do you suggest this good thing is, Suzan?"

"I don't know, John. Only God knows what good will come of this." I sat on the couch, turned towards him. He had just returned from his final tour of duty, just… missing one leg. We had spent a night crying, and now I was trying to see things logically.

"God?" He scoffed. "What does he have to do with any of this?"

I smiled at him, a faint smile. "You'll see, John.”
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I honked the car horn in annoyance. The cars were taking forever, and right now I was sort of stuck still in the intersection, even though the light had recently turned red.

"Lighten up, Suzan," John whispered from the passenger seat. "Don't worry about the traffic."

"But," I whined, "It's dangerous to be still in the street." I turned to look at him. I reached out and ruffled his gorgeous brown hair. "Did I tell you today that I love you?"

He laughed softly. "Yes, when we woke up, and when we got into that car to drive to lunch." He got quiet suddenly and looked really nervous. "Um, Suzan, there's something I wanted to ask you-"

"Yeah, John," I said nonchalantly. I knew what he was about to ask, no, tell me. Last week he had constantly been on the phone, talking in a hushed voice and stopping once I walked in. He was… he was breaking up with me. It made sense, I thought, we were so different and yet, I felt a connection to him like I’d never felt before. I had always thought that opposites attract; I guessed that he’d changed his mind. I pasted a smile on my face and waited for him to say it.

He pulled a little green velvet box out of his jacket's inside pocket. With my ideas so off- the- mark, my heart skipped a beat. He opened the box to reveal a silver ring, set with one small diamond. "Will you marry me? I was going to ask you at the restaurant, but-"

"I will, I will!!" I cried, and then reached out to hug him. I closed my eyes, just breathing in his scent for a moment. He smelled like the peppermint gum he perpetually chewed, as well as some regular soap. Who would know that the two aromas would go so well together?

I open my eyes and looked up, when my breath caught in my throat. An eighteen- wheeler was hurdling down the highway without a hint of trying to stop.

"John!" I yelled, but then the truck was closer than ever. I was glad, at least, that I was in John’s arms; I felt safe, much happier than any seatbelt could make me. I squeezed my eyes shut, wishing it away and at the same time bracing for the crash.

The impact sucked. I was wrenched apart from John and his safe embrace, and then my head smacked against the driver's side window. I blacked out, unaware of everything.

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I awoke to a blaring and bright light shining in my face. A woman with short cropped blonde hair and pink scrubs leaner over me. As I blinked awake, she looked down and smiled.

"You're up, at last. How do you feel? The doctor will be in with us in just a moment. Oh, I'm talking too much, aren't I?" She patted my forehead. "My name is Shelly. We found an I.D. on you that said your name was Suzanna Harper. Is that right?"

I nodded. "Hey Shelly can I get a refresher on why I’m here? It’s… kind of fuzzy.”

Her smile stayed bright and shiny, coated in far too much lipstick. “Um, paramedics found you in a green Ford that had been totally been wrecked in a hit- and- run eighteen wheeler.”

"Oh yeah, I remember now," I replied tiredly, but something was pulling at my memory. Something I was forgetting to say. "Can I go back t sleep now?" I asked, when suddenly I realized what I was forgetting.

"Oh my God, John," I yelled. Shelly seemed taken aback at my outburst. "Is John okay? Is he hurt? He's the other one in the car!"

"Uh, I'll go find out. My shift just started a few minutes ago, so I don't know much about current cases yet.”

She left quickly, and I tried to calm myself as well as play back the car ride with John. He had suggested lunch at the new Italian place, and then we had gotten stuck with our entire car jutting out in the highway. Then he had proposed.

What had happened to the ring? Was it in the wreckage, or did he still have it?

Shelly walked back in, cutting in to my thoughts. She was accompanied by a man in a long white lab coat. Oh shit, I thought. A grief counselor.

"Good news, Suzanna, he's not too badly hurt. I'm going to go and check on some other patients while Doctor Wright explains a few things," Shelly gushed. I nodded, and then directed my entire attention to the doctor. He had a bald spot on his head, his hair and good full beard a snowy white. He smiled at me, and I took that as good.

"Good news is, he'll be out of here probably at the same time you are. Your left leg is broken and your right wrist is fractured. We picked out the glass in your left arm from the windshield, but besides that you are fine. Tell us if you feel dizzy or anything, and we will run some more tests."

"And John," I added to keep him on track and lead him in the right direction.

“A piece of metal pierced the door and sliced his prosthetic leg in two. Gee, are you lucky that he has that fake leg. Without it, he would have cut the superficial femoral artery and could have bled out. Besides that, He has two cracked ribs, and also had glass in his arm. However, he is awake, just as you are."

"He's my boyf-" I paused, then thought dreamily, oh, and then continued, "John is my fiancé."

Dr. Wright smiled.

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"I told you, didn't I?" I asked, smug. "It was all for a reason."

He rolled his eyes, and then relaxed back onto the couch. The week since getting out of the hospital had flown by. We had convinced our friends to pack up all our stuff while we were still stuck at the hospital and then once we got out, we just had to find a little apartment to move the boxes into. Our new place was small, but cozy. A worker had been able to find the ring, so everything had turned out… perfect. No, more than perfect.

"Stop rubbing it in my face,” he grumbled.

Hello, Emi! Loveless here!

Well, you have a minor capatilazation issue. You sometimes used caps in the middle of the sentence, forgot to put caps on proper nouns, and at the beginning of sentences. I don't think it was for lack of knowledge, but just a simple mistake.
It went rather fast actually, I think you just need to pace this a bit. The car crash happened a bit sudden, and I feel it was forced surprise. Your characters need to be devolped a tad bit more. Their emotions, thoughts, feelings, that type of stuff. Just a bit of editing would be very benificial to your story. Please message me when-or if- you choose to edit and improve this. I'll be delighted to review it again!

Big kiss, review dismissed!
Snufalupaumpkins! x)

Great storyline but i agree with Loveless. It went to fast!!

Hey there!

I disagree with the two above me. I don't think it was too fast. However, like Loveless, I think you have a minor grammar problem. These things can be fixed, though, so not to worry.

I liked the "everything happens for a reason" theme. It was cute, the way you did it. The proposal was expected, though. I would suggest her thinking that he was going to break up with her, then hesitating when he proposed. It would make her emotions go crazy when she woke up.

Hope I helped. PM me if you have questions.

-youreit

Woo, this is better! More developed, paced a bit more evenly, and your characters are profiled well. Though I had to take three breaks when reading this it was worth it. In the beginning you seem to rebel against puncutation marks-quotations, apostrophes, etc.- and what is a house-let? Oh, that's another thing, when using these: -, there is no need to put a space afterwards. Example, house- let would be house-let. Sixty- seven would be sixty-seven. Get it?
I don't think saying the impact sucked is effective enough. Stubbing your toe sucks. Bitting your tounge sucks. Failing a test sucks. Car crashes should not be described as suck-ish. I think you need a better word for that.
Well, that's all. This was a far better version of the orignal, just read through it and correct those minor mistakes.

Big kiss, review dismissed!
Snufalupaumpkins! x)

Hello there. Here's a review as requested. :D

The first thing I noticed is that your grammar is a bit off. Some sentences have extra words, some have missing, some have improperly used ones, and others are confusing. I suggest you go back through and read this story aloud; if you trip over something, then it's usually something that could be improved or needs to be fixed. For example:

“What?” I asked, self-conscious as I stepped out of the shot gun seat.

Say "shot gun seat" out loud. Doesn't it sound strange? Also, there should be no space after the hyphen in hyphenated words. This is a mistake you repeat throughout the story.

I couldn’t wait to see John the next day, as a circle of our friends were all going to the movies and then

Where's the rest of this sentence?

An eighteen-wheeler was hurdling down the highway without a hint of trying to stop.

To "hurdle" is to jump over or overcome something. The word you want is "hurtle" which means to move with great speed.

Your pacing was a bit irregular, which is probably why a couple of your other reviewers felt like it moved too fast. Basically, you have action with very little description, a description dump where there is little action, and back to action with little description. Having some overly long and/or awkwardly phrased sentences doesn't help, either. I suggest going back through and balancing the action and description. You did a pretty good job with the opening scene, especially the part where you mention Suzan pulling down her top. Try maintaining that balance throughout the rest of the story, and it should read more smoothly.

Be careful, though. I noticed that you tend to stack (use a bunch all at once) adjectives; this isn't good because it makes sentences more difficult to read and understand, and also because it's a pretty lazy way to describe things. For example:

His layered dark chocolaty brown hair shook with his head, and then bounced a little.

How is his hair layered? How dark is "chocolaty brown"? When is his hair bouncing, and in what direction?

There's no need to answer all of these questions, but a few clear and precise details are much better than a bunch of stacked adjectives when it comes to giving your readers a sense of what the setting is or characters look like. A good rule of thumb for details is to ask yourself "Is this detail really important? Does the reader have to know it?" If the answer is no, it's generally a good idea not to include it.

Taking examples from your story, do we really need to know what Suzan looks like, aside from knowing that she wore something to make her look nice that one night or that John finds her beautiful? No, so her looking into a mirror just so you could describe her was unnecessary to the story and came across as an description infodump. Do we need to know that John has lost a leg and has a prosthetic? Yes, so including that detail and mentioning it prominently is important.

Overall though, this is a good start, and this story has definite potential. Basically, what you need is practice writing, and the only way to practice writing is to write, so you're right on track. :D

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me again.

Hey, this is just a quickie, I don't have much time.

First off, I found some of the dialogue to be very cheesy. Like these ones especially:

Gee, are you lucky that he has that fake leg. Without it, he would have cut an important artery and could have bled out. Besides that, He has two cracked ribs, and also had glass in his arm. He is recovering and is awake. Just a little curious, how do you know him?

In real life, a doctor wouldn't ask how two patients new eachother. And they wouldn't just say "an important artery." This is highly unrealistic.

"-Don't even try to say that something good can come from losing my leg."

Alright, I can't imagine someone actually saying this, either. He might say "...can come from this." I know you want to reveal what has happened with dialogue, but this is a big thing. You can't just use a bit of dialogue to talk about it.

Throughout your story, you use dialogue to give everything away. You should use more description instead. You are almost writing it like a movie, or a script or something. Which is not good.



I also agree that the story went by too fast. And, the idea that they got into a crash right after he proposed to her is also really cheesy. Towards the beginning, he says "oh, i'm just being deported for a couple short months"... aren't people usually deported for like two years? I have two friends in Iraq and one in Afghanistan.. they've all been there for over a year. The whole thing just seems too coincidental. Who could convince their friends to move out the stuff for them? How would a worker find the ring? Its all sketchy. Oh, and I'd change John's name. Because of the "Dear John" movie thats coming out (the one about the girl who's boyfriend is in the army)

But I really like your idea of the "everything happens for a reason" deal. Reminds me of the sixth sense (which, for the record, is a kick*ss movie, WATCH IT)

Nice work. Look to see more in the future. PM for questions/comments
Cheers,
Lena

EDIT: I really dislike your title. To be honest, it didn't draw me to this piece at all. I'd suggest finding a better one.