The Prophecy from my NaNo novel

Okay so this is the prophecy from my last year's NaNoWriMo novel. I really don't like it. The flow is bad, the rhyming is forced, and the ending is weird. Please if you can tell me how I can make it better!
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In 83 years shall be the day,
That all of this will burn away.

Upon the ground the bodies lay,
Both young and old shall soon decay.

The earth is now a barren wasteland,
But one young girl may take a stand.

But this young girl will face a dilemma,
For this young girl’s name is Emma.

And she must chose what part to play,
To stay and help or fly away.

For if she stays she will surely die,
But she will live if she’ll fly.

Though many foes she’ll have to face,
One friend may help her keep her pace.

hippie_vampire wrote:In 83 years shall be the day,
That all of this will burn away.

ApronUpon the ground the bodies lay,
Both young and old shall soon decay.

The earth is now a barren wasteland, one too many Syllables here. I'd replace 'barren' with a one-syllable adjective, such as 'cold' or 'dry'
But one young girl may 'must' take a stand.

But Make sure not to start too many lines with 'but!' it gets repetitive. this young girlI know you may want to emphasize her youth, but any other synonym for 'girl' (even saying 'she') will do. will face a dilemma,
For this young girl’s name is Emma. Here, it sounds like she will face the dilemma because her name is Emma. I would tell her name first in this stanza, and change it to something like, 'She goes by the fair name of Emma' then 'and will soon find herself in a dilemma'

And if you go with my previous suggestions, change 'and' to 'as' or 'for' she must chose what part to play,
To stay and help, or fly away.

For if she stays she will surlysurely die,
But she will live if she’ll fly. Give an ultimatum, and express the consequences of her choice to 'fly'. I'd make each choice a separate two-line stanza, the first saying 'if she makes this choice...' the second saying 'then she will...'. Obviously more poetically than that XD

Though many foes she’ll have to face,
One friend may help her keep her pace.

I think that this has great potential. Need's a bit of polishing, but it gets the point across as-is. I hope I helped!

PS (Prophecy, not Proficy ;-])

Hi,

I think you've chosen a really good style for this and that it progresses nicely from beginning to end. It effectively lays out the situation and I think that the rhyming works well for the most part. I just have a couple of minor nitpicks.

I'd spell out"83" because I think that it would look better.

I'd also change "be" to "come" because I think that it sounds better. I'd change;
"But this young girl will face a dilemma,
For this young girl’s name is Emma."
because it sounds like she will have a choice to make because her name is Emma, which I'm not sure is what you were going for. I think I'd change it to say that her name is Emma in the first line of the couplet. I'd also move "Emma" to the start of the line so you're not forced to find something to rhyme with it.

I think that;
"For if she stays she will surely die,
But she will live if she’ll fly.

Though many foes she’ll have to face,
One friend may help her keep her pace"

is a bit forced. Maybe try something like;

"For if she stays she'll surely die,
But live on if she deigns to fly."

I'd change the last line as "keep her pace" doesn't make much sense. Maybe use "place" as your rhyme-I think that may be easier.

Hope this helps.

Jas