It wasn't my fault. She deserved it too. Every last hideous cut and bruise. She was a whore, a filthy, lying whore. She faked a baby on account of her husbands drunken affair, took and dealt drugs and murdered her mother for no reason. I knew killing her would kill me, but it was worth it. Seeing her perfect face beaten and scarred, was better than any dose of speed or puff of meth I had ever taken. The thing that astounded me the most is that her husband never knew what she was. A prostitute. He never questioned every 'late shift' or even bothered to take note of her messy haired, sexed up appearance as she returned home. But either way she was becoming a monster. Suicide was the only option. If I wanted the part of me that I hated most to be dead, I had to die. Henry, my husband, was down stairs. I hoped he hadn't found the note yet. That would mean he would see her set up. The noose, the chair, the knives and the final extacy pill. Shehad planned it all to the last second. Her first and last prayer. She heard foot steps. Not enough time to close the door. She jumped on the chair unable to do the things she planned. The noose around her neck, she kicked the chair out from under her. She regretted it as soon as she did it. But that didn't last long.
Last edited by whatevr on Tue Feb 23, 2010 8:08 am, edited 5 times in total.
Jeeze, this is kinda sad, depressing Hope everything is okay with you.
Just a couple quick things, starting with the drugs. Say "dose of speed" instead of the ecstasy thing. And I don't know what you would say for meth, because you don't really do "doses" of it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TEXBmw2jBcA In that video, the guy is doing meth. Maybe that can help you better describe it?
You have some issues with verb tense. Most of it is in past tense, but sometimes you switch to present tense, like here:
The thing that astounds me most is that her husband never noticed what she was.
Should be: "The thing that astounded me the most was that her husband never knew what she was." (Sorry I liked "knew" better than "noticed."
Oh, and the "ever" in the third sentence should be "every."
There should be a comma after "dealt drugs." And take out the comma after "perfect face."
I don't understand the connection between the woman and the MC, maybe I'm just dumb? x) Cheers, Lena
Hi, PenNPaper here to review! My, this sure is upsetting, you sound like you're cursing someone. Okay, I do not even know how your MC is related to this 'whore'. You mentioned 'If I wanted the part of me that I hated most to be dead', does that mean that the MC hates him or herself? Sorry if I sound harsh, but this whole thing just doesn't really make too much sense. Okay, so for most of the part you're explaining about why you hate this whore, still, I don't see a link between the MC wanting to kill herself. Was the MC the 'whore's' sibling? If you can explain whatever that needs explaining, this should be a much better piece.
Ok, it's really not that hard to understand. The 'whore' is the MC. She's talking about herself and what she's become. I mean how hard s it to get that?
Hmm I like it. Haha mostly cuz I write stuff like this but yeah, it's cool. Like the person before said, proably give it a bit more of a backdrop, why she became a prostitute and the like. Other then that, I can taste the bitterness in your words. Well done!
Most people see what is and never what can be. - Albert Einstein
The voice doesn't sound very authentic in my opinion.
"better than any Ecstasy pill or dose of meth I had ever taken" doesn't sound like something a drug addict would say. I mean, if I was someone who uses Ecstasy or crystal methamphetamine on the regular I would use more slang terms when talking about my addiction.
Not really sure how I'd say it in this case since ecstasy and meth aren't drugs I'm too familiar with but I might say something like "the shit was better than my first hit of crystal" or something like that. Again, crystal meth, not my drug of choice, for fiction or otherwise. *ahem*
Anyway I like the idea, i really do. But if you're going to tell this story in the first person without it sounding all generic like every other teenage suicidal drug addict story out there, then you need a strong sense of voice. Don't be afraid to of using grammar/spelling errors to emphasize the way your character talks.
The best example of a strong, voice driven story that I can think of would be the Catcher in the Rye. Read that book and observe how the author creates a distinct voice for the main character.
Good luck with your work.
I owe everybody who gives me feedback one critique on a fiction work of their choice. Just give me a pm with a link and I'll critique whatever fiction piece you want.
Okay, this is too short to nitpick at, so I'm just going to give you some general points...
She ruined her marriage, took and dealt drugs and murdered her mother for no reason. I knew killing her would kill me, but it was worth it. Seeing her perfect face beaten and scarred, was better than any Ecstasy pill or dose of meth I had ever taken. The thing that astounded me the most is that her husband never knew what she was. A prostitute. He never questioned ever 'late shift' or even bothered to take note of her messy haired, sexed up appearance as she returned home. But either way she was becoming a monster. Suicide was the only option. If I wanted the part of me that I hated most to be dead, I had to die.
Okay, I don't normally write this kind of stuff, but i needed to get it out of my system. Don't even ask how I came up with the idea...[/quote]
I. OH! THE TRAGEDY!
Okay, really, this is just all far too tragic to be true! She breaks up her marriage, becomes a drug dealer and a prostitute and murders her mother. Gosh. And now she's going to kill herself.
Bad things do happen to people who mess with drugs etc. But you're giving the impression that this is happening before all that. That the drugs are only a side thing. Was she an addict? Why did she kill her mother? Why did the marriage break up?
Plus, suicide isn't the only option, ever. And even if someone is depressed enough to think it is, they don't go through it logically. Depressed people don't think straight, because they're suffering from mental illness. They wouldn't make a list like this.
Also, women don't just become prostitutes. Especially not if they're in a happy marriage. They don't go "Hmm, I need some money to get that nice dress." Prostitutes are desperate, they're often sold into slavery, it's never really a choice.
II. THE REASONS
This is all one really short paragraph, and you don't give the reasons for anything. How can we feel anything for your character when you just tell us the barest facts? This isn't going to make us feel any emotion at all, it's just going to make us go "huh"?
Come on, pull us in. Explain how all those bad things happened. Convince us you actually care about your character and you're not just writing depressing stuff for the heck of it.
III. OVERALL
As above
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010
Thank you for all these comments, but this isnt really a work im interested in editing ^^ Just needed a system reboot, and for that to happen i had to get this out of my head. But your critiques were splendiferous.
Hope everything is okay with you. 
