Without Death

This is just something random that popped into my head. it's not very good and definately needs improvement. HELP!!!


There is no life without death
No gain without loss
No pleasure without pain
There is not love without hate
No hope without despair
No happiness without sadness
Why does this balance occur?
Why can’t we have one without the other?
Because without death, life would be meaningless
And a life without meaning is a life without hope
Without love
Without gain
Without Pleasure
Without Life
What would we be without death?
Nothing.

Hey,
After reading your haikus, I went straight to your portfolio to see what else I could read of yours. You're a really good writer, with really nice images.
Here's what I thought of this poem.

'There is no life without death
No gain without loss
No pleasure without pain
There is not love without hate
(I like the way you break the pattern here)
No hope without despair
No happiness without sadness
Why does this balance occur?
(Something isn't right about this line. It seems to practical for what is a very thoughtful poem)
Why can’t we have one without the other?
(The same with this)
Because without death, life would be meaningless
And a life without meaning is a life without hope
(I really like these two lines)
Without love
Without gain
Without Pleasure
Without Life
What would we be without death?
Nothing.'

This is just a suggestion, but it might be more effective if you altered the last two lines, something like this:

Without death?
We would be nothing.

I really like the altering pattern - I've never really liked poems with a fixed form.
I hope my suggestions are helpful.
Sophie

Hello! I am the somewhat-powerful Mr.Knightley, and I'm here to review your poem! Let's begin.... *evil laugh*

First off, I really like the idea you have here. I totally agree with you that life would be meaningless without death, and for the same reasons that you stated. It's a very different and refreshing idea to take on. Good job!

However, I did see a recurring pattern throughout your poem... It sounds so insignificant, but... you say "without" a lot. Almost every single line has that word somewhere in it. For the reader, that gets painful, and for the writer... it takes away from what you're trying to say, so that the reader gets distracted. My suggestion would be to start from scratch-- but with the same lines and statements you have here! A great way to get the creative juices flowing is to find other ways to say what you want. It may seem at first like you have absolutely no other option besides using "without", but the truth is there are so many other words and phrases to replace it! If you follow this step, your poem will be infinitely better!

And if you do end up revising it, please tell me! I would love to see your progress.

-Knightley

I Liked this. Like "LIKE". Anyway, if you're looking for a nice little saying, you can't have a rainbow without rain. You've gotta cry before you sing. Bye! Well done.

Generally the theme of death is depressing, and these kinds of poems drag, but this is pleasantly thoughtful. I like the ideas you've put forward.

I have to agree with Sophie, the two questions seem quite out of place. Also, the consistency seems to trail off near the end.

"And a life without meaning is a life without hope/.../ Without Life." That line doesn't make sense if you follow from the previous sentences.

Very thought provoking, the concept and the way it is presented. Keep it up.

I for one would like to say I thought your poem was great. To tackle such an issue is brave and you seem to have succeeded here. Although I would try to avoid repetition of words because it can distract the reader. I disagree with the previous comment. Death of course can be depressing but it is a part of life and we would be stupid not to write about it. One of the main things a human thinks about is death. And as writers we should explore the different aspects of our nature. Well done.

thanks for your advice i will edit the poem when i have the time