Again

Okay, guys, this is my first narrative poem and my second altogether poem! Hope you all like! Do NOT be nice! I don't really know much about poem grammar, so sorry about that And yes, I admit it, I did get the idea off Pirates of the Caribbean 2!

---

Slowly, a smile
spreads over his
familiar face;
whispering in my ear
sweet anecdotes
that set my heart
fluttering
like a bird in spring.

---

Quickly, he leans away,
and looks sadly
into my eyes
I struggle
at the handcuffs
that hold me
and the mast
together.

---

I watch
as he fades
into the distance
And the kraken
raises its head.
When I fall,
into an eternal sleep,
Salt water
drips from my face

---

My eyes
never to see
this world
again

---

Thanks all!

Hi Durrie! Here for a quick review.

Your poem here is suffering from an issue my narrative poetry suffers from: it reads too much like prose. Right now, if you remove the line-breaks, this would read as a skeletal story. In poetry, you're having to cram a lot more information into a shorter space. What I mean is, you've got to put in emotions, description, character voice, and all the things in a good story into poetry form.

My suggestion is to use more figurative language, focusing more on creating images that invoke emotion instead of the actual event. Make us not so aware of the story going on right now. Give us a cacophony of images and sensations that become a story.

I'd suggest checking out the reviews on my poem Wild Roses to get a better idea of what I'm talking about. June's review and Kitty's go into a nice amount of detail.

PM me with any questions!

~Rosey

Thanks, Rosey! Helpful as always ^^

~Durr

I agree with Rosey. (She's always right!!!)

The shorter lines make it way too difficult to read.

Otherwise, I really like it. It turns out you chose one of my favorite movies to write a poem on. I think you did a very nice job, considering that this is only your second poem you've written, and your first narrative.

Keep on writing! God Bless!