Blame it on the rain pt.2

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Okay, hello everyone! I have decided to continue from Marcie's POV. Enjoy and comment please.

- - -

Bright lights burned behind my eyelids and, though my eyes were already shut, I squeezed them tighter.
" Turn it off," I croaked," turn it off, please" Nothing happened for a long two seconds in which I silently contemplated turning off the harsh lights myself, which was completely out of the question. My arms and legs felt weak, I didnt even fathom lifting them. I figured that simple process would be beyond difficult.
" She's awake," a voice called. Lilth? No, Marcie, we have already realized the male voice that speaks does not belong to our love. Oh, right, thank you. I apologize, for I have forgotten again. I smiled and instantly frowned when my lips cracked. Water would make them better, right? Yes, I suppose it would, but I couldn't get anything with that blasted light cooking me slowly.
" Turn it off," my voice was hoarse, and though I tried to yell the sound I made came out just below a whisper. This was frustrating. Yes, very frustrating indeed. Glad you agree.
" Nurse? Nurse," Not-Lilth's-Voice called. A high pitched squeak spilled into the room and I flinched. It made my brain throb.
" Yes, may I help you, sir," the lady that spoke had a thick British accent. I laughed inside my head. I've always wanted a British accent, ever since I was sixteen years old when we had a new student. I can't recall his name, Johnathen I think it was. Everyday I would walk up to him and say: " Can you teach me to talk like you do?" And everyday he would just smile down at me, I was never very tall, and say: " Of course, love, just say when." So every weekend I would tell my mom to drop me off at the movie theatre, and from the movies I would walk to his house. His mom called me a regular 'cause I visited every weekend, 'cept the weekends when I was grounded. His house always smelled of cinnamon buns, I remember because I would always ask if his mom was baking. The answer would forever be no. I still don't know why his house smelled that way. Candles I guess, or maybe air freshener. I would walk down the hall whose walls were covered with random photos of London, Paris, and some more places whose names I didn't even know, and go into the last room on the very end of the hallway. His room was small, smaller than mine at least. He had posters covering his walls and a lone guitar in the corner. Every time I walked in he would say: "Hello, Marcie. Are you ready for your lessons?" He would sit Indian style on his bright orange carpet and look up at me, and would constantly flip overgrown hair out of his face and say things like: "Bloody hell! I swear one of these days I'm going to shave it all off!" I would just smile and him and pin it behind his ears with one of my hair clips. I don't know how, but every time I did that it ended up with him kissing me. I never learned how to speak like a native British person, but I did learn how to "snog" like one. I guess that's better than nothing at all.
" Can you please turn off the light? I think they're hurting her eyes." I silently thanked Not-Lilth when the lights clicked off. The burning sensation was replaced by a calming coolness. Fire chased by ice. Fire and Ice. Wasn't that a poem of some sort? Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice... Oh, yeah! That's it.
"From what I've tasted from desire I hold with those who favor fire. But if it had to perish twice, I think I know enough of hate to say that destruction of ice is also great, and would suffice." I got it now! That Robert Frost guy. I like him.
" Nurse! She's quoting poems! Are you sure she's okay?" There was laughter and a small clanking of metal against metal.
" She'll be fine. Now, if she were singing I'd be worried," more laughter. I didn't get the joke. I opened my eyes and now, since someone wasn't trying to bake me, the smell of sick people and disinfectant was more apparent. I wrinkled my nose as the odors fought their way into my nose. I must be in a hospital, that's the only place I know of that could smell like this, and plus that would explain the whole nurse thing.
" Water," I croaked, my throat was burning now," Water, please." The sound of metal clanging on metal returned and I flinched again. I just wish they'd cut that out. It was growing annoying. It was dark in here, the lack of light coming in through the window made me figure it was beyond the hours of sunshine.
" Yes, right away Ms. Rayner." The nurse left the room, letting in a a small sliver of hallway light when she opened the whining door. Suddenly the room was full of a dim, orange light. Not-Lilth must have turned on a lamp. I turned my head to the side, which was extremely difficult 'cause my head felt as if it weighed a ton.
" Are you feeling okay?"I sat up and instantly flopped back down. Rising was out of the question completely.
" Fine," I choked out," except moving is difficult." I thought about smiling, and almost did, but remembered my chapped lips," What happened?" He scratched short, spiky, brown hair and glanced around like he was uncomfortable. Maybe he was? I don't have an idea why he would be though.
" You had a baby, Marcie."
" How do you know my name?"
" I've known you for five years! I'm you neighbor, Kaylom, remember?"
" Oh, Kaylom! How are you?"
" I think a more appropriate question would be how are you?" I licked my lips in a wasted effort to get them moist.
" What happened," I repeated. He blew a long stream of air out of his nose, making a swooshing sound.
" You had a baby-"
" I know, what else?" I grit ed my teeth together. This was aggravating.
" You had a baby," he swallowed hard," your placenta broke. I barely got you here in time! The baby's fine though." The door screamed as the nurse walked in with a plastic tray filled with water and food.
" Eat up, Ms. Rayner. You will get to see your baby when you're done."
- - -

Hope you enjoyed! I would love some tips on how to continue this.

Big kiss, class dismissed!
Muffins 'n' Machine Guns
LoVeLeSs I review short stories and novels.

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Ok so just a few minor things to point out…


‘Nothing happened for a long two seconds in which I silently contemplated turning off the harsh lights myself, which was completely out of the question,’ Here I would try to avoid using ‘which’ twice, it feels too forced and using the same word in one sentence never really feels right. Kind of like when we use ‘he’ and ‘she’ when speaking about someone instead of repeating their name over and over. The same sort of rules apply here. Using an alternate word would give this a much better flow.


Also, don’t forget you need to have different speakers starting on a new indented line, as there is a paragraph where you have neglected to do so.

The smell cinnamon, everyone always seems to use this smell, maybe because it’s distinctive but the more things I read the more common cinnamon seems to become – just a small thing to bare in mind

‘He would sit Indian style’ I’m not sure who your targeted audience is but would they be aware of what style this is. Reading it myself I do not know which makes it difficult for me to imagine the scene that your painting, maybe if you used something more universal like ‘Buddha style’

Other than that I enjoyed this, it seems to be a good start and can pretty much go in any direction now as we know nothing of this persons past and quite little about their present.

I guess it all depends on what kind of direction you want your story to go in, it could be something along the lines of the baby being taken away by a stranger and then rescued by a man who she then falls in love with, maybe a relationship is already developed between mother and father and the baby brings them closer or pulls them further apart. The possibilities are pretty much endless.
Check out my novel My Life of Insignificance

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Great job loveless! I read the first part of this story and loved it. I now have read the second part, and its great! I really didn't find any mistakes throughout it except for a little kink in the plot. When she said that her placenta broke, I personally thought she would be in a lot more pain even without moving. Besides that, great job on the story, and continue your amazing work!
Anime <3



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