Moonlight (a haiku)

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Moon light through window,
I bask in its cool crisp light,
It calls down to me.
Last edited by hippie_vampire on Fri Feb 19, 2010 2:55 am, edited 3 times in total.
“There are many thing people have claimed can not be true and yet nearly all of them have ether been true to begin with or been made true by thous stubborn enough to ignore them.”-Scientist 666 from my 2009 NaNoWriMo novel.




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This was good. I liked the imagery and the haiku-ness (let's pretend that's a word...) of it. Just a few little nit-picks I have. First, I think moonlight is one word. Also, "it's" should be "its", and I think that in the first line "though" is supposed to be "through". In the second line, try to find a synonym for light. You used it just in the first line, so it sounds kind of repetitive. Other than that, good job.




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Firstly - this was really good. I loved the last line.
However, (and I am not really sure how to explain this) the first line
Moon light though windows
could have been about several things in several places, whereas the second line
I bask in it's cool crisp light
was definitely one place, so the perspective shifts in an unpleasant way. I think just a small alteration to the first line so it sounds like one place or one window.
The first replier picked out all the details like 'though' and 'through' - so there's not much else to say except - well done! I particularly like 'crisp' as a description of the moonlight. :D
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Thanks for the comments!
Thanks I completely missed the 'though' 'through' thing for some reason :smt095
and yeah I think I'll change it to 'window'

Thanks again!
“There are many thing people have claimed can not be true and yet nearly all of them have ether been true to begin with or been made true by thous stubborn enough to ignore them.”-Scientist 666 from my 2009 NaNoWriMo novel.



Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.
— Corrie Ten Boom