Bruised and Broken

What I hope to never come to pass to anyone, especially not one I hold close...

Tears fell down her face as his iron palm hit her reddening cheek. Why wouldn’t he stop? His teeth that she had once admired dug into her skin and she let out a small cry. She couldn’t scream though, she didn’t want him to get in trouble. She was just a defenseless girl who couldn’t tell.

She walked from school that afternoon, her eyes red and puffy from endless tears. Her cheeks were red, white scratches lining the red splotches. Tears fell once again, making her scratches sting. An old Dr. Pepper bottle was in front of her. She lifted her foot covered in blue converse and kicked it as far as she could.

But apparently it wasn’t far enough for her. She grabbed small rocks and leaves and other debris from the side of the road and began throwing it. As she was throwing the fragments of nature she fell to the ground, sobbing. No one could hear her cry as she lay there in the street. No one would listen to her as she felt the sharp pains. No one would care as she took her last breath.

She lay there, and knew she had to tell, but when she would finally get the chance, it would be too late. It would be to late for anyone to hear her, to help her.

As she walked to school the next day, she met him. He had been stealing his father’s beer again, and she could feel her heart break as he began to beat her. As he began to hit her, as he began to shatter her heart over and over again.

She lay there, cold and defenseless. No one could see her under the thorny bushes, no one could hear her call for help. Her body was bruised and broken, and she couldn’t cry, she couldn’t scream, she couldn’t be seen.

She closed her eyes, taking in ragged breaths, praying that someone would find her. But she knew, when they found her cold, broken body, she would have taken her last breath, and everything would be gone. She wouldn’t be able to tell them about him, and how he got drunk and high all the time. She wouldn’t be able to tell them about how he had scarred her forever, and how she was bruised and broken.

Hi, Very good, very touchingly dramatic. Keep it up.

I liked this, nice emotion to it. But you might want to make it a bit longer, perhaps describe a bit more who it was that was hitting her, why he did so, and how she and him had first gotten together. Describe things when they were better before they got worse. Also describe a bit more about why she couldn't cry or scream, or tell anyone. Good story!

Hey, Queenie!

Seeing as this is non-fiction, this is quite sad and terrible. I hope that person's alright, and I hope you found some help.

On to the review you requested, however. You definitely portrayed the emotion very, very well. I can tell you were hurt by this "story", if you will. You used appropriate adjectives and other words to help enforce the tone. Great job!

There's one thing that doesn't fully complete this and that's a... well, an ending. Or a beginning. This is more of a flash-fic, or a piece of what could fully be a story. So if you're aiming for a flash-fic exercise thingy, ignore this! However, the story started with beating, and the story ended with beating. Basically, there wasn't any plot acceleration. It focused on one idea and stuck to it. Kind of like a poem would? So yeah, this sounds more like a flash-fic or brief prose rather than a story.

Also, be careful not to make this too depressing that the narrator can't narrate. There's a lot of parallel structure or repetition: repeating the idea that the MC is doomed. Be sure to shine some light on the plot: What exactly happened? Who is this guy, really? Why does she not want him to get in trouble if he keeps destroying her body? Is he really worth not telling anyone?

Those are thoughts if you wish to edit this and beef it up into a story. Just needs some meat! But the tone here is very good. I hope the situation in real life is or was taken care of.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

It was very dramatic like Anchees said. I liked it. You might want to add a little bit more to the story, make it longer possibly.

His teeth that she had once admired dug into her skin and she let out a small cry.

I thought he was a vampire at first because he bit her. Could you maybe explain why he wanted to hurt her if they were sort of together? Keep up the awesome writing!