Never Ending Race

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Jogging in place
In a never ending race

Always moving
Never changeing

My legs moving
Up and down
Up and down

always

Till I die
the day I close my eyes

The end of the never ending race
the crazy case
I call life


:oops:
Last edited by dasiamari on Mon May 23, 2011 1:45 am, edited 1 time in total.
Know that she's back in the atmosphere I'm afraid that she'll think of me as a plain old Jain told a story 'bout a man who was to afraid to fly so he never did land. ~Train




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I think this is a good poem... good emotion, relatable, etc. The only problem with it I can think of is that you say "life" in the second to last line and then the very last line. I'm sure it was intended, but it sounds a bit repetitive. But maybe that's just me. Otherwise, it was good! :) Keep writing!
"Confidence is like medicine. Not having enough of it can kill you, but an overdose can kill you as well. But if the amount is just right, you'll survive." -Quote by ME! :D




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Jogging in place
In a never ending race I liked these two lines, they were great!

Always moving I feel like punctuation would be nice. It just makes it easier to read, in my opinion.
Never changeing Changing.

My legs moving
Up and down
Up and down I liked the repetition here, it went back to the Jogging in place bit at the beginning.

alwaysWhy do you suddenly switch to lowercase? Also, it seems like now you are getting dangerously close to being too monotonous. It keeps going on and on, which I know is the point, but still.

Till I die
the day I close my eyes Again, shouldn't the be capitalized? And I think it would sound better if these two lines were switched. Till the day I close my eyes,
Till I die. But, it doesn't sound bad the way it is.


The end of the never ending race If you do decide to add punctuation, there should be : here, I think.
the crazy case
I call life


All in all, this was a very good poem. It seemed a little bit short to me. Anyway, good job, keep writing!
A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity. -Kafka

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