The Janitors - Chapter 1 (Final Edit)

Chapter 1

The steady fall of rain was a good excuse for the moisture that streamed down Jack's face. Teardrops fell onto his black blazer but were hidden among the raindrops. The pastor finished with a resounding, “Amen.” Slowly, people came up to him and placed their hands on his shoulder. “I'm... really sorry about this Jack,” they would say, and sigh, then walk away.

But if they were, then where were their tears? She was the only one that cared for me and I'm the only one that cares for her. Jack decided. Emotions were passing so quickly and he felt the world fading out so quickly only to resound back at him with tremendous noise and speed. Everything was hitting him like gunfire, piercing gunfire. Every flower had lost its beauty and every sunset would only be the refraction of light through floating dust particles, and nothing special. Life was equivalent to death and smiles were just frowns turned upside down.

Jack's hands grabbed tightly at the edge of his blazer. He pressed the fabric and applied as much pressure and emotion as he could. Then he let go. He took in deep breaths, each one more strained and each one horribly real. It was more gasping than breathing. Each breath of his was an absolute statement that he was alive, and his mother was dead.

Jack felt another hand on his shoulder. He read the words on her gravestone then simply stared out in reminiscence. It could be God's hand, wouldn't matter. But after one minute, the hand still gripped his shoulder.

He exhaled. A numb feeling followed the draining anxiety. And when all the anxiety had been drained out, he was empty. And that was filled by yet more emptiness, in the more physical sense. He frowned. Who the hell feels hungry at a funeral?. But he was feeling rather hungry.

“Jack, I think it's important for you to know, she loved you,” Pastor O'Brian said.
“I know she did. I knew it every single time...” his voice faltered. He remembered his proud smile in the mirror, the day he first tied his tie. And how his mother had taught him that. Every single memory came back to him. And he found himself short of breath and angry and hurt. He scowled at the thought of how his mother's life had been hell. He clenched his fist, ready to fight but there was nothing to fight. There was nothing that his superhuman strength could hurt. He was vulnerable like never before. The groan he subsequently let out was involuntary, but a good expression of his emotions.

“Jack, if there's anything I could do for you...”
“There is.”
“Just say so.”
Jack thought for a while. He wondered what his mother would have had him ask. He remembered how, no matter how her frail body needed it much more, she'd give him the extra helping of the scarce dinner. How, no matter how her wallet would cringe, she'd always buy him the large pizza. And how, despite his complaints, she'd never let him miss a meal. He remembered her stubborn love. And he knew he wanted to keep it with him.
“Could you maybe... buy me a pizza?”

Pastor O'Brian seemed taken back. He cleared his throat and agreed. He began to walk back to his car. Jack stood still at the foot of his mother's grave. He knew he'd be seeing it many times more, every Friday perhaps, but the finality was building up around him. This was her funeral, and it would be his last moments at her funeral. After this, she'd really, really be in heaven.

One of the traits that his mother had always been proud of, was that Jack had a way with words. “God,” he said “I'm sorry for everything I've ever done wrong. And I dunno why my mom had to... die. But please bless her in heaven and take care of her. And give her back every single thing she ever gave me. I don't want you to bother over me, just let me know how she's doing and how happy she is.”

On her gravestone were the words:

Love is patient, Love is Kind.
Ella Gareth, Loving Wife, Mother and the Embodiment of Love.
"There'll be no World War 3 on my watch!"

And next to the final 'Love', he placed the golden ribbon his father had bought her for their anniversary, just before he had died. “Bye, Mom.” He found himself smiling at the last line and he could hear it being said in the whisper of the wind.

Hi Hero,

This is a tough review, so I hope you took me seriously when I warned about the bleeding.

I think this piece still needs work. Primarily, I'm seeing problems with the writing itself, but there are also content problems, chief among them the feeling that this should actually be a middle chapter rather than the first.

Writing problems

1. This needs another proofread - it's full of punctuation errors and so on. I wonder if you might be getting more reviews if you cleaned up the errors in this piece.

2. The use of the conditional second person, "you would", feels very awkward to me: this is a 3000-word piece in which just a few sentences lapse into an incredibly rare and clunky tense to give information that could be more smoothly integrated into the third-person narrative. I'm not sure why you chose this tense, and I'm not seeing any benefits at all, much less ones which outweigh the jarring effect on the reader.

3. Information tends to be dumped on the reader in huge static paragraphs, which are (a) infodumps and (b) generally show vs tell problems. For example, the first paragraph tells us a bunch of basic stuff about the protagonist that could be more effectively shown through the story. Each character seems to be introduced with 1-2 big block paragraphs telling us about their physical appearance, personality and special powers - all things that would be better shown than told.

4. I'm worried about the dialogue. In places it seems smoothly-written and economical, without any wasted words, as in this exchange: “So how's fifteen?” / “Great. Sixteen?” / “Same, same.” But in other places, I think the dialogue is quite clunky. I can't imagine a real human being mentioning his "lack of popularity status" in a serious way. In addition, I'd beware of cliched dialogue, such as "Enough chit-chat. I came to warn you".

5. I'm not sure if screenplays get to use bolded headings like "Five minutes later" to set the time and place, but fiction doesn't.

6. The flashback is talking heads. It's all dialogue. There's no emotion, no feeling, no voice. No sensory description of any kind - no tastes, no sensations, no sounds, no smells, no sights. That's not enough to paint a scene.

7. I think the description is a little weak. Let me take this section as an example:

Andrea Howard had brown hair. Long, flowing, brown hair. Her face, like Jason's, was flawless. Dermatological perfection must've ran in the family. She was six centimeters or so taller than Jack, even without her high-heels. And despite her sophisticated, intelligible looks, she was best friends with Kara Jordans, the girl that beat up Malcolm Mike Meyer in second grade. And that had rubbed off on her. Because while she wasn't as tomboyish as Kara, she wasn't too flowery. As such, no pretty flowing dresses for her. Instead, a simple purple blouse and had two golden bracelets on her one wrist. She wore long, black pants and low heeled high-heels.

Note the verbs you use here - "had" (x3), "was" (x3), "must have", "wasn't" (x2), "wore". You've used a limited range of weak verbs over and over. Same goes for the descriptors - "brown" (x2), "long", etc. None of these words are striking or unusual or leap off the page. See if you can enliven your vocabulary.

Moving on.

Content problems

The reason I asked whether I had the right piece is that this doesn't feel at all like the beginning of a story. It feels like we've been dropped into the middle, and you're scrambling to catch up by dumping backstory on us. As a general rule of thumb, if you can't make it through the third sentence without having to go back to a previous time period, you've probably started in the wrong place.

Either this story starts too late, or you need much smoother, better-integrated backstory.

I also felt that everyone is too special. I'm not sure I can deal with so many beautiful, wonderful, powerful people. In addition to having superpowers and apparently a history of saving cruise liners, the protagonist is “one of the most popular guys in school”, envied by his friend and complimented on his looks (twice) by women. This theme seems to continue throughout the piece. The characters are all constantly complimenting each other on being so awesome.

As a reader, this leaves me a little cold. It's easy to give your characters superpowers and good looks - not so easy to give them flawed, complex, sympathetic personalities. I'd be wary of piling on the superpowers and good looks as a substitute for lack of characterisation.

And just to round up, I felt that the fight lacks impact. There are plenty of kicks and punches, but the characters don't seem to register them in any meaningful way. There's no emotion and no sensation. No pain, no fear, no anger, no adrenalin. No blood, no shaking hands, no feeling of nausea. It feels very sanitised.

Hope this helps, Hero.

Cheers,
Karsten

Hey Hero, here as requested.

Ok, so I think that this needs a lot of work. I'll go through a couple of points with you.

One problem I really had with this was the amount of information I was getting. It felt like you'd dropped me into the, let's say, 3rd chapter, and then felt bad about it so dumped a whole load of background and character information into the chapter. Not good. You need to spend time developing all of these things. If this means you have to split it into two chapters, or start fresh, then fine. It just needs work.

Also, I'm not the biggest fan of your characters. Everyone has flaws, right? But your MC is handsome, popular, sporty, clever and seems to have people telling him everything. How could he lose? This makes it kind of boring.

Lastly, your description really is a little off. I talked about the infodump before, which isn't great. But then, during the chapter, you seem to skim over the parts which the readers would actually find most interesting. For example, the part about Jason. This is condensed into one tiny bit, and we don't even get to see Jack discover him! To me, this seems a little weird, especially when you just use space by describing everything else to the full.

So, overall, I think it needs work. You have a good idea here, you just need to bring it to it's full potential.

Hope this helps,
~Amy

Hi, PenNPaper here to review!

mother Jack.” he

In order for it to be a small letter 'he', it must be a comma before the close inverted commas.

He was me to love Him

This sentence sounds wrong, you were trying to say 'he wants me to love Him', right?

giving it a glow and a brightness

There shouldn't be a 'a' before brightness, just 'brightness' would suffice.

Darkfire fell back. He screamed

Just wanted to tell you that you could do away with the period. Making it 'Darkfire fell back and screamed' will also be good, just a suggestion.

emnate

I think this is a typo, you missed an 'a'.

embarassed

Spelling mistake, double 'r'.

Okay, I liked this story very much, but I think you rushed into the superhero part. Also, show, don't tell. Try to show the readers that he was a superhero instead of telling us that he was. You have some spelling mistakes, there is a spell check function so please use that, lots of people don't.

Good luck and keep writing, bye for now!

Just from reading your first paragraph, I can see how many of your sentences could be improved. So I'm going through this line-by-line with the nitpicks. Hope it helps

The steady fall of rain was with the tears flowing down Jack's cheeks.

Alright, do you think you could find a better comparison than "was with?" I think you could. Try something like: "The steady fall of rain masked the tears flowing down Jack's cheeks." Also, do tears really flow? I'd find a better word than that, maybe. Cause it reminds me of the way Brock would cry on Pokemon.

A gentle wind blew and his hair tossed.

Why not just say: "A gentle wind tossed his hair?"

In his blurry vision were the words:

Try "Through his tear-stricken vision he could read:"

Anelle Gareth, Loving Mother, Wife and Citizen

Alright, I'd switch that up a bit. Put something interesting on the tombstone. LIke, a cool quote that the mother lived by. This is basically the default thing that they put on tombstones. Its almost identical to both my Uncle's epitaph and my good friend Dave's. Also, the whole "citizen" thing makes them all sound like communists.

And they were the cause of his blurred vision. His lip quivered and his voice cracked.

You don't need to say that they caused his blurred vision. It's stating the obvious. The reader can already tell that he is of some aquaintence to this dead person. And you don't need to say that his voice cracked, because has he even said anything yet? Nah.

As people came up to him and comforted him: “I'm... really sorry about your mother, Jack,” he slowly took it in, as he did with every struggled breath. Gone. Memories of her came rushing back.

I just made some minor grammatical corrections. Also, with that last sentence, you could probably find some better imagery than that. Find a prettier way of saying it

Her brown, frizzled hair would dance in the sunlight as she spun him around.

Gah, frizzled is the world that every girl dreads of when someone is describing her hair. Frizzy hair doesn't dance in the sunlight. It just looks back. And the word "frizzled" itself ruins the tone of this for me.

She was the warmth, the fire, inside of him. NEW PARAGRAPH Inside, he was now hollow and cold. The black wind of grief often visited.

These sentences are good. As are the various ones you use to describe the memories with the mother.

Pastor O'Brian was dressed in black, a black shirt and black pants.

They are at a funeral.. No duh he's gonna be dressed in black....


“

Where, exactly, would God have me go now?”

I haven't read this whole thing yet..... I really hope it doesn't turn into an "I love Jesus" story... But, if not, then this is actually pretty good.

“He wants me to love Him. Pastor, how can I do that... if I don't even know how to love myself?”

Okay, this seems really unbelievable to me. Why would he say that he can't love himself? Wtf? I don't get this, its desperately random.

Not a bad hobby, Jack, getting killed by a super-villain teenager.

This sentence doesn't make sense to me. Who is talking? Jack's getting killed? Wtf?

Freedom City will remember me!

Wow, what a crazy city name. Highly original... haha...
I'd suggest picking a new name.

The dialogue between Jack and the villain is really cheezy. Like something out of the Batman original series. The action scenes are good, the dialogue is just a little sketchy.

He watched the boy writhing and groaning.

Who is "he?"


Alright, this is totally not what I thought it would be. But I like it! The only bad part is that this is sort of reminding me of spider-man, what with the whole "normal guy becomes a superhero" and the funeral scene.

But overall, nicely done. Keep writing!
Cheers,
Lena

PS. I'm no good for action scenes, I can only write dialogue and emotion. So I couldn't really be a big help with most of this Sorry

Hey there NewHero! Tis WD, as requested. Sorry it took me so long to get to this. Anyways, you already have a lot of great comments about this, so I am just going to elaborate on a few things, all right?

You have some interesting ideas--I can tell you have a vision for this story and it seems interesting so far, but this beginning is throwing me for a loop. First, as Karsten mentioned, it doesn't feel like a beginning. You are jumping around so much it's confusing me. I don't mind it when writers jump points of view and settings, but for a reader just being introduced to this, it confused me and drastically took away from your character development. With the rapid point of view switches, everything feels too fast and disjointed. I wrote an article in the Knowledge Base about point of view switches and the pitfalls of that technique. A lot of what I see happening here is addressed in that article, so you can take a look at it here if you want.

Right now the switching seems out of control. We start with him at his mother's grave, then he's fighting crime and then we get lost in an entire slew of characters, settings and events. First chapters can be action-packed and even vague, but this seems over to the top and it's not letting me connect with your characters. For your first chapter, I would suggest trying to mesh some of this together. Why can't you provide hints to the first scene in the second scene (the fight scene)? Then we would get a better view of your character in context of his past being woven throughout, rather than being plunged into your character at one point and then ripped out of that and placed somewhere else. Keep these things in mind as you edit. To an extent, you must ground the reader as well as hook the reader in your first chapter--that isn't really working right now.

Also, it has been mentioned that your description is strange--there are times when I agree with this and I'm just going to point out some ways it can improve, all right? Here's the thing--your description isn't alive. It feels tell-y; you use lots of the word 'to be' and things seem static. You want to make your description alive and engaging. Here are a few examples:

“Amen,” finished the pastor. The steady fall of rain was with the tears flowing down Jack's cheeks. A gentle wind blew and his hair tossed. In his blurry vision were the words:

All right. This beginning. The description doesn't sound right. Why? I'm going to point out 2 phrases. Phrase 1: "fall of rain was with the tears" What's with the verb 'was'? The verb 'to be' is very static, and it makes the rain seem static and lifeless. Use more engaging verbs. The fall of rain can mix with the tears. The fall of rain can wash away the tears. Making an image is about movement, not about static description. Phrase 2: "In his blurry vision were the words" The verb 'to be' again! It makes it sound static once more. Use something more engaging! Description should be engaging and active. It's like the difference when you go to an art museum between the still life paintings and the chaotic paintings of waves. Which sucks you in more effectively? The paintings that simulate movement. Things move in the real world, so don't be afraid to let them move and engage the reader in your description! This is an overall issue with your description, so go through and think about this, kay?

Her brown, frizzled hair would dance in the sunlight as she spun him round. There were times when they'd walk down the beach together. She was the one who taught him how to tie a tie. She was there at every game. She was the warmth, the fire, inside of him. Inside, he was now hollow and cold. The black wind of grief often visited. He shook. He faltered. He cried a bit more.

Second point of description. Put your character in it. This bit of telling put me off. The tail end of this paragraph is good, because we get body language. The beginning is weak because we're being told everything! So, put your character's emotions and thoughts into the description. What does your character focus on? How does your character feel when this lady helps him tie his tie? How is she this warmth? How does that fire make him feel? Visceral feeling and internal reaction are vital to description--setting takes on whole new levels power when it relates to character.

Does that make sense? Those are two examples of the two main issues I had with your description. So, when you revise this, watch out for the static feel and watch out for description that is dry of character. Work with that and this will improve immensely.

You have a pretty good start here! You asked me to address clicheness, but I'm not really going to worry about that yet. Work with the writing first, get the character infused into the prose and clean up the transitions, and then I can come back and talk about characters. Right now I don't feel like I'm getting a clear enough image of them. So, to sum up, slow down those transitions. Take your time. And work with your description. Nice start here! I anticipate reading more! Keep writing and PM me if you have any questions!

Sorry this took so long!

I really liked this, it did a lot for me. You seemed to let us right into the action with no problem at all. Usually I would like more background first on the characters or the type of story, or even the setting, but in this, where you entered seemed just right.

I only found one part I would actually like to quote:

Every flower had lost its beauty

Even though I do say, 'a cliche is a cliche for a reason,' cliche's are sometimes so overused, they become boring. This is one of those lines. I have heard it countless times, maybe not in the same words, but the same point to it. I like the other comparison after about the sun, but this one is just dull. Think of something your character would think of losing its beauty, like no pepperoni on a pizza or something!

Speaking of pepperoni, I loved that part. It was on the verge of corny, but I still liked it. It was a small little detail that made me all the more happy with this piece.

Now what I want to come next is for you to tell us where he's going to be living, how he will cope with no parents left (and possible no living relatives?) And I want to know what the main concept for this story is. Did you mention something about super hero's, or was that your other review request? Hmm...

Love it so far!

Classy

Hi TheNewHero
Here to review some more of this brill story.
I love the way that you have made your main character hungry at a funeral, its just something that doesn't happen very often.
The way that you have written this makes it seem like a sad occasion (well duh) but I love what you have put on the gravestone, it makes Jake's mum sound really fun.
I can't wait for more, so can you pm me when you post more?
midnightread