Give Me Your Hands Part 1

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Okay, this is my first submission to this site, so I don't know if I should have split it into chapters or if I've rated it lower than I should have. In the interest of getting me better acclimated to your ways, don't be slow to tell me what I've done wrong.

Ben wasn't an outgoing person. This is why he amazed himself so much when he let out a supposedly simple word.
"Hi."
The girl smiled at him as she walked past. Why had he greeted her? He rarely spoke to most people he knew, let alone strangers. Attractive though those strangers might be.. Ben snapped himself out of his thoughts and returned to the pages of his book, intent on keeping himself from any other... interaction. He turned the page of A Midsummer Night's Dream and lost himself for a while in the world Shakespeare built around him. He enjoyed reading outside, it was nice to have the sun's embrace keep him warm as he read the works of the Bard. He sat upon a large rock on a dirt path through a wood. The town he lived in was large and encompassed said wood, so many people took the footpaths to cut down their journey. In the summer the traffic was especially heavy, with the attractive weather and the various plants in bloom all bringing people to linger in the wood. Most just passed by and left Ben to his reading. Some who knew him threw him a wave.
"Hi."
He did it again! What the Hell was he doing? What had brought him to say it, yet again? This time, the girl didn't just walk on. She sat on the rock across the path, just opposite him.
"Hey." She spoke with a New York accent, "What're you reading?"
"Complete Works of Shakespeare." Ben hoped that this would bore her enough that she'd just move on.
"Which play?"
Crap. She cared. Social situations were not his area of expertise. "A Midsummer Night's Dream."
"Oh, that's one of my favourites." The girl whipped a strand of dark-blond hair away from her face with a flick of her head, "I feel that it's better performed than read."
She had a nice face, once he looked. Of course, hormones made him think the same about most girls, but this was different. She didn't just look beautiful or attractive, but pleasing. Her nose was small and her eyes wide, looking at almost everything with a bright cheeriness. He then realised it'd been about half a minute and he hadn't answered. "Uh, I wouldn't know about that. I've never had the chance to see any of his plays performed."
"You have to, it's just not the same experience reading it from a book. I'm sorry, I haven't even introduced myself yet, have I?" She giggled a little as if she introduced herself to everyone as a matter of courtesy, and had forgot clumsily. Perhaps she did. It seems like she might be the kind of person to do that.. "I'm Denise."
"Benjamin, it's a pleasure." He was being honest, too. For some reason, he was actually enjoying her company. "I don't think I've seen you before-"
"My mom and I just moved here last month. Speaking of her, she told me to be quick. I'm only supposed to be going to the store! I'll see you around, Ben."
"Bye, Denise."
With that, Denise dashed off down the earthy path. Socializing. T'was scary stuff, and no mistake. Hm. Ben liked when his thoughts slipped into that lovely Shakespearean dialect. It happened often when he read it and it was almost instinctive. He sighed and looked up. The sun was beginning to decline in the sky above the surrounding trees. He got up and set off for home, walking along the path with his book under his arm. He turned left as he came over the fence leading to the woods. Damn. Three boys he knew from school were sauntering down the path in his direction. He didn't care for them. He kept to the left of the path, kept his head down and hoped not to be noticed.
"Oi, it's Shakespeare!" Hell.
"Aye, it is!"
He raised his head and pretended that he hadn't noticed them and was pleased, "Hello, Dave, Mike, Shaun."
Dave stepped towards him, right in his path. Any hopes of walking on was lost, "Let us read your book, then." Ben attempted to simply coil away as Dave made a grab for his book, he stepped onto the grass and tried to walk hurriedly past. Shaun headed over quickly and grabbed him by the arm.
"Let 'im read your book!" Shaun insisted as though it was a genuine request. Mike rushed up behind him and slipped the book out of Ben's grasp. He handed it to Dave who flipped it to a random page. He recited a passage from Hamlet that he had little chance of understanding.
"Doesn't make any sense, this. 'Ave it back-" Dave tossed it at Ben. He fumbled with it in an attempt to catch it and it fell to the ground, "Can't speak English, that Shakespeare!" Shaun gave the book a little kick as Ben leant down to pick it up. He hurriedly moved over to it and snapped it up. He straightened up and walked over to Dave.
"I'll have you know that the Bard of Avon had mastery of the English language far beyond your limited comprehension." What. The Hell. Was he doing? As Dave's stare met his own, the rage that had flared from Dave's insult soon died down behind the incredible fear of his apparently imminent death.
"Are you sayin' I'm thick?" Dave was awfully close to him now.
"I think he was, Dave" Mike advanced on his left while Shaun silently approached on his right.
Dave grabbed Ben's shirt and looked threateningly down his eyes. He could see the fear. He wanted to smile, but it would spoil the thrill that came with knowing Ben was afraid.
"I think you oughta put him down." Denise had appeared from nowhere. She was standing with her hands at her hips, her left clutching a plastic bag holding what appeared to be milk and bread.
Dave looked between his captured prey and Denise, slowly making her way towards the group.
"Somethin' tells me you're not about to give him a hug, and any other course of action wouldn't be very nice." She talked as if saving nerds was everyday to her.
"What are you gonna do about it?" Dave turned a little towards Denise and Shaun backed off so he could get a good look.
"You're right, I can't really do much about this can I?" It was a second or two before Denise brought her fist at speed from her hip to his face. Dave let go of Ben and staggered off, clutching his nose with both hands.
"You bitch!" Dave pulled one hand away from his nose and formed a fist.
"Hold this." She handed her bag to Ben, while he stared at both near-combatants.
"Dave, she's a girl!" Mike voiced his disapproval.
"She's a f***ing bitch! She punched me in the face!" Dave swung his head around, blood caked under his nose. He formed another fist. Meanwhile, Denise was already geared up, two fists hovered over her chest as she hopped from foot to foot. Shaun and Mike had joined Ben in backing to the edge of the road to observe the chaos.
Dave made the first move, rushing like a madman to land a blow on Denise. She ducked under his fist and circled behind him. He twisted on his heels and rushed at her again, fist prepared to crush her shoulder. She hopped back and he crushed air. She moved back forwards and lashed a blow across his neck. She wasted no time in getting behind him and digging her knee into the back of his. She elbowed his back, knocking him to the floor. She knelt on top of him.
"Give?"
"F*** off!"
She grabbed his head by the hair and wretched it up, "I won't hesitate to slam this into the asphalt. You give?"
"Fine, just get off me." She let him up and he began rubbing just about every place he'd been hit. Mike and Shaun moved off from Ben as Denise walked over. The delinquents hurried off with Dave cursing under his breath.
"Uh, your bag." Ben handed the plastic bag over, "Thanks for that."
"No problem." She took the bag and began walking with him.
"Where'd you learn to fight like that."
"Well, that first punch, I learned from a guy I knew who taught kendo back in America. Well, officially he taught kendo, but he'd teach anything from martial arts to flower arranging if you asked nicely. The rest, I improvised."
"Nice improvising. So, is your house this way?"
"Yeah, Jones Street."
"Isn't it quicker to go back that way to get to Jones Street."
"Yeah, but this way's more fun." They shared a smile.

EDIT: Split it up now. It was originally in three parts, as I submitted it periodically to DeviantArt, making it really easy to split once more.
Last edited by Jordrake on Sun Feb 14, 2010 11:27 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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This was cute. But yeaah, you should make this into two(or even three) parts. It's a little bit too long.
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Thanks. I'll keep splitting in mind for future submissions.
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Hi! Welcome to YWS! As Layla said, this is a tad too long. I'd split it into three parts. That way you can get really detailed reviews on each one. So yes, once you do that I'll come back to review. Also, if you rate this 18+, you can say the "f" word. ;) Unless you don't want to, that's fine. Again, welcome! Please PM me once you split this up, and also PM me if you have any questions.

--Dreamy115
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Hello, Loveless here!

I loved it! Loved it twice over. Yes, you did have few minor mistakes here and there, but it was easy to look over -I still recommend you fix them though-. I couldn't stop reading, and was sad when it ended. You developed your characters well, and set the tone wonderfully.
When you do a time lapse, or something of that nature, skip a few lines and indent a bit so the reader dosn't get confused. Welcome to YWS, and I know you are eager to get your work out and posted, but it's routine to review at least two other pieces before posting your own. Plus, people are more likely to review your work if you have reviewed others.
You can PM me with any questions you have reguarding my review or any rules of this place, and i'll help you to the best of my ability.

Big kiss, class dismissed!
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Youreit here, and ready to help!

Welcome to YWS! It's helped me a lot with my writing to get an outsider's opinion, and I think you will benefit as well.

I agree with the other reviewers. You definitely need to split this up into at least two, if not three parts. When you do that, I will be happy to review me. Send me a PM, and I'll get to it as soon as I can. As for your question about rating, use your best judgement. Most reviewers don't mind reading something a little more mature than they are, but it's nice to have some idea of what you're jumping into.

So, once again, welcome! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions about the site.

-youreit
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Thanks ever so much for the warm welcome, you guys. I would have reviewed some other works first, but I couldn't find any works that interested me right off the bat and I was really eager to submit this. I'll get it split up and get back to you.
Thank you for sitting through the inane blather above.




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Hi! Okay, my review's in the spoiler, my corrections/comments are in reddish pink. Asterisks mean I took something out.


Spoiler
Ben wasn't an outgoing person. This is why he amazed himself so much when he let out a supposedly simple word.
"Hi."
The girl smiled at him as she walked past. Why had he greeted her? He rarely spoke to most people he knew, let alone strangers. Attractive though those strangers might be... Ben snapped himself out of his thoughts and returned to the pages of his book, intent on keeping himself from any other... interaction. He turned the page of A Midsummer Night's Dream and lost himself for a while in the world Shakespeare built around him. He enjoyed reading outside, it was nice to have the sun's embrace keep him warm as he read the works of the Bard. He sat upon a large rock on a dirt path through a wood. The town he lived in was large and encompassed those woods, so many people took the footpaths to cut down their journey. In the summer the traffic was especially heavy, with the attractive weather and the various plants in bloom all bringing people to linger in the wood. Most just passed by and left Ben to his reading. Some who knew him threw him a wave.
"Hi."
He did it again! What the Hell was he doing? What had brought him to say it, yet again? This time, the girl didn't just walk on. She sat on the rock across the path, just opposite him.
"Hey." She spoke with a New York accent, "What're you reading?"
"Complete Works of Shakespeare." Ben hoped that this would bore her enough that she'd just move on.
"Which play?"
Crap. She cared. Social situations were not his area of expertise. "A Midsummer Night's Dream."
"Oh, that's one of my favourites," The girl whipped a strand of dark-blond hair away from her face with a flick of her head, "I feel that it's better performed than read."
She had a nice face, once he looked. Of course, hormones made him think the same about most girls, but this was different. She didn't just look beautiful or attractive, but pleasing. Her nose was small and her eyes wide, looking at almost everything with a bright cheeriness. He then realised it'd been about half a minute and he hadn't answered. "Uh, I wouldn't know about that. I've never had the chance to see any of his plays performed."
"You have to, it's just not the same experience reading it from a book. I'm sorry, I haven't even introduced myself yet, have I?" She giggled a little as if she introduced herself to everyone as a matter of courtesy, and had forgot clumsily. Perhaps she did. It seems like she might be the kind of person to do that... "I'm Denise."
"Benjamin, it's a pleasure." He was being honest, too. For some reason, he was actually enjoying her company. "I don't think I've seen you before-"
"My mom and I just moved here last month. Speaking of her, she told me to be quick. I'm only supposed to be going to the store! I'll see you around, Ben."
"Bye, Denise."
With that, Denise dashed off down the earthy path. Socializing. T'was scary stuff, make no mistake. Hm. Ben liked when his thoughts slipped into that lovely Shakespearean dialect. It happened often when he read it and it was almost instinctive. He sighed and looked up. The sun was beginning to decline in the sky above the surrounding trees. He got up and set off for home, walking along the path with his book under his arm. He turned left as he came over the fence leading to the woods. Damn. Three boys he knew from school were sauntering down the path in his direction. He didn't care for them. He kept to the left of the path, kept his head down and hoped not to be noticed.
"Oi, it's Shakespeare!" Hell.
"Aye, it is!"
He raised his head and pretended that he hadn't noticed them and was pleased, "Hello, Dave, Mike, Shaun."
Dave stepped towards him, right in his path. Any hopes of walking on were lost. "Let us read your book, then." Ben attempted to simply coil away as Dave made a grab for his book, he stepped onto the grass and tried to walk hurriedly past. Shaun headed over quickly and grabbed him by the arm.
"Let 'im read your book!" Shaun insisted; as though it was a genuine request. Mike rushed up behind him and slipped the book out of Ben's grasp. He handed it to Dave, who flipped * to a random page. He recited a passage from Hamlet that he had little chance of understanding.
"Doesn't make any sense, this. 'Ave it back-" Dave tossed it at Ben. He fumbled with it in an attempt to catch it and it fell to the ground, "Can't speak English, that Shakespeare!" Shaun gave the book a little kick as Ben leant down to pick it up. He hurriedly moved over to it and snapped it up. He straightened up and walked over to Dave.
"I'll have you know that the Bard of Avon had mastery of the English language far beyond your limited comprehension." What. The Hell. Was he doing? As Dave's stare met his own, the rage that had flared from Dave's insult soon died down behind the incredible fear of his apparently imminent death.
"Are you sayin' I'm thick?" Dave was awfully close to him now.
"I think he was, Dave" Mike advanced on his left while Shaun silently approached on his right.
Dave grabbed Ben's shirt and looked threateningly down his eyes. He could see the fear. He wanted to smile, but it would spoil the thrill that came with knowing Ben was afraid.
"I think you oughta put him down." Denise had appeared from nowhere. She was standing with her hands at her hips, her left clutching a plastic bag holding what appeared to be milk and bread.
Dave looked between his captured prey and Denise, slowly making her way towards the group.
"Somethin' tells me you're not about to give him a hug, and any other course of action wouldn't be very nice." She talked as if saving nerds was everyday to her.
"What are you gonna do about it?" Dave turned a little towards Denise and Shaun backed off so he could get a good look.
"You're right, I can't really do much about this, can I?" It was a second or two before Denise brought her fist at full speed from her hip to his face. Dave let go of Ben and staggered off, clutching his nose with both hands.
"You bitch!" Dave pulled one hand away from his nose and formed a fist.
"Hold this." She handed her bag to Ben, while he stared at both near-combatants.
"Dave, she's a girl!" Mike voiced his disapproval.
"She's a f***ing bitch! She punched me in the face!" Dave swung his head around, blood caked under his nose. He formed another fist. Meanwhile, Denise was already geared up, two fists hovered over her chest as she hopped from foot to foot. Shaun and Mike had joined Ben in backing to the edge of the road to observe the chaos.
Dave made the first move, rushing like a madman to land a blow on Denise. She ducked under his fist and circled behind him. He twisted on his heels and rushed at her again, fist prepared to crush her shoulder. She hopped back and he crushed air. She moved *forward and lashed a blow across his neck. She wasted no time in getting behind him and digging her knee into the back of his. She elbowed his back, knocking him to the ground. She knelt on top of him.
"Give?"
"F*** off!"
She grabbed his head by the hair and wretched it up, "I won't hesitate to slam this into the asphalt. You give?"
"Fine, just get off me." She let him up and he began rubbing just about every place he'd been hit. Mike and Shaun moved off from Ben as Denise walked over. The delinquents hurried off with Dave cursing under his breath.
"Uh, your bag," Ben handed the plastic bag over, "Thanks for that."
"No problem." She took the bag and began walking with him.
"Where'd you learn to fight like that?"
"Well, that first punch* I learned from a guy I knew who taught kendo back in America. Well, officially he taught kendo, but he'd teach anything from martial arts to flower arranging if you asked nicely. The rest* I improvised."
"Nice improvising. So, is your house this way?"
"Yeah, Jones Street."
"Isn't it quicker to go back that way to get to Jones Street?"
"Yeah, but this way's more fun." They shared a smile.



Alrighty. I liked this, nice job overall. I'll be back to review the other parts of this. Cheers!

--Dreamy :smt059
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Thanks a bunch, Dreamy. I appreciate it.
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Hey there! Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I've been super busy.

I liked this. Your main character seems a little cliche, because he's our typical nerdy guy, but Denise was great. She wasn't afraid of anything, and that's an awesome quality to have. I think that if you developed Dan a little bit more, it'll be even better.

I'm off to read part 2. I hope I helped. PM me if you have any questions.
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"Oi, it's Shakespeare!" Hell.
Ha I love how he's so sarcastic and negative! I love your story I don't believe it's to long. Off to read the second part.
"Characters cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." Helen Keller




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Thanks for the CC, youreit. I based the nerdier parts of Ben on myself, so if he's a cliched nerd, it's only because I am. I feel that your main characters should always have at least a little bit of yourself in them.

Snickerdooly, the reason they said it was too long is I originally had all three parts in one thread, because I'm a newb. And thanks, I've always thought humour my strong point.
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Hello, Jordrake! Welcome to YWS! Let's get started on your piece... I'm currently working on my critiquing skills. :)

Your story is promising; I liked quite a few things in your piece, for example, self-irony and humor, old-fashioned (and "good" nonetheless) views on literature, a closed persona, and the setting of nature. I think I can relate to your protagonist, in terms of being misunderstood and attacked by the bullies of today for one reason or another. In the very beginning, I liked how you started out with your main character interacting with another person because I could see how Ben usually would or wouldn't react to the people around him. It was interesting as well that you started out with a supporting character being greeted by Ben - it gave me a sense that this minor character is going to influence the plot, but you defied my expectation. It hooks the reader, if he knows that something is going to happen, but doesn't know exactly what. Your voice is unique because it catches the reader's attention as well. I liked this part the most, perhaps:

Jordrake wrote:"Well, that first punch, I learned from a guy I knew who taught kendo back in America. Well, officially he taught kendo, but he'd teach anything from martial arts to flower arranging if you asked nicely. The rest, I improvised."


When I analyzed your character, I realized that I subconsciously expected for Ben to stand up for himself when Dave, Mike and Shaun approached him, although you have described Ben as if he were a geek. When Denise helped him out, it startled me because that this is not the usual, stereotyped behavior that you would expect from a girl. I would, however, expect that Ben, being submerged in the world of Shakespearian values, would defend himself because he's a young man. But maybe I don't know enough about him, so I can't really judge. I also didn't catch a fair amount of description that would help your reader to visualize how Ben, Denise or anybody else in your story would look like.

Overall, I enjoyed this piece. Can't wait to read more!

P.S. The art of arranging flowers to make them aesthetically-pleasing is called "ikebana". :D
"You stand on the brink of greatness. The world will open to you like an oyster. No... not like an oyster. The world will open to you like a magnificent vagina." - "Bullets over Broadway", Woody Allen, Douglas McGrath




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Dave grabbed Ben's shirt and looked threateningly down his eyes. He could see the fear. He wanted to smile, but it would spoil the thrill that came with knowing Ben was afraid.



That part was confusing-ish to me and I don't understand the setting that their in, but this is book material [: as in good enough to be a book one day [: i likie hehe.




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i like this! it's very interesting! just split it into parts it'll be better, k?
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