Broken heart

Doctor, come quick
My heart just might break
What can you prescribe
For this awful heartache?
What I need is you
To get over this illness
The real truth is
It's you that I miss


hehe it sounds sorta emo but yeah first post more to come..this is short

Honestly, as it is now, it doesn't sound very emo. It sounds humorous... or at least it made me smile. If you didn't want it to sound that way, I'm sorry.

My only comment right now is that it seems to short. You would have gotten a better reaction from it if you'd gone on for a little while about this broken heart problem to let things build up for the reader and then, only in very end, explained that you need the doctor.

Aye, I thought it was supposed to be humorous as well. That comes from the rhyming scheme and the quick pace of the poem. To slow it down, get rid of rhyming and add plenty of commas. Also, make the lines longer.

The last two lines are kind of awkard; largely in part because you're saying "is it's," which just does not flow. Split it up by moving the "that" in the last line to the beginning of the last line.

And don't be afraid of using periods in a poem! You need them in a couple places.

Looking forward to seeing more stuff from you!

Hee hee. Sounded a bit cheesy.
I sort of liked it... Never heard the word prescription in a love poem yet...

Nice englightenment.

-Elizabeth

I agree with what the others have said so far. It seemed much more like a cute little poem that you read in chain letter emails...