Nemesis Chapter 2 (edited)

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Chapter 2

Tom picked me up to the party and we landed at Ryan’s house. It looks different from when I last was here. The people, the party feeling, the way it’s decorated and the darkness from the night I guess. The music’s great and the snacks are delicious! We are all dancing but me. I am talking to Tom for a long time; he is so interesting, and cute, of course.
Tom’s Hobbies: Basketball, Singing, Reading, Hanging out.
Tom’s future goal: Become a famous singer (auditioning to American Idol)
Tom’s favorites: Color: Red Car: Fiat Singer: Scorpions Movies: The Hangover, Type of Music: Rock, Book: Pandora’s Clock John J. Nance Song: All the Right Moves One Republic Actor: Johnny Deep Actress: Miley Cyrus.
He’s nice, but I would rather dance right now. But the problem is: Tom hates dancing at parties, which brings me to hating this. The odd thing is, he isn’t interested in hearing about me. We did talk about me, but now it’s only him, him, and him. People are swaying to the music and I am still sitting staring at Tom that is sitting across from me. The music gets louder and we continue our conversation.
“So, um, would you…” Tom says getting cut off by Ryan
“Alex,” he stares into my eyes
I look up at him and see he’s very serious.
“Wh-at,” I say
“We gotta talk,” he stands in front of Tom
I wipe my pants as I get up from the table feeling butterflies in my stomach.
Ryan steps close to me and pulls my hand. He leads me to the bathroom.
The bathroom is bright with its yellow walls and the flowers in vases. I can see myself with Ryan as I look at the mirror which is above the sink. The window is open letting in the cold night air.
He locks the door and looks at me.
“So,” I say letting myself go first.
“You gotta know something,” he leans against the sink counter.
I’m afraid to hear it and I slide my hands into my pants pockets.
“Okay,” I say.
He stops leaning and steps in front of me blocking the window.
I look at the brown rug on the floor.
“Tom is using you,” he admits.
I look up and blow into flames.
“What?!” I yell.
“Shh,” he says.
“You’re jealous. I don’t believe that he would ever use me!” I say quietly.
“Me jealous? Please,” He says laughing at me.
“Then why do you care if he uses me or not?!”
“Because he’s my best friend and you are my family friend, my family would never wanna see you hurt,” he explains leaning against the sink again.
“Then why did you let him ask me out in the first place?” I ask getting closer to Ryan.
He looks all around the room.
“Because I didn’t know that you would even accept the offer.” He says.
“But I did,”
“He told me that he’s dating you ‘cause he knew that I like you, he wanted me jealous.” He gets up and stands next to me.
I look at him in shock of what he just said. He likes me?
“Excuse me?” I ask.
“He wanted me jealous. We always pull each other’s string, that’s why we’re best friends.” He steps closer to me.
“I know what you said, but he wanted you jealous ‘cause you like me?” I stay in my spot.
“Yes,” he says staring into my eyes.
Oh. My. God. This can’t be happening. It just can’t be happening.
He grabs my face lightly letting his hand wipe my face to my neck. I’m letting him do it by not doing anything about it. My emotions fill me like they have filled Ryan.
My lips kiss his and my heart pumps faster than ever.
When he lets go, all I do is stare at him and run away. Leaving my purse, and coat behind I run home. Like Cinderella, except I have both shoes.
My heart was pumping fast and my breathing was shallow. My running from fright still shocks me as I take off my heals. My feet burn on the sidewalk and my mind runs crazy with mixed thoughts “What the hell?!” We aren’t supposed to kiss. EVER.
I reach to my house and run inside. My feet are bleeding when I look down and my hair is crazy. The emotion that’s plastered on my face is shock, from like seeing a Tornado.
“Alex, are you okay?” My mom said closing the door before me.
“No,” I say and run up stairs into the bathroom.
“Alex!” Mom yells.
She runs after me when I land in the bathroom.
“Alex, what’s wrong?” She says sitting down next to me.
“Nothing,”
“Alex,” She hugs me.
“Mom, it’s not important!”
“I can see that you are terribly hurt. Tell me what’s wrong.” She strokes my hair showing her sorrow.
“I can’t, I, I” I start crying again.
I stand up and just stare into the mirror looking at myself, I’m still shocked. I check to see for zits to show that Ryan shouldn’t like me for that. I had two, but I still looked good, man, how can I make an excuse to get him away without the look. Hm, am I weird, no. Stop. Stop, Alex!
I keep on looking, I can’t help it. I cry and fall on the floor. My mom walked out giving up. She has been begging me. I said no word. She said we’ll talk when I’m done washing. Wiping my eyes I keep on crying pulling my clothes off and going under the shower. While making myself wet I wash. I feel like I’m washing the problem away, the memory away. It was a bad memory, us kissing.
*
I’m out of the bathroom sitting in my room looking at Tom’s text message wondering how to respond.
Tom: Hey, wat happened?! Why’d u run? Call me.
Maybe I should call him. It would be normal. But after that, I wanna just forget about it, maybe when I’ll forget the rest of the world will too. Hm, great idea. So I’ll just go to sleep and forget about it.
*
I’m at home, summer vacation, nothing to do. I should call Tom, but Ryan is over with his family, it’s a party at our house, family friends and family is over. I am in my room searching the web and ended up on Facebook. The problem is Tom found me on there and left me a post.
Tom Gregory Rouse: Hey Alex. U didn’t call back. Wat is up?!
I’m gonna faint soon. I can’t just think normally after what has happened.
My room gets brighter by the sun shine from the open windows. My white desk blends in with my red and white walls. The wooden floors make my room look special because other bedrooms have carpets not wooden floors. The other furniture tie in the whole room with their white colors and the comforter on my bed makes its yellow shines brighter.
Ryan barges into my room without me knowing .Hello, privacy?! No. I turn around in my swivel car and look at him. I saw him when he came in; he’s wearing a normal outfit. Black short sleeve T-Shirt, Short Board Shorts, and brown flip-flops.
“Hey Ryan,” I say awkwardly staring at him
“Alex, I can explain about the whole thing yesterday,” he walks closer to me
“Ryan, please, no, don’t say it.” I demand standing up
“Al,” He’s the only one who calls me Al. My nickname from him, he wanted to torment me by calling me a guy’s name (Alex is a guy’s name, but not anymore, he-he).
“It was an accident, I shouldn’t have done it, I’m sorry,”
“It’s okay anyway. I shouldn’t have kissed you before, it was an accident too, but it meant nothing, right? Nothing. We kissed each other,”
We’re standing closer (like 2 inches apart) and our hands just touched.
“Yeah, it was nothing” He’s staring at me.
“What?” I feel a tingle go down my spine as I step closer.
“Uh, nothin’ Tom’s here,” Ryan stands back.
“Uh, tell him, I’m not home.” I look around my room taking in the Red and White striped walls.
“Why? You guys are dating.”
“No we aren’t.” I turn back toward my chair still facing him.
“But I thought you were.” He puts his hands into his pockets.
“Oh, shut up! We are not dating. Now tell him that I’m not home or that I’m busy, okay? Can you do that for me please?” I sit on my swivel chair looking at my bright computer screen.
“Okay,” He says and walks out of my room leaving me alone and my computer beeping.
It’s a chat from Facebook. Tom, what, he brought his computer or something, no, cell phone, iPhone or something. Uh.
Tom: Hi
Not replying. Never. He will never believe me. Can he just leave me alone? I close my Dell laptop and run down the hall stopping Ryan dead in his tracks. He just stares at me. No wonder, I ran out like a horse in a race, he must have heard me run.
“Al, there is someone behind you,” He says pointing his chin at me.
So, he wasn’t staring at me. I turn around and it’s Tom. My shock grows and I walk away toward Ryan and pull him down the stairs.
Last edited by Nike on Fri Apr 02, 2010 3:31 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"If I look like a monster,' he says roughly, 'then no one will be surprised when I do monstrous things." - A.B. Poranek




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Hello again! I'm looking forward to getting to critique something all the way through its development as a piece of writing [bounces]

Okay, on to the critique. Unfortunately, this wasn't as entertaining as your first chapter. It moved faster but it felt like the crash after the sugar rush, despite the reckless, confusing pace. Granted, this happens a lot when writing fiction. I experience a "crash" around chapters two and three, where the quality of my writing tanks, and I pull it back up again.

However, I think what this is a major pacing problem. Your story is traveling at the speed of light where the speed of sound might be more appropriate. You aren't giving the story time to grow. There's no time for you to develop pieces of your plot, or your characters, who are key to a romance, and it's confusing for the reader. Personally I am having trouble sorting out Alex's motives and perceptions through the mess. Why, for example, does she think that Tom is dangerous? She's known him for three days, and you give the reader no clues that he might hurt someone if he thinks that she's cheating on him.

Also, what sense does it make for her to pull Ryan around? Again, it might be the friend factor but there's also the fact that she's attracted to him, but you need to put in clues to why she's behaving how she is. You can do this without telling us outright. You don't utilize body language very much -- this could be an incredibly helpful tool when you want to be subtle. I think about 85% of human communication is body language. Don't just rely on dialogue.

This chapter left me wondering what the purpose of the Tom thing was -- you put her in a relationship that could cause a lot of tension (she likes Tom, but she also likes his best friend = CONFLICT SHINY OOH) just to pull her back out, by kissing Ryan.

This whole fake-out make-out is getting a little old, and it's only chapter two. Remember: too much of a good thing becomes a bad or a boring thing, and you don't want that to happen to the signals of your character's love for each other and impending relationship, which kissing can be. It can have a lot of impact in a romance, be important and exciting and effective, but not if the reader sees it every chapter. You can use it as a signal for passion, a setpiece.

You should go through the grammar resources here and the ones you might find at your school, and get a more solid foundation in grammar, comma use particularly. I'm not going to go over it here but if you have questions about grammar, feel free to PM me.

Again, details. You're oddly specific when you don't need to be, like what show she's watching. The reader doesn't care. The reader will care about things that are relevant, either in building a credible, necessary setting (fact: television shows can and will severely date your story.), building a credible character (do I need to know who her favourite actors are or that she loves Disney, something you probably love?) or building a credible plot.

and now, I would like to turn your attention to the idea of a Mary Sue. I'm sure the resources data base has articles on the Mary Sue, and I'm not saying that your character is necessarily a Mary Sue but I sense that she's coming close.

this is one of my favourite Mary Sue Litmus Tests. They aren't always accurate but they can help clue you in to when your character is becoming trite, a puppet, an authorial insert. Articles are attached.

Reiteration: take it slower. Don't rush your story, because moving too fast is burning holes in your plot and in your characters. It might be frustrating -- learning to slow down always is -- but it will be good for your story in the end.
Blah blah blah blah?



If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.
— Henry David Thoreau, "Walden"