Nemesis Chapter 1

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Everyday I’ve been doing the same thing.
1.) Wake up, brush teeth, dress-up, eat breakfast, catch the bus to school
2.) Go to school, live through the day
3.) Come home and go to guitar lessons
4.) Do homework, wash, go to bed
My family is mixed up. My brother Greg is popular in my school. Everyone knows him. He is really good at Volleyball, and he’s planning to join a College team. Greg can be very stressful, and horribly hilarious. For an 18 year old, he can be a little too selfish. He has a girlfriend, but he doesn’t really care, it’s all Volleyball.
Our family is getting a little split up. My dad went to Poland for business. He’s been there for 2 months. We thought he’d be home after 2 weeks, but no. Everyone is keeping him there; his boss has got “important” things for him to do. Some court business too. I don’t know what it is, but I miss him so much. Everyone misses him, without dad, the family keeps apart. We are just too sad to mention dad, we are worried of what’s about to happen.
I run downstairs to the living room. And I spot Ryan. I really don’t like it that he’s here. We were enemies ever since I first saw him.
“Hey Alex,” He says when he spots me
I just give him a disgusted face and walk toward the couch. Once I sit down I feel something, geewy. Like, really geewy and it smells really disgusting.
“What am I sitting on,” I ask angrily
He just starts cracking up holding his hand against his mouth.
“Ryan,” I get up off the couch and walk toward him
“I’m sorry, but, ha, sorry,” He continues his laugh
I slap my hand on my butt and pull it back by my face. It’s, um, poo. Really disgusting.
“Seriously? Ryan, poo?” I say
“Ha, it’s like last year’s cake and coke incident,” He reminds me
“No, let’s not bring that to thought,”
“Come on, it was priceless! You were the birthday girl, and got cake on your face and coke in your shower!” Ryan laughs
What happened on my birthday last year was tragic. I’ll explain. My party was at the beach in Florida. We went to Disney World, and we had to invite Ryan and his family. Ryan’s family was our family’s friend, so really I had no other choice. We were all partying on the beach by the Disney Castle. There were millions of people on the beach with Reggae music filling the warm sunny air. The food was laid out on 3 tables and I was sitting on a beach towel. Everyone else were swimming in the ocean or dancing to the music, chit-chatting as they went along. I was eating some Lay’s Barbecue potato chips with a glass of Cola on the table next to me. I was staring at the ocean when suddenly I felt someone standing behind me, so I turned around and spotted Ryan.
“What do you want?” I said
“Oh, nothing, just wanna give you your present,” He said
Him giving me a present? Yes, very surprising.
“Um, ok, let’s see it.”
He told me to close my eyes, than after 2 minutes he said I can open them.
I see a huge sign with a picture of me. It says “New Foreign girl! She doesn’t understand anything you say. But she recovered from blindness with a surgery she took in America! She was so happy about seeing again, she stayed, and it’s her first time seeing Disney! It was her dream to see Disney in America, but she doesn’t understand English…”
I only stared in shock and a crowd of people came by me. They asked “Where are you from?” very slowly, so I could understand (whatever). And I was crowded by photographers and Disney Characters asking questions, and saying “Hi!” that they are so happy they have such a great fan. I felt really bad; I was sweating like hell and was trying to explain the truth. It felt like a Tornado. People flying around me, because I’m the tornado. I got up off my chair and right away I got slapped by chesse cake on my head, and guess who it was. It was Ryan. My face was showing hate and my head had chesse cake falling down my face. The people took more pictures. I could hear Ryan laughing over the loudness of the crowd. I started to run away when I saw Ryan poor Coke on my head.
“You said you wanted a Coke Cake, and you got it,” Ryan said
I just stared at him and ran to my hotel room with people trailing me as I ran.
“Ryan that was really bad” I say back in reality
“So?” He says
I go to the bathroom pushing him as I leave. When I got in I took off my pants and put them into the laundry. I hate Ryan so much. I grab my sweat pants and put those on instead and run out of the bathroom with hate all over me.

“Alex, someone wants to talk to you on the phone,” Mom yells up the stairs
“K,” I answer the phone
“Hello?” I say
“Hey, um, Alex.” Ryan said
He called. Seriously, he’s been calling for some while. I’m telling you it’s weirder than a pig riding a horse with wings.
“Hi, what did you want?” I say
“I just wanted to ask if you could help me with my Dialog essay for English,” He says
“Oh, um sure, but what’s it about?”
“I have to write about a story of a girl falling in love with her best friend.”
“Okay, that’s good, I’m good at that.”
“So, when are you available?”
I have an empty schedule. It’s a Saturday, so I have nothing to do.
“Now.”
“Okay, then um, I’ll see you?” Ryan stutters
“Yup, bye!” I hang up and throw the phone on the floor.
I grab my purse and run down the stairs.
“Mom, I’m going to Ryan’s for a while.”
“Okay, bye, tell his parents I said hi.” Mom says staring into the TV.
I grab my bike from the garage and drive off to his house. It’s windy today. For a June day it seems that the weather is good for the month, In summer’s it is this hot in Illinois, at least 70 degrees Fahrenheit. His house is not so far from mine, only 2 blocks away. We go to the same school, but he’s just a year older. The heat burns me as I ride my bike. When I spot Ryan’s house I accelerate and park my bike on his driveway. I walk up to the door and ring. Ryan opens it.
Ryan is really loose today. He’s dressed in sweats and a “You Rule, You Rock!” Blue T-Shirt. His hair is long, straight, and light chocolate brown as always, but today they look like a bed head’s do. But his eyes are still the amazing color of sky blue. I’ve always loved his eyes because they always told a message, for example, if you embarrass him, you can see it in his eyes, they say “Please stop, I will kill you if you don’t!” seriously, they can send that intention. He scans me up to down and lets me in. We both walk up to his room.
“So, um, where do we start?” I ask
We sit at the desk and he grabs his laptop with Word open for us to start typing.
“Here are some papers that say what to write about, and I don’t know how to write it.” He says
“Oh, ok,” I read the sheets
When I finish reading them I notice they aren’t so hard. But to him and anyone else, they can be.
“Okay, the start should go like this. Why has this happened? Start typing,” I say
He taps on the keyboard as I dictate him the words. We both think of ideas for it and type it. It seems good so far. After an hour or so we finish editing and reading it over.
“Thanks Alex,” Ryan says
“No problem, I’m here when you need help,”
“Alex, are you okay, from when your dad left?” He says
No, no I’m not. My dad is stuck there for 3 months, it feels so un-normal.
“Yes,” I sniff
“No, you aren’t,” He hugs me
My dad has sent checks for the bills even though mom works. I’ve missed him so much. Without dad everything is harder. And sadder. But Ryan caring is good, at least someone is trying to comfort me other than my family, but it’s still odd. I don’t care anymore. I look up at his eyes and lean in to him and bam, I kiss him. I kiss my nemesis. He seems to care so much and my emotion filled me and controlled me. He doesn’t push me off, he kisses me back. Does he, um, like me? Ryan’s bedroom door flies open. His younger sister spots us and yells “Mom, Ryan is kissing Alex!” But his mom just laughed and said “Very funny Jackie.”
But Jackie closes the door and lets us be alone. It feels weird that we even kissed. I never expected this to come to me. After the feeling I pull away.
“Um, I’m sorry. I gotta go, bye!” I say and run downstairs
“My mom said hi Mrs. Keller, bye!” I say and hop on my bike heading home
This is so weird. Weird, weird, weird, weird. I push the pedals faster and faster. When I end up at home I park my bike into the garage and run inside the house. Ryan’s little sister Jackie can be the peeper kind. She will get into your business. Jackie lies a lot, so who could really believe her? No one. No wonder her own mom didn’t believe her, I hope this doesn’t spread. She likes to play Barbies and loves Hannah Montana. She has 5 million (well, not literally, it just seems that way) posters of her in her room! Whenever Jackie can get away with anything, she will do that, whenever she can lie, she lies. She’s an evil little girl, she may spill the kiss.
“Mom, Mrs. Keller says hi.” I say and run up stairs
“Hold on Alex, come down here.” Mom says
What did I do now? I walk down and sit right next to her.
“What,” I manage
“Mrs. Keller just called, I’m not sure if this is true, but she says Jackie saw you and Ryan kiss,”
“You know Jackie. We didn’t kiss.” I lie
“Are you sure, it looks like your lip gloss smeared on your chin,” She says
I check in the mirror, yup, it’s smeared. I wipe it with a tissue and go to the stairs.
“It was a complete accident, I kissed him because, uh, I missed dad so much and emotion over powered me.” I explain
“Mhm, I know you, you kissed him because you like him.” Mom says
I just run upstairs and run into my room shutting the door. Crap, Crap, Crap. What if he didn’t like it, then why would he kiss back? Gosh, what if it was a joke that he kissed back? AH!
The phone is ringing. It might be Lisa. So I answer it.
“Hello?” I say
“Alex, good I caught you.” Ryan said
Oh, no.
“Um, I’m really sorry I kissed you.” I apologize
“It’s okay, really, I wanted to kiss you.”
Wow, really?
“Um, really?” I asked with this really shocked tone
“Yeah, I know we are enemies but I really like you.” That is so not good.
“I, um, kind of gotta go because I have to set the table for lunch.” I was getting so stressed out; I didn’t want this to happen. I didn’t even like him! Maybe a little but 1.) I am so not ready 2.) He’s Ryan.
“Oh okay. But I have one question, are you busy tonight?” He asks
“No, my schedule’s empty.” I say
“Then maybe we can, um, go to my party, at my house.”
“You are having a party?”
“Yeah, loads of people are coming, you will now a lot of them, do you remember my best friend Tom? He’s gonna be there.”
“Uh, I don’t know Tom, but I’ll think about it.”
“Okay, then call me when you can.”
“Sure, gotta go, the table setting, duh, bye.”
“Bye,” I hang up
Ryan throwing a party that is a huge shock toward me and him inviting me? Come on, we are enemies, except for the kissing, uh, let’s forget about that! It never happened, we are enemies forever! But I might wanna meet this Tom guy.
“Hey A, can you drop me off to my game?” My brother Greg asks barging in
“You have your own car, so drive.” I say
“No I don’t, remember it’s in repair.”
“Oh, yeah, when is your game?”
“In an hour, so we better start driving.”
“Your school is close.”
“But I have to get ready.”
“Fine.”
I get up with my purse in hand and run downstairs with my car keys to my Mini Cooper S (color Red). I hop in with my brother in the passenger seat. I back out and drive all the way to the school. Thank God my car is automatic, I hate stick-shift even though I know how to drive stick-shift, it’s just harder than automatic, that’s why I like automatic, just drive and relax. On the way there all Greg could talk about was the way to actually play volleyball. It sounded like rocket science to me. But I was ignoring him, but when he thought I should say something I went “Uhuh” or “Okay” when it was a full on answer I answered. I only thought about Ryan though, the whole drive, Ryan. It’s odd that I hate him one second and the next I can’t stop thinking about him. Why am I thinking about Ryan?! It hasn’t passed my mind before. It was the kiss. God. Ryan is so annoying now. I don’t wanna think about him. Brain stop thinking about him! No, he does not have cute hair, no; he does not have beautiful eyes. STOP THIS INSTINT BRAIN! NOW! Finally, it stopped because my brother spoke up. Thank God for this brother.
“Thanks A, catch you later” He hops out and leaves
Why did he have to leave me, now I’m stuck with my stupid brain and the stupid Ryan deal? Come-On. Seriously!
I keep on staring at the road all alone in this Mini. I think its rush hour because of the rush.
“Come on!” I yell at the cars in front of me.
God, these people can really stress you at times like these. I spot Lisa’s car right next to me a wave. She waves back and stares at the road again. Lisa is my best friend ever since 5th Grade. We know each other so well. Every year we throw a Best-Friend-Party just for us to go crazy. We throw in Karaoke, Acting, Painting, Dancing, Pranking, etc. She is almost exactly like me but more hyper. We talk non-stop when we can and secrets come back and forth. There is no secret we don’t know from each other. We trust each other so much that when there is an accident we always know we’ll save each other first. My phone rings and I answer it still staring at the loads of cars slowly passing me.
“Hello,” I answer
“Hi,” Ryan says
No, not Ryan, I do NOT wanna talk to him now when he just left my mind a minute ago from the traffic, it’s like the rush hour took it with them. Why is he nice now, just like, 1 day ago he laughed at my poo stained butt. What is wrong with him?!
“What do you want? I’m kind of in a rush here, I am driving,” I say
“Sorry, it’s just that, come to my house, we gotta talk,”
“Okay, see ya,”
I hang up and try to squeeze through traffic heading toward Ryan’s house. It’s not as easy as it seems you know. Ryan for any case was an odd guy. He has never laid eyes on me when he wanted to hang out with me (never passed his mind). Whenever we were younger I would really not talk to him at all, unless it was “Nitwit” or something like that. He always pulled my hair, but when our siblings were around this they thought we liked each other. Sick. They said “Alex loves Ryan, and Ryan loves Alex, they are gonna get married and have 4 kids,” seriously after that I really did barf on Ryan. Lalalala, that’s all I could think about when I parked on the curb by Ryan’s house.
I hopped out and walked to the front door which automatically opened. Ryan came out.
“What did you want?” I say
“We need to talk in private, come with me.” He said and led me toward his backyard
We sat on the kiddy bench we used to sit on when we were kids. Our knees were touching, cause of the small bench. It was fine.
“So, what was the ‘we gotta talk’ about?” I say wiping my jeans
“A, the thing is that, um, I don’t know how to tell you,”
Then I keep my eyes on this cute guy walking out of Ryan’s house and toward the basketball hoop. He is so cute, and is with a Dundee Crown sweatshirt on.
His hair is short and black with brown dark lights. He has a great body structure, the muscles on his arms. I catch the color of his eyes; they are green, like hunter green.
“A, A, hey?” Ryan wakes me from my hypnotism
“What?” I say
“I was saying something and you completely ignored me!”
“Sorry, really I am so sorry, repeat and I will listen this time I promise,”
The cute guy walked toward us and my heart was pumping so fast.
“Ryan, who is this Blondie?”
He was talking about me, was he interested?
“Um, Alex this is Tom, Tom this is Alex”
His name is Tom, a nice Tom. Wait; is he the Tom guy Ryan was talking about? I think he is, I can’t believe Ryan had such cute friends, I should visit more often.
He shakes my hand and stares into my eyes with this bright smile of his. I smile right back and don’t take my eyes off of him. Tom, Tom, Tom. Hm, how about: Tom and Alex? T + A. Wow, I really didn’t know he had such beautiful eyes, they show such emotion.
He pulled his hand away, sadly.
“So, why is this lovely lady sitting here without a boyfriend?”
How does he know I am boyfriend-less? Well, maybe because I’m here and not with my boyfriend. Duh, stupid Alex.
“I just, um,” I lost my words
“She is dating me, she isn’t without a boyfriend.”
I opened my mouth and thought “What!?” but Tom stared awkwardly at him and after a second laughed.
“Very Funny, skater.”
Skater? Who was skater? Oh, Ryan’s nickname, weird.
“Ha-ha, funny Ryan,” I say awkwardly
“Yeah Skater, Alex, say do you want to come to Skater’s party with me tonight?”
Totally! With Tom, I would like, really be so happy to go. He seems cool.
“Yes, gladly,”
“Cool, see you Blondie”
He gave me a nickname. And asked me out. He is so straight forward, I really like it.
“So Ryan, what did you wanna tell me, because I’ve got to head home, I’ve got studying to do,”
“Uh, nothing”
“Okay then, bye” I say and leave
Tom winks at me as I leave and I wave at him. When I hop into my car I head straight home. It’s only 5 minutes. The road is getting darker from the sun getting shaded from the cloud. I wonder what Ryan was gonna tell me before the whole Tom thing. Ryan looked as if it were important. But oh well, he might end up telling me at the party or something. I sniff the air and smell something odd; it smells like fire mixed with cinnamon and Daisies. So I opened the window to make it go away, it was coming from the outside so I close the window.
The ride was nice tonight as I reached the house. I got out and locked the car as I waltzed inside. Mom was eating some food. Daisy, our Maltese was sleeping on the couch and I ran upstairs to choose an outfit for the party later with, Tom…

Hm, this is hard to choose. I don’t even know the theme. But it seems that this is perfect.
Attire: Black Panty Hose, denim rock mini skirt, Yellow long sleeve Aeropostale top, Denim vest, navy high boots. Jewelry: Black Peace sign long necklace, Integrity yellow bracelet.
Hair: Curly
Perfume: Britney Spears
That does seem good. I put it on in the bathroom and curl my hair. It takes about 5-25 minutes to curl it; my hair is long and very thick. My brother Greg must have come back from the game because he is knocking on the bathroom door.
“Alex! Can you hurry up in there? I’ve gotta get ready for a party at Ryan’s,” He yells
A party at Ryan’s? I am going to a party at Ryan’s. As I curl my hair I keep on thinking about how he got invited. Greg is more of a Jock; Ryan is more of an under-jock. I on the other hand just got invited by the cutest guy ever, so I just couldn’t say no.
“I am going too, so you better wait” I yell back
“I have to take a shower,”
“Then go into the parent’s huge bathroom, duh,”
“Fine,” He walks away to the bathroom
I keep on curling my hair and looking at myself. I did put on some make-up (I barley do though). It was only mascara, watermelon flavored lip gloss, blue eye shadow and some light blush.
*
Me and my brother rang Ryan's doorbell. Ryan opened it and my heart started to beat faster than normal.
"Hey Alex, Greg," He says letting us in.
Last edited by Nike on Tue Apr 06, 2010 8:59 am, edited 1 time in total.
"If I look like a monster,' he says roughly, 'then no one will be surprised when I do monstrous things." - A.B. Poranek




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Hmm. Well, I thought the beginning was a tad infodump. That's when writers have a whole load of info packed into just a few paragraphs. That info, like your brother Greg is a volleyball player, isn't really important so it should just be subtly thrown in, not straight-up. You had quite a bit of punctuation mistakes, so I advise you to check the knowledge base out for some articles. I didn't understand how you ended the chapter with "It was only mascara, watermelon flavored lip gloss, blue eye shadow, and some light blush." Again, the readers do not need to know that. Plus, one comma to much. Plus, that's not how you should end a chapter. Again, check out the knowledge base! I wasn't too keen on this story but after you clean it up and it's more polished I'll check it out again and give it a heavy critique. Hope this helps!
winie*
Sometimes you're the apple, sometimes you're the mouth- me XD




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Hey there! Just to give you some heads up, this is my first real read of a true piece of "Romantic Fiction" and my attempt at reviewing some, but it is "Romantic Poetry" week, so I'd thought I'd give it a go! :D

First of all, to keep your readers hooked, you need to remember one (if not 'the' most important) rule that is "show, don't tell". This is quite a hard skill to master but is essential in writing. As was mentioned, you have a lot of 'info-dumps' that make for difficult reads, and unnecessary ones that don't help the story.

Your sentence structure also needs some work as well. In lots of places they were very short, and continuously so. While this was effective in places, like when she was all mixed up about Ryan and it worked really well in those places, but you need to vary your sentences to keep thing interesting.

I also noticed a couple of out of place punctuation and a few spelling errors, but there weren't too many. Just make sure you check over your work.

I did like the emergence of the story, and the way it all slowly started to unravel with the party and things. I was left confused at the beginning though, the sudden shifts in time.

Anyway, good work! I hope this helps, if you have any questions just PM me,
JSPike
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Hello! I usually don't stumble into the romance forum, but I figured, it is Romance Fiction week, so I may as well.

and I stumbled into this.

I agree with winie. This needs a fair amount of cleaning up, grammatically and in regards to content. Like winie said, you need to go in with shears and cut out what isn't necessary to the narrative. Details may make a plot come to life but they can also choke a story, especially when it may have other health concerns. We don't need a biography on Alex's brother or the model of her car, and we don't need to know what brand of shirt she's wearing or what make up she uses. You tend to be too precise in some places (see above) and too vague in others, such as when you deal with time. Not only saying "5 - 25 minutes" is sloppy, it also doesn't tell your reader very much. If you want to give us an exact time, give an amount, not a range, because who cares how long it typically takes her to curl her hair, unless it's important?

Structurally, I think this moved quite fast. Of course, there's more and the middle of this should reveal the appropriateness of the pace.

My next quibble is with your characters.

Ryan is a total dick. Alex "hates" him. That's all that is emphasized in the very beginning, the fact that she hates him. This is contradicted later. After he pulls a prank on her (poo? excretions tend to stain --> keep that in mind) she doesn't think twice about helping him with something. This could be explained by the fact that she likes him, but even then it just seems stupid. He burns her, she rushes to help him, her schedule is always empty for someone she adamantly insists on hating. He hugs her, and she immediately admits that she's okay with it. There doesn't seem to be a reason for him to hug her.

This makes no sense, even when dealing with someone who is in love. The reason why this doesn't work, in my opinion, is because you set up no precedent for it to work. It became clear to me that they had a love-hate friendship, but only the hate is introduced.

My suggestion is thus: they might be nemeses but she doesn't have to immediately associate him with hatred. (I have a friend that I'm constantly fighting and competing with, but isn't just the Colosseum - and most people have had similar experiences.) She might not want to admit he's a friend, but I would show that reluctance earlier.

I would say to cut out where Alex says that she hates Ryan, but I hesitate because this is told in first person, but if you can find a way to indicate that their relationship isn't just tooth-and-nail fighting and pranking, you'll characters will come across as more actualized, more understandable people, your heroine in particular. (Because Ryan does, for the most part, make sense in the context of the story.)

So it won't take much to polish this! Just attention to grammar, detail (especially the ones you don't need) and motive. Keep writing!
Blah blah blah blah?




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Hi
Sorry to say but I didn't quite like the story and the way you narrated it.The punctuation marks like full stops are missing somewhere.The story is good but you narrate a story like a nine year old.Maybe you have to work on it.Sorry if anything I said hurts you.Keep writing!!!!!!!!!
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore




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Um, I like the plot, but the story is kind of bleh... Did you write this when you were just starting becuase you are much better than this...

Michelle
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Kocham Cie(:
-Michelle



“Writing fiction is the act of weaving a series of lies to arrive at a greater truth.”
— Khalid Hosseini, Author