Young Writers Society


The Day Things Went Wrong

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This is not my original idea. It is a horror story my friend told me a long time ago, but I'm going to retell it. The whole story. Thanks!!!


The day they got married was when it started. It was the day things went wrong. The day I was born, was the day things began. The day my father lost his life to me. I was the murderer. Me, a young infant. My mother has finally recovered from that horrible moment, but I have not. I caused it. I had the knife. I was the murderer.
I am now thirteen years old, I have grown. I have been redeemed. But I still think of that moment, when I heard his last breath " I'm sorry Abagail." He had gasped as he died. But now instead of me haunting him he haunts me, watches me, despises me.
I will now tell you how it happened, how he died. How I became a servant of Satan. How his life was thrown away.
***********

"Oh just look at her Joseph!" MY mother had squealed when I popped out. My dad stared at me intently, his blue eyes popping out of his head in amazement. I was the baby the doctors said would die in my mothers stomach. I was the baby who had lived.
I peered through my eyes as my father began to rock me. I cried as he did. I was a baby, I didn't know better. My father adjusted my blanket as he handed me back to my mom.
After endless days at the hospital my father got to take us home. I had a week to live. Only a week. The days passed and I began to grow weaker, and weaker. No one else knew. I was breathing heavily by the time I died and mother was away at her job.
I squealed, I cried, I screamed. But daddy didn't hear. An hour later he came into my room to find me dead. "Oh no!!!" I remember him screaming as my ghost floated about the room. He ran to the kitchen and got a trash bag, placing me in it he set me on the sidewalk. To rot, to die, to finish the process.
An hour later my mom came home unaware of what my father did. My father greeted her at the doorway and ignored the subject of me if my mother brought me up.
Sleep came hours later and they curled in bed together unaware of my presence. That was when it happened.
"Mommy I love you, Daddy I'm gonna kill you. Mommy I love you, Daddy I'm in the kitchen. Mommy I love you, Daddy I've got a knife. Mommy I love you, Daddy I'm on the stairs. Mommy I love you, Daddy I'm by the bed. Mommy I love you....."
My mom screamed as my dad was swallowed in a pool of blood. "I'm so sorry Abagail." He gasped. I floated away from the scene and into my crib, regaining life.
*********
I still regret that night I murdered him, my mother still doesn't know it was I who did it. But I am to afraid to tell her. I regret everything done that day. I regret being born.




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Points 11486
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I love your story! It really is full of creativity, and I love how discriptive you are and I was completly absorbed in the story andn I feel so sorry for the girl! Keep one writing! :D :) :P :wink: :smt003 :smt002 :smt001 :smt005 :smt004 :!:
Be yourself
And no one else
dance to the beat
and loose control
Never forget who you are
Be an unforgettable shining star*




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This was a great story! It had me from beginning to end. It might just be me but the part about the infant killing the father I didn't really get, do you mean literally that the infant killed the father or is this being said figuratively? I'm not quite sure if this belongs in romantic fiction, I mean it is partly about two people in love but it is mainly about the father being killed so it should be in a different section. Other then that I loved it, and never wanted it to end! It's so short! I'm surprised it you could right such an excellent story with so few words what a gift! And the friend that inspired your retelling of this story is so talented as well. I can tell by the way you right that you don't only enjoy writing but you had a passion for it as well. Keep writing! I can't wait to read your next story!
Giving in is easy,fighting for what you believe in is the hard part.




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Thank you for the reviews!!!!




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That was...really scary. Good, though. So, how does she remember killing him? You don't have any memories until you are three. And how did she have a knife, if she was a ghost? And why did the dad put her in a bag when she died, because he didn't want to face the guilt? And how did the mom not notice? Sorry, but you might want to clarify some of those things. Nice job overall, though. Keep writing.

--Dreamy
Honey, you should see me in a crown.




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Well, this is a very strange and original story. Um, is there going to be a chapter two, or is this a stand- alone? This doesn't seem to be a romantic fiction.
Would the mother really not ask if her baby girl was no longer there? That is pretty much the only snag i saw. It made sense to me that after killing daddy, she would regain her life. I like it!
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow"
-mary anne radmacher




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Points 12900
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Hi Cassie,

I'm afraid I had difficulty following this story. The character reactions didn't make sense to me. These parents somehow don't notice that their baby is ill, when first-time parents are normally hypersensitive to illness in their child. People somehow don't notice a dead baby in a trash bag on a pavement in broad daylight - even the smell isn't noticed, and the flies, and the scavengers. The mother somehow doesn't seem to notice or care that her baby is missing. Her husband's refusal to talk about it doesn't seem to set off any alarm bells. I felt like I couldn't trust these characters to react in understandable ways, and that's a deal-breaker for me.

On the same theme, the underlying story logic gets more confusing as time goes on. If the dead baby's physical body is rotting in a trash bag, how does the ghost physically affect its environment? If the mother can see her husband being stabbed and bleeding, and apparently the husband recognises his daughter's ghost, why can't the mother see the ghost? If the ghost floats into the crib, where does its physical body come from? Isn't its body rotting outside? Does a new body spontaneously appear? Is it identical? Does nobody notice the appearance?

Ultimately, I'm very confused, and I struggled to enjoy the story.

Hope this helps.

Cheers,
Karsten




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I was crying when I ended it. Its beautiful yet sad. keep writing Write more! :)
Bella



One fish, two fish, red fish, aardvark.
— alliyah