the life of mary

the life of mary


mary was a young girl at the age of 10
she didnt have a childhood she had hell instead.
parents always fighting. weed growing ahead.
rape every night and dugs in the light

now shes 16, and kicked out of the house
she dosnt have an education she dosnt have a job.
she did somthing really stupid, and foud to be pregant.

now shes 17 and has a 4 month child
shes got a house funded by dugs
wiltered flowers on the table
siringes on the floor
she crys her self to sleep every nigh hateing her life

one day she decided to do a very good thing
she went to the chuch and placed her baby by the door
she knock 3 time then slit her throat

this is the life of mary it wasnt much at all
but she did one good thing in her life which was saving a child from hell.

Hey there! I was browsing the other poetry section (it's my fav ) when I found your piece lurking in the corner, starving for a review! XD So here I am to review it!

the life of mary

Hmm. I thought this wasn't too catchy, didn't grab me at all. I might delete it because it's already the title.

mary was a young girl at the age of ten

I might take out her age. I think the characters can assume she's about that age. However, they could think she's teenage, in that case you could replace 'young girl' for 'little girl'

she didn't have childhood she had hell instead

I would definitely split these lines in two at the second she to create a flow in the poem

parents always fighting. weed growing ahead.

This really has to be split in two (at the period)

she dosnt have an education she dosnt have a job

First, these lines have to be split in two as well. (at the second she) Second, did you intend to spell doesn't wrong?

now she's 17 and has a 4 month child

Hmm. Someone once told me to write out all numbers ten and below when writing. I think you could write out the four

she crys her self to sleep every nighT hateing her life

Spelling! Add a t to night and take out the e from hating. Plus, I would again split these sentences in two like this:
she crys herself to sleep every night
hating her life
(her and self is one word by the way)

she knocked 3 time then slit her throat

Three should be spelled out and add an s to time, like this:
she knocked three times and then
slit her throat
(this is how I would write it but you can keep it as one line if you like)

this is the life of mary it wasn't much at all

Again, split in two

but she did one good thing in her life which was saving a child from hell.

Hmm. I think this sounded a little choppy, otherwise could have been my favorite line. I would rewrite like this:
but she did one good thing her life:
saving a child from hell

OVERALL

I thought this was all right, but if you just clean it up a bit this could make out to be a really good poem! I thought your poem lacked in emotion, but this can be fixed with just tweaking the words a bit. Put some real emotion to the poem, as if your Mary! I hoped this help! PM if you ever need a serious critique,
winie*

and u complain about other peoples work being painful to read!!! hey kim i'm sorry but i just cant say i liked this peice. and dude why havent u called me yet! i sent u like 1000000 txts now i have to try and talk 2 u through YWS. im so lonely

WELLLLLLLL not exactly great,

I have to say I didn't like this poem. I like the story. It is just that you have chosen to tell it in a shabby way. You haven't taken any care with the spelling. It is all over the place. But don't give up! It has potential, just go over it fix the spelling errors and read it out to yourself if anything sticks out to you that looks out of place then change it. I think you have the potential to have a great poem here you just need to take a lot more care writing it. Please PM me if you are stuck or need some advice with it. If you like I will review it again after you have edited it. That is if you want to. Good luck.

Well, I have to agree that this poem had an important story in it, but the errors in it from some parts in the rhyme scheme to spelling errors made the poem difficult to read. One thing that I noticed was the word "dug". Was it supposed to be drugs? There were a few more grammar problems, but I think if you looked over it a few more times and edited it, it would be a great poem with a heart-breaking message.

I've heard this story a lot. Try a new subject.


brenda's got a baby, runaway love, etc