The Assassin's Redemption

16 posts1, 2
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 2016
Reviews 19
Spoiler
The Assassin’s Redemption
Chapter 1

Dracon Renoir hit the rough, dusty ground of the arena, rocks carving small scratches in his hands and face.
Damn Ramar, he thought to himself. That sweep had come out of nowhere. He looked up at his old master, a grin revealing all of his wrinkles, red hair flying everywhere in the wind. Ramar extended his hand, the mark of the Order tattooed on the underside of his wrist, and Dracon took it gingerly, moving to his feet.
He glanced quickly around at the training area. It was large, consisting of stuffed straw dummies and great wooden targets. The ground was a mixture of gravel and sand, worn down from all the years of fighting on it. Soldiers and squires, even an assassin’s apprentice or two, fought hard around them, some battering dummies, others hacking away at each other with wooden swords. Until he received rank, knighthood, or was completely admitted to the Order, the men, or rather boys, were not allowed to use real weapons. Some gathered in a group watching Dracon and Ramar fight.
“ You got lucky there, Master. It won’t happen again.”
“We shall see.” His master held up his knife. Dracon steadied himself, taking a deep breath and letting his instincts take over. He rushed forwards; weapons clashed, blades moving almost faster than the eye could see. Yet as always when he fought, time slowed until he could almost perceive what Ramar would do before he acted. It was what made him such a good warrior.
***
Truth be told, the kick had been lucky. Ramar could barely keep up with his pupil anymore. The reason had nothing to do with him though- he was still as strong as an ox- but rather Dracon. It was an uncontroversial fact that Dracon was the greatest warrior to ever join the Assassin’s Order. He was rivaled by none, including himself, the high Assassin.
Dracon blade was everywhere at once, striking at him from the side, overhead. He parried, but only just. It was difficult enough to do that. Dracon swung a roundhouse kick for his head, and Ramar leaped back. He was on the defense, as he had been for almost two years.
It wasn’t long before the tables had turned, Ramar on his back and Dracon standing over him, both his and Ramar’s weapon in his hands.
“ All right, Dracon. I yield.” Dracon helped him to his feet. Ramar shook his red mane, running his fingers through it to be rid of dust. He had never liked getting dirty unless he had to.
“ I thought you told me never to yield?” Dracon said with a smirk, sliding his blade back into his belt and handing Ramar his.
“ That was before I met a foe as swift as ya.” They turned and walked out of the stone circle in which they had sparred, the crowd side-stepping as they past.
“You honor me, master.”
“I do no such thing. And stop calling me master. Ya past out of my care four years ago.”
“ Very well, Ramar,” Dracon spoke through gritted teeth. There was a time when he’d gotten a beating for calling his master by his first name. And now it just sounded unnatural.
“ I must say that I seem hardly capable of keepin’ up with ya anymore. You seem to get quicker while I get slower.”
“Hardly,” it had always made Dracon uncomfortable when his master complimented. He after years of fighting and training, he still had a bit of a shy side.
“ Stop lying boy. Ya know it’s true.” Ramar sniffed the air. “Guardians save us boy, ya stink! Go scrub off before ya stuck smellin like that forever.”
Dracon obeyed and sprinted off. Ramar watched him go for a second, shook, his head, and walked away, wandering through his thoughts.
***
Ramar had supper with King Jairon that night, like he always did. It was one of the perks of being the High Assassin. He’d miss that. The palace was cool this time of year and the last rays of sunset shone through the stain glassed windows of the Hall of Kings, also known as the throne room. Great stone pillars shot thirty feet into the air, supporting the high arched ceiling. Statues of Kings long ago stood lined against the lavished walls. The entire room, from floor to ceiling, was made of marble, or the King’s Mineral as it had become known. It was truly a site to see.
Ramar eventually gathered the courage to speak. It wasn’t often that he was a coward, but sometimes the King was known to get a little hot headed. As they finished off the first course, he spoke up:
“ I wish to resign my post as High Assassin.”
The King sat back from his plate, shock rippling across his face. Never had the High Assassin resigned. They been killed in battle or been stripped of their position. He can’t have grown soft, can he, Jairon thought. His eyes grew wide, accenting his shoulder length white hair. It had been white for years, though the King wasn’t a day over fifty. Somehow it made him look even more forbidding.
“Why may I ask?” he grunted.
“Don’t get me wrong, my Lord. I take great pride in serving you. It’s just that I believe that there is someone who is now more suited for the job.”
“So, we are speaking of Renoir?” The King relaxed with understanding.
“Yes, Lord. As you know, he’s unrivaled as a swordsman. His mind is a library of tactical knowledge. He blends to shadows as if he were born of them. Why, sometimes I think he knows what I’m going to do before I do.” Ramar said this as if he’d practiced it in front of a mirror as one would do if addressing a great crowd, which of course he had.
Jairon thought for a moment, chewing on his lip, then said:
“Very well, Ramar. If you believe it’s time, then I will appoint Dracon as High Assassin. But you must remain in the Order.”
“Thank you my Lord. Of course I will. You shan’t be disappointed.” Ramar’s face lighted up with joy
“I certainly hope so.”
***
Jairon sat in his study during the late hours of the night, looking over reports. The room was one of the most lavish in the castle. Beautiful silk tapestries hung from the ceiling and ancient weapons, some said to have been used by the great Kilmne to drive out the Rendorians and reclaim the land, were nailed to the wall. Carpet and rich rugs lay covering the floor. A giant fireplace, accompanied by a roaring fire, sat off to the left. He sat a desk made of the finest wood. But Jairon paid no attention to any this, engulfed in his thoughts. He scratched his pale goatee absentmindedly. Rebellion was rising in all the corners of the land. Layne Nightlander was said to be gathering an army in the south. If only they knew how futile that was. No one had ever defeated his Order of Assassins.
The fools these men were, talking of creating a new government, free from monarchy. Like they knew how to rule. Who better to govern the land than the king? And by fighting him, they force him to take drastic matters. He would starve the people. Until the rebels gave themselves up, he would withhold all food from the reserves. He would teach the land who ruled, even if he had to destroy every city from the ground up.
Last edited by KanenRenoir on Mon Feb 08, 2010 11:37 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Men's reach should exceed the stars... else, what's a heaven for?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 42906
Reviews 240
Hey, Kanen. You did a great job with this story (Chapter 1). I was sucked in by the first sentence. Even in only a few paragraphs, I was already getting a feeling of the world this story takes place in. This chapter was well written, and intriguing. I cannot say so much, since this chapter is on the shorter side, and since this is only chapter number one.

I could only find one puny, minor, correction for you:
KanenRenoir wrote:Ramar’s face lighted up with joy
Should be 'lit up'.

Can't wait for the next chapter...possibly then I can have bigger and more corrections for you on the plots, characters, etc.

Keep up the good work-


Kaedee
Last edited by Kaedee on Tue Feb 09, 2010 12:53 am, edited 1 time in total.
Perfect things in life aren't things.
Spoiler
*_______*




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 2016
Reviews 19
Yeah, unfortunately, I have some good friends who do a really amazing job at finding errors. Thanks for reading. I have the second chapter written, just don't know if I should post it yet. I had originally written thirteen chapters, before I threw that away and began rewriting it. I am currently on chapter three. Thanks for reading, I say again.
Men's reach should exceed the stars... else, what's a heaven for?




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 2016
Reviews 19
moved
Last edited by KanenRenoir on Mon Feb 08, 2010 8:31 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Men's reach should exceed the stars... else, what's a heaven for?




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 2351
Reviews 17
Dude, I love it! ^-^ Too bad there's only a 'like' button... :wink:
They say the eyes
Are windows to the soul
I say the earth
The sky
The moon
The very breath upon my lips
All of these
Are windows
To you




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 300
Reviews 0
I like this, a pretty good start. That king seems like a freakin jerk though, is he the antagonist? Ah well, i'll find out soon...

The only error i notiticed has already been pointed out so...
anyway, good chapter.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 27927
Reviews 532
Hello,
I think the introduction is really cool, it uses very pretty language! C=
I think to improve this, you should vary your punctuation using semi-colons (;) and hyphons (-).
Anyway, this is a good start, carry on writing!
Well done
~Tamara
Someone told me there's a girl out there, with love in her eyes and flowers, in her hair.




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 83309
Reviews 436
Hey there! Here as requested.

Initial Thoughts:

I thought this was good, actually! I quite enjoyed it. However, there are some things I think you need to address which I'll speak about below.

Some main points I'll just cover:

Characters:

Right now I don't really know much about your characters. Sure, I know what they do, but I don't know too much about them. And, as I'm sure you've heard, good characters are what really make a story great. So maybe you should take the time to develop your characters rather than further your plot? However, I don't know what your plans are for the next chapters.

Plot:

This is basically the flipside to my previous comment, but at this stage in your story it's really not the plot you need to be thinking about. Sure, you can sow a few seeds or something, but you don't need to pack in stuff that could be stretched out to fill multiple chapters, therefore leaving you breathing/character space.

Punctuation:

This is just something I noticed, but you don't vary your punctuation at all. (I actually think a previous review picked up on this too). Basically, vary it a little so that it doesn't sound too stilted and whatnot.

Hope this helps!

~Amy
"It is curious how often you humans manage to obtain that which you do not want."

-Spock.


Click if you love cookies




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 6826
Reviews 34
Valentine


Hello Kanen. I'm here on the behalf of your post in my WRFF. I hope you find this helpful. Here it goes.

Dracon Renoir hit the rough, dusty ground of the arena, rocks (I would suggest a different word that carve) carving small scratches in his hands and face.
Damn Ramar, he thought to himself. That sweep had come out of nowhere. He looked up at his old master, a grin revealing all of his wrinkles,(awkward sentence) red hair flying everywhere in the wind. Ramar extended his hand, the mark of the Order tattooed on the underside of his wrist, and Dracon took it(change "it" to hand, it helps clear things up) gingerly, moving to his feet.
He glanced quickly around at the training area. It was large, consisting of stuffed straw dummies and great wooden targets. The ground was a mixture of gravel and sand, worn down from all the years of fighting on it. Soldiers and squires, even an assassin’s apprentice or two, fought hard around them, some battering dummies, others hacking away at each other with wooden swords. Until he received rank, knighthood, or was completely admitted to the Order, the men, or rather boys, were not allowed to use real weapons. Some(some of what? Good description though of arena) gathered in a group watching Dracon and Ramar fight.
“ You got lucky there, Master. It won’t happen again.”
“We shall see.” (I will say this once. Comma, then lowercase his)His master held up his knife. Dracon steadied himself, taking a deep breath and letting his instincts take over. He rushed forwards; weapons clashed, blades moving almost faster than the eye could see. Yet as always when he fought, time slowed until he could almost perceive what Ramar would do before he acted. It was what made him such a good warrior.
***
Truth be told, the kick had been lucky. Ramar could barely keep up with his pupil anymore. The reason had nothing to do with him though- he was still as strong as an ox- but rather Dracon. It was an uncontroversial fact that Dracon was the greatest warrior to ever join the Assassin’s Order. He was rivaled by none, including himself, the high Assassin.
Dracon (apostrophe s)blade was everywhere at once, striking at him from the side, overhead. He parried, but only just. It was difficult enough to do that. Dracon swung a roundhouse kick for his head, and Ramar leaped back. He was on the defense, as he had been for almost two years.
It wasn’t long before the tables had turned, Ramar on his back and Dracon standing over him, both his and Ramar’s weapon in his hands.
“ All right, Dracon. I yield.” Dracon helped him to his feet. Ramar shook his red mane, running his fingers through it to be rid of dust. He had never liked getting dirty unless he had to.
“ I thought you told me never to yield?” Dracon said with a smirk, sliding his blade back into his belt and handing Ramar his.
“ That was before I met a foe as swift as ya.” They turned and walked out of the stone circle in which they had sparred, the crowd side-stepping as they past.(passed)
“You honor me, master.”
“I do no such thing. And stop calling me master. Ya past out of my care four years ago.”
“ Very well, Ramar,” Dracon spoke through gritted teeth. There was a time when he’d gotten a beating for calling his master by his first name. And now it just sounded unnatural.
“ I must say that I seem hardly capable of keepin’ up with ya anymore. You seem to get quicker while I get slower.”
“Hardly,” it had always made Dracon uncomfortable when his master complimented. He(typo?) after years of fighting and training, he still had a bit of a shy side.
“ Stop lying boy. Ya know it’s true.” Ramar sniffed the air. “Guardians save us boy, ya stink! Go scrub off before ya stuck smellin' like that forever.”
Dracon obeyed and sprinted off. Ramar watched him go for a second, shook,(no comma) his head, and walked away, wandering through his thoughts.
***
Ramar had supper with King Jairon that night, like he always did. It was one of the perks of being the High Assassin. He’d miss that. The palace was cool this time of year and the last rays of sunset shone through the stain glassed windows of the Hall of Kings, also known as the throne room. Great stone pillars shot thirty feet into the air, supporting the high arched ceiling. Statues of Kings long ago stood lined against the lavished walls. The entire room, from floor to ceiling, was made of marble, or the King’s Mineral as it had become known. It was truly a site to see.(good job)
Ramar eventually gathered the courage to speak. It wasn’t often that he was a coward, but sometimes the King was known to get a little hot headed. As they finished off the first course, he spoke up:(misuse is colon I believe)
“ I wish to resign my post as High Assassin.”
The King sat back from his plate, shock rippling across his face. Never had the High Assassin resigned. They been killed in battle or been stripped of their position. He can’t have grown soft, can he, (Italics)Jairon thought. His eyes grew wide, accenting his shoulder length white hair. It had been white for years, though the King wasn’t a day over fifty. Somehow it made him look even more forbidding.(foreboding?)
“Why may I ask?” he grunted.
“Don’t get me wrong, my Lord. I take great pride in serving you. It’s just that I believe that there is someone who is now more suited for the job.”
“So, we are speaking of Renoir?” The King relaxed with understanding.
“Yes, Lord. As you know, he’s unrivaled as a swordsman. His mind is a library of tactical knowledge. He blends to shadows as if he were born of them. Why, sometimes I think he knows what I’m going to do before I do.” Ramar said this as if he’d practiced it in front of a mirror as one would do if addressing a great crowd, which of course he had.
Jairon thought for a moment, chewing on his lip, then said:
“Very well, Ramar. If you believe it’s time, then I will appoint Dracon as High Assassin. But you must remain in the Order.”
“Thank you my Lord. Of course I will. You shan’t be disappointed.” Ramar’s face lighted up with joy
“I certainly hope so.”
***
Jairon sat in his study during the late hours of the night, looking over reports. The room was one of the most lavish in the castle. Beautiful silk tapestries hung from the ceiling and ancient weapons, some said to have been used by the great Kilmne to drive out the Rendorians and reclaim the land, were nailed to the wall. Carpet and rich rugs lay covering the floor. A giant fireplace, accompanied by a roaring fire, sat off to the left. He sat(missing word) a desk made of the finest wood. But Jairon paid no attention to any this, engulfed in his thoughts. He scratched his pale goatee absentmindedly. Rebellion was rising in all the corners of the land. Layne Nightlander was said to be gathering an army in the south. If only they knew how futile that was. No one had ever defeated his Order of Assassins.
The fools these men were, talking of creating a new government, free from monarchy. Like they knew how to rule. Who better to govern the land than the king? And by fighting him, they force him to take drastic matters. He would starve the people. Until the rebels gave themselves up, he would withhold all food from the reserves. He would teach the land who ruled, even if he had to destroy every city from the ground up.


I liked the ending.

Here are some tips to make this better. Read it out loud. There was a lot of dialogue typos and forgotten words. Also, I would like to commend you for the descriptions, which were lovely. I liked the story overall. I have some questions that you don't need to answer, but will help in clearing things up when you edit it. Are there knights in the Assassin's group, and how are the members ranked? Does Dracon have any super powers, or is he just skilled? Good Job. PM me if you have any questions.

Valentine
"You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become a villain- TDK"

-My Bloody Valentine Reviews-




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 690
Reviews 1
eh, it was good (writing style-wise), with a fair amount of interesting perks, but it seems so cliched. The whole "warrior in training gets really good then leaves to go battle some enormous evil entity who wields shadows" thing has been done to many times before. Plus I found a few grammer errors. It has potential, but it's not quite there yet. 3 out of 5 stars.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 2016
Reviews 19
Like stated, this is only the first chapter. I know where its going, at least for a while, and when I written some more I post. Thanks for reading and reviewing everyone.
Men's reach should exceed the stars... else, what's a heaven for?




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 5577
Reviews 672
Hey there Karen. Welcome to YWS.

I'm not going to be too detailed here as I think you know what you're doing. :D I do admit though that this piece managed to keep my attention to the very end, so I'll commend you on that.

Your strongest point is definitely your descriptions. From the training ground to the insides of the castle itself, you give very specific yet sufficient details to allow the reader to have a clean, crisp image of the various settings. I also quite liked the way that you described the battle between the MC and the master.

I can't really say the same about your characters though. Although you've defined the role of Dracon and his mastery quite clearly, their actual relationship/characteristics isn't particularly interesting or as compelling as I had hoped. I think that after the time that they've spent, they would have more of a mutual relationship between them. E.g: Have a drink together, telling each other secrets etc. But here, they adhere to their roles so strictly that it makes their relationship rather bland for the reader. I think you need to flesh this relationship out more. When it comes to master and apprentice relationships, it can easily end up quite uninteresting to the reader without any specific details to help distinguish the relationship from the rest.

I've once read a fantasy novel called "The name of the Wind" by Patrick Rothfuss. Within the first few pages, the author introduced a master/apprentice relationship. But I was rather interested in this relationship. The master himself was stern but knows when to take a joke and have a good time whereas the apprentice himself tries to take his work seriously, but is unsure of himself. For spoilers, I won't reveal as to why the reader had such a relationship, but the point I'm trying to make is that you need to distinguish your relationship more.

With your plot, I think you are heading into the right direction, but it would be nice if you could drop more hints here to maintain more of the reader's interest. This piece seems to follow the "Apprentice betrays the master/ the society that he lives in" kind of route. Again, this is quite overdone, so you would need to somehow make this different from the rest. I actually would like to know more about the King's reaction. I think he was rather annoyed at such a decision, but I could be wrong. It's your job to freshen his reaction out more to add more meat to your plot.

Overall, this was quite decent, and I may be back to check up on your future chapters.

Good luck.

Andy.
"To the edge of the universe and back. Endure and survive."




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 4933
Reviews 45
If this is the first chapter, I would like to read the rest of the story!
"Madness rides the Star wind"

HP Lovecraft. Ironic, no?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 805
Reviews 336
Hey there,

I'm here for the requested review in Will Review for Food.

“ You got lucky there, Master. It won’t happen again.”

There is an extra space after the quotations mark, that should never be there.

It was what made him such a good warrior.
This sentence is a bit on the bland side, use show not tell, I understand that it may be hard because in my story I tend to do things like this a lot but try to say this in a different way.


Dracon blade was everywhere at once, striking at him from the side, overhead.

Do you mean Dracon Blade as in Blade is his last name or do you mean Dracon’s blade? I think you mean Dracon’s blade.
 
“ That was before I met a foe as swift as ya.” They turned and walked out of the stone circle in which they had sparred, the crowd side-stepping as they past.

I do not like that the old honorable master would talk in a somewhat less than eloquent way. He seems to be very respectful and in this he sounds like an American Mid-Western.

“I do no such thing. And stop calling me master. Ya past out of my care four years ago.”

Again I dislike the “ya”.

“ I must say that I seem hardly capable of keepin’ up with ya anymore. You seem to get quicker while I get slower.”

I really like the you get quicker when I get slower sentence. J But again I don’t like the ya or the keepin’

" Stop lying boy. Ya know it’s true.” Ramar sniffed the air. “Guardians save us boy, ya stink! Go scrub off before ya stuck smellin like that forever.”
Again with the “ya”

Dracon obeyed and sprinted off. Ramar watched him go for a second, shook, his head, and walked away, wandering through his thoughts.

There shouldn’t be a comma after shook.

“Why may I ask?” he grunted.
**

I think this would work better as grumbled while stirring his food around the plate, his appetite gone or something like that. Add a little bit more than just grunted. I really think that grumbled would work better tham grunted because grunted reminded me of an ogre of some sort and this is a king not a troll.

“Don’t get me wrong, my Lord. I take great pride in serving you. It’s just that I believe that there is someone who is now more suited for the job.”

I think this sounds just a bit too 21st century. Change that to something more of this time frame.

Jairon sat in his study during the late hours of the night, looking over reports. The room was one of the most lavish in the castle. Beautiful silk tapestries hung from the ceiling and ancient weapons, some said to have been used by the great Kilmne to drive out the Rendorians and reclaim the land, were nailed to the wall. Carpet and rich rugs lay covering the floor. A giant fireplace, accompanied by a roaring fire, sat off to the left. He sat a desk made of the finest wood. But Jairon paid no attention to any this, engulfed in his thoughts. He scratched his pale goatee absentmindedly. Rebellion was rising in all the corners of the land. Layne Nightlander was said to be gathering an army in the south. If only they knew how futile that was. No one had ever defeated his Order of Assassins.
The fools these men were, talking of creating a new government, free from monarchy. Like they knew how to rule. Who better to govern the land than the king? And by fighting him, they force him to take drastic matters. He would starve the people. Until the rebels gave themselves up, he would withhold all food from the reserves. He would teach the land who ruled, even if he had to destroy every city from the ground up.


This paragraph was good in general, I found no problems with it. Nice use of description. I like the king's point of view and his strict ways of dealing with rebels.



Overall

I liked this. It was well written and intriguing. The characters were very developed and personalized which is surprising (in a good way) considering it's only chapter one. It may be a bit cliche with the whole student better than master thing but you pulled it a different way. I like the king's point of view the most. He seemed like the man who was just tired of it all and wanted to relax. Maybe he should have some family as most kings have a million kids running around the place. :) Other than that overall nice job. I give this a 4.5 out of 5.
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 19723
Reviews 225
This was really good! I enjoyed the battle scene, I just love those kinds of stories!

Overall anything else I might've wanted to say has already been said, so I'll stick with Good Job! :lol:
Got a story you'd like reviewed?
topic75101.html

Punctuation is the difference between "Let's eat, Grandma" and "Let's eat Grandma".



If I see an American in real life or a kiwi in a blockbuster, it feels surreal and weird, and like a funny trip.
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi