From the Inside Looking Out

A solitary figure
cold winds cover her
thicker than a blanket.

Gray skies
falling leaves
dirt turns to ice.

Wind flaps itself
like a sheet being shaken
leaves dance on the street.

The metalic ping
of metal meeting leather enclosed rubber,
the sound of footsteps
echoing at my door

She jumps,
the cold rousing her from her dreams
and as she sits
the world turns black
she turns blue
there's nothing i can do-

I'm on the inside looking out.

Wow. Alright, I'll be truthful here: It's kinda confusing. But the end is powerful, and I like it a lot.

A sloitary figure

Should be solitary, not sloitary

dirt turns to ice.

A little confusing.. But if I think about it long enough, I guess it makes sense. Like it's really really cold lol.

Wind flaps itself

It flaps itself? I don't know.. I just don't like that phrase. It doesn't make sense to me..

of metal meeting leather enclosed rubber,

Once again, doesn't make sense to me.. Do you mean leather enclosed IN rubber?

The rest seems ok. Once again, you are a powerful writer when it comes to poetry dealing with emotions and thoughts! [/quote]

lol, ok crysi, i guess you need an explination. first off, there's a reason you edit my stuff: i can't spell!

yes, it's very cold outside (in the poem!)

leave my wind references alone! lol, i like it

and you wouldn't know a baseball (reference) if it hit you on the head (dancing naked wearing dobby's tea cozy.. sorry, ahem, i don't know what came over me.. lol), would you?

so it makes more sense, i was sitting in the car, for an hour, cause my brothers baseabll practice ran late. (i only went 'cause mom promised to take me to a book store), and it was cold and windy. baseball bats + baseballs= ping sound. if you've heard that sound, it is a metalic ping (they won'y use wood bats, don't ask me why, they use metal ones). any other questions?

Very well done.

I like this very much. Its abstract, and that is what makes it interesting and one of a kind.
You might want to clear it up because you do not want to explain your work to the reader.

Good job, Meshugenah.

Hey, I liked it. Never mind that it's very late and I'm hyper, I still think it's good.

I have the devil's number now! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I like it, the last line wraps it up quite nicely.

She jumps,
the cold rousing her from her dreams
and as she sits
the world turns black
she turns blue
there's nothing i can do-

I'm on the inside looking out.

This last part is very nice and explains the whole poem very well.

thanks everyone. mael, what do you mean exactly?

this was nice, enjoyed reading it, cant think of anythign to say at the moment

I am not sure if some of this was intentional, but here goes...

A solitary figure
cold winds cover her
thicker than a blanket.

I would add a comma after her.

The metalic ping
of metal meeting leather enclosed rubber,
the sound of footsteps
echoing at my door

I was unsure as to what the ping was as well as what was echoing, the footsteps or the ping.

She jumps,
the cold rousing her from her dreams
and as she sits
the world turns black
she turns blue
there's nothing i can do-

First off, this was my favorite part. I would add a comma after sits as well as after black.

Powerful ending, powerful beginning, powerful poem... Good job!

nice. i like the bit of a twist ending.

I like it. It sounds like something from the Yukon Very Happy In case you haven't heard of the Yukon, it's a territory in Northern Canada which is very, very cold. Winter is practically 10 months a year. But the peom just seems to fit the Yukon's scenery. The whole bit of the dirt turning to ice is very understandable if you've been to the Yukon in the winter. The poem can be a little confusing sometimes, but it's still very good and pretty origonal. I like the finish.

Thanks guys! I'm not sure about puncation right now, might add it, might not.

I was unsure as to what the ping was

have you ever been to a baseball game (more little league then major league) but if so, you will understand the ping.