Thief...Chapter one...Night Watch

Chapter 1: Night Watch

I stared up at the watch tower; moss covered the crevices with a dark green colour casting long shadows across the rain splattered cobbled stone streets. The large man guarding the outer rim of the town stared out in to the thick of the trees beyond the large wooden fence guarding the town from raids.
I sunk back into the shadows my boots flicked the water around me, spraying the floor next to me. I hear the guard sighing heavily leaning back against the wooden post. The heavy foot falls of guards crossing the streets and the sound of the husky voices echoed through the thin walls.
“I thought the Commander said he was supposed to come tonight” A high voice muttered from the top of the watch tower. I froze simultaneously my heart jumping into my throat.
“What the thief?” A voice coming from the ground roared over the howling winds.
“Yes”
“I haven’t spotted him yet, the thief is probably creeping around somewhere on the outer edge…” Turning I slinked across the wall my heart tightening. Already I was known over ht word for being a world renowned thief. Turning into a fast jog once I managed to get out of ear shot, I sprinted across the shadows slowly every so often I heard the sound of an ignorant guard. The two daggers at my side, thumped across my legs as I jumped behind a merchants stall landing in a cat like position. The flickering of a dying fire coming from inside of the blacksmiths cottage hollered outwards casting a shadow over me.
“You came here for a reason Gabriel” I muttered to myself squatting behind an anvil, the smell of rusty metal licked at my nostrils. “You came to steal that orb from Mage Attalla,” picking my way through the metals scattered messily on the floor I launched myself forward passing through the darkness.
The sound of the talking guards had died to a hushed whisper as I skirted as quickly as I could through the streets. The moons light shone down on top of me lighting up the star scattered skies with an eerie light. I looked up slowly; the Mage Attalla’s room was just above me now. The large window was spread wide, the moons light cast inwards. White curtains flew outside the large doors licking at the foundations next to the railings.
Rushing forward I pressed my hand to the hard foundations a small smile creeping across me face.
“Gold here I come” Looking up, I stared at the marble adorned railing. Stumbling back I frowned at the thick poles keeping the roof from falling.
“Now to just get in,” Pulling the rope off of my waist I tied it to the end of one of my daggers. Locking it nimbly at the bottom I began to twirl the rope tyring to catch speed. Releasing the rope in my left hand the dagger swung upwards towards the largest pole. The blade glinted in the moonlight as the rays hit the metal wrapping it in an eerie light. The rough sound of it spinning through the night echoed loudly in my ears. Landing on the floor with a clang it began to fall back downwards, the rope sliding from my gloved hands.
“Hey did you hear that?” A voice asked gravely. I bit my lip as the dagger came flying back towards the ground, landing next to me. Grinding my teeth together I picked it up quickly beginning to spin the rope again.
“Yes I did” A another voice replied suspiciously “It came from Mage Attalla’s window”. Throwing it upwards the dagger spun through the air striking the largest pole, chipping some of the marble. It struck the floor, this time the noise louder.
“I heard it again” I felt the dagger sliding back across the veranda screeching as the hilt scratched into the veranda. I could hear the sounds of their metal shoes hitting the ground as they hurried towards me, water splashing in all directions. Tugging the dagger worriedly I felt it catch on something. Staring upwards I saw it leaning dangerously on the railing. Taking in a deep breath I lunged forward scaling up the walls, my feet scratched the walls as I climbed as quickly as I could. Their voices were getting louder as I pulled myself up. Biting in to my tongue I began to pull the rope up my heart skipping a beat. Grabbing at the dagger nimbly, I saw their shadows walk out hauntingly into the moonlit clearing. Pushing myself into the Mages room I stared out in the night watching as the guards stopped under the veranda. I pressed the dagger to my chest hoping they wouldn’t look up.
“I swear I heard something” One of them said angrily
“Me too, maybe I shouldn’t be drinking all that ale before I start working” Their voices began to recede as they went back to their stations, cursing at the squirrels which jumped playfully over the rooves. I sighed relieved, turning I blinked at the silhouetted bed lying in the middle of a vastly decorated room. Paintings covered every stretch of the walls; books were piled on the floors, individual papers hunger from the binders flapping in the wind. Standing up I felt my knees crack in pain. A woman lay on the bed her head buried in the white pillows. Her long black hair hung down her back in a mass of coiled tendrils, glittered with gold.
Walking up to her bed I stared down at the mage, her soft snores were hardly audible. Her large white silk robe outlined her figure revealing all the curves. Turning my attention away from her I stared at the staff next to the bed. Smiling I watched glow a dark green light. Rune marks were engraved down the sides, making rhythmic patterns towards the bottom of the sharp point. The large orb on the top of the alcove of the crescent moon spun rapidly as I walked closer to it.
I wrapped my fingers around the thick engraved wood staring at the orb. Throwing the staff in the air the light danced as it came back down. I caught it in my hand smiling, “bingo” I whispered turning the staff around in my hands.
“I could use this” turning I walked away from the mage towards the window. The moon was slowly sinking behind the hills fringing the outskirts causing the trees into a dark silence.
“Hey what are you doing!?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I hoped you like it, please comment and tell me your opinion. Good or bad I do not mind either way, thank you.

Apple wrote:“I haven’t spotted him yet, the thief is probably creeping around somewhere on the outer edge…”

just read it and i liked it. so far the only thing i can find bad is this line. we have already established in the lines before that he is the thief so instead of "the thief is probably creeping around somewhere on the outer edge…"
just say "I haven’t spotted him yet, he's probably creeping around somewhere on the outer edge…"
but yeah very good! sorry im not much of a reviewer. any chance of a review of my story?

Apple wrote:Rushing forward I pressed my hand to the hard foundations, a small smile creeping across me face.

[/color]
comma in red

Hey Apple, I'm here to review your story! I've been called a harsh critiquer, so please bear with me!

First off, I think you've got a good plot, it's definitely got me intrigued. However, there were quite a few grammatical errors that I noticed; if you fixed those up, it'd make the story much easier to read. So, onto the nitpicking!

Critique
I stared up at the watch tower; moss covered the crevices with a dark green colour casting long shadows across the rain splattered cobbled stone streets. Okay, first sentence and you've given the reader a huge amount of description to absorb. You could probably break this up into two separate sentences that are easier to read. The large man guarding the outer rim of the town stared out in to the thick of the trees beyond the large wooden fence guarding the town from raids.
I sunk back into the shadows; my boots flicked the water around me, spraying the floor next to me. I hear the guard sighing heavily, leaning back against the wooden post. The heavy foot falls of guards crossing the streets and the sound of the husky voices echoed through the thin walls.
“I thought the Commander said he was supposed to come tonight,” Aa high voice muttered "high voice" doesn't exactly fit with "muttered," which to me brings to mind someone with a gruffer, moodier voice. from the top of the watch tower. I froze simultaneously, my heart jumping into my throat.
“What, the thief?” Aa voice coming from the ground roared over the howling winds. Okay, so you just said the first guard muttered, and now this one is roaring. Those are two very different levels of speaking, so you need to pick one and make the other agree with it (so either they're both speaking normally or they're both yelling).
“Yes.”
“I haven’t spotted him yet,A semicolon, not comma, is needed here the thief is probably creeping around somewhere on the outer edge…” New paragraph here -->Turning, I slinked across the wall, my heart tightening. Already I was known over ht word I'm afraid I don't really understand this. Is it necessary? Because if you take it out, the sentence reads just fine without it. for being a world renowned thief. Turning Mm not really the right word here; maybe something like "Breaking". into a fast jog once I managed to get out of ear shot, I sprinted across the shadows slowly Okay, for the part I highlighted in green, how can he be sprinting slowly? A sprint is a short, fast run. New sentence here --> every so often, I heard the sound of an ignorant guard. The two daggers at my side, no comma here thumped across my legs as I jumped behind a merchant's stall, landing in a cat like position. The flickering of a dying fire coming from inside of the blacksmith's cottage hollered This is more of a sound description, not a sight description. outwards casting a shadow over me.
“You came here for a reason Gabriel,” I muttered to myself, squatting behind an anvil, the smell of rusty metal licked at my nostrils. “You came to steal that orb from Mage Attalla,Period, not a comma, when the character's done talking.” New paragraph here --> picking my way through the metals scattered messily on the floor, I launched myself forward, passing through the darkness.
The sound of the talking guards had died to a hushed whisper as I skirted as quickly as I could through the streets. The moon's light shone down on top of me, lighting up the star scattered skies with an eerie light. You've used "light" three times here (in green), so you need to find some other way of expressing the sentence. I looked up slowly; the Mage Attalla’s room was just above me now. The large window was spread wide, the moon's light cast inwards. White curtains flew outside the large doors, licking at the foundations next to the railings.
Rushing forward I pressed my hand to the hard foundations, a small smile creeping across me my face.
“Gold here I come.” Looking up, I stared at the marble adorned railing. Stumbling back I frowned at the thick poles keeping the roof from falling.
“Now to just get in,period” New paragraph here -->Pulling the rope off of my waist, I tied it to the end of one of my daggers. Locking it nimbly at the bottom I began to twirl the rope tyring to catch speed. Releasing the rope in my left hand the dagger swung upwards towards the largest pole. The blade glinted in the moonlight as the rays hit the metal wrapping it in an eerie light. The rough sound of it spinning through the night echoed loudly in my ears. Landing on the floor with a clang it began to fall back downwards, the rope sliding from my gloved hands.
“Hey, did you hear that?” Aa voice asked gravely I don't know if "gravely" is the right word for this situation. I bit my lip as the dagger came flying back towards the ground, landing next to me. Grinding my teeth together I picked it up, quickly beginning to spin the rope again.
“Yes I did,” A another voice replied suspiciously. “It came from Mage Attalla’s window”. Throwing it upwards, the dagger spun through the air, striking the largest pole, and chipping some of the marble. It struck the floor, this time the noise louder.
“I heard it again,” New paragraph here -->I felt the dagger sliding back across the veranda, screeching as the hilt scratched into the veranda. Again, you're being very repetitive here. I could hear the sounds of their metal shoes hitting the ground as they hurried towards me, water splashing in all directions. Tugging the dagger worriedly I felt it catch on something. Staring upwards I saw it leaning dangerously on the railing. Taking in a deep breath I lunged forward scaling up the walls, my feet scratched the walls as I climbed as quickly as I could. Their voices were getting louder as I pulled myself up. Biting in to my tongue, I began to pull the rope up, my heart skipping a beat. Grabbing at the dagger nimbly, I saw their shadows walk out hauntingly into the moonlit clearing. Pushing myself into the Mages room I stared out in the night watching as the guards stopped under the veranda. I pressed the dagger to my chest hoping they wouldn’t look up.
“I swear I heard something,” Oone of them said angrily
“Me too, maybe I shouldn’t be drinking all that ale before I start working.” Their voices began to recede as they went back to their stations, cursing at the squirrels which jumped playfully over the rooves roofs. I sighed, relieved, and turning I blinked at the silhouetted bed lying in the middle of a vastly decorated room. Paintings covered every stretch of the walls; books were piled on the floors, individual papers hunger hung from the binders flapping in the wind. New paragraph here -->Standing up I felt my knees crack in pain. Another new paragraph; you're also going to want to make the last sentence flow smoothly into this one. A woman lay on the bed, her head buried in the white pillows. Her long black hair hung down her back in a mass of coiled tendrils, glittered glittering with gold.
Walking up to her bed I stared down at the mage, New sentence here --> her soft snores were hardly audible. Her large white silk robe outlined her figure, revealing all the curves. Turning my attention away from her, I stared at the staff next to the bed. Smiling I watched it glow a dark green light. Very awkward wording here, I had to read it again to get it. Perhaps you could reword it to something like "Smiling, I watched as it glowed with a dark green light." Just clears up the little points for the reader. Rune marks were engraved down the sides, making rhythmic patterns towards the bottom of the sharp point. The large orb on the top of the alcove of the crescent moon spun rapidly as I walked closer to it.
I wrapped my fingers around the thick engraved wood, staring at the orb. Throwing the staff in the air, the light danced as it came back down. I caught it in my hand smiling,period, and then a new paragraph here --> “bingo” "Bingo," is how it should look. I whispered, turning the staff around in my hands.
“I could use this.” tTurning, I walked away from the mage towards the window. The moon was slowly sinking behind the hills, fringing the outskirts causing the trees into a dark silence. This sounds awkward. Try rewording it to something like, "fringing the outskirts and casting the trees with a dark silence."
“Hey what are you doing!?” This was way too abrupt of an ending. You need to add something about what type of voice is calling, where it's calling from, etc. For example, "Just as I was going to leave, though, a sharp voice from behind me called, 'Stop! What do you think you're doing?' " You see how that gives the reader something to still picture, but leaves them with a little cliffhanger?
End of critique


Okay, so as I was going through your story, I realized that the majority of your issues were grammatically-based. There are a lot of mistakes with the punctuation, capitalization, dialogue, and run-on sentences. However, don't be discouraged! There are a lot of people who have trouble with those issues (including yours truly!) and with lots of practice you'll get the hang of it.

I'd recommend taking a look at these excellent threads on grammar: topic44898.html, topic19430.html, topic49052.html, and topic44752.html

I spend so much time reading these threads and more in the Grammar and Research forum; it's really chock-full of great tips and rules.

Anyways, I'm interested in seeing where you take this story. Keep writing!

Howdy there!

Ah, I love indulging myself in stories that are filled with thieves. Glad I finally found one

I never read previous reviews so I apologize in advance if I repeat anything that has been stated already or been recommended. Also, I'm a tad rusty at reviewing so I'm going to keep this short and sweet and pray I've been helpful. Here we go!

Dialogue:

Your characters words are fine. It's how you construct your sentences and such is why I am pointing this out. In order to keep myself from confusing you, I'm going to use the Knowledge Base. Something I should do more often. Check out this page to see how you can fix those dialogue problems.

Sentences & Commas:

It doesn't really matter if your sentence is long or short. However, there is a time and a place for each. I'm going to give a minor complaint and say you have some rather long sentences which can easily be shortened down or split into separate sentences of their own. Sometimes if you want a tense, action scene, those short choppy sentences are quite useful

Now for that comma lecture. Joking. Try rereading your sentences out loud to catch those natural pauses. That's where you should place those commas which you seem to be lacking in this chapter. You need those commas to better your work. Just don't overuse them. My teacher pointed out that I do...

Description:

The description is lovely in this piece. However, I feel you could use a tad bit more in places to make the area where your MC more alive. I don't really have a feel for it and can't really imagine the place.

Character:

All right! This is the first chapter and we have thus only been introduced to your MC. However, I'm going to be a whiner and declare said character does not have enough thoughts. That is always a problem when it comes to First Person. Give your character some thoughts and emotion to make him more alive. To bring out his personality. Your story will defiantly blossom even more when the characters are more alive feeling.

Plot and Everything Else:

Don't know exactly what everything else is and I don't believe I have any comments on the plot. Suppose I just had to put that. I'm getting a tad tired so I'm going to cut this short.

Your cliffhanger needs a bit more at the end there. Give it a bit more emotion or description. Of course, your reader doesn't know your MC too well yet and we haven't exactly developed a love or hatred for him (I say hatred 'cause the main characters is many stories are never my favourite). So we won't exactly be reading on to see what happens to your character. We'll be reading on to see what happens period.

Sorry, I've lost my train of thought. Blast you train! Ahem, sorry. And sorry once more for leading you on like that and not being able to actually complete said thought. Should defiantly get some sleep.

Overall:

An interesting story with plenty of potential. Just work on your character a bit more and those grammatical errors. Those little errors are what is beating down your story and not letting it grow to its full potential.

Can't wait to read the rest. I love stories with thieves in them.

If you have any questions or whatnot, feel free to PM me!

Cheers,

Meadow

Hi there Apple,

I'm Tanya and here goes my review!

I stared up at the watch tower; moss covered the crevices with a dark green colour casting long shadows across the rain splattered cobbled stone streets.

Ok, at first this is very visual, which is nice, but then I reread it and went 'wait a minute'. The way you phrased this sounds like it's the moss that's casting long shadows and that can't possibly be right. Maybe break up this sentence or rephrase it.

I froze simultaneously my heart jumping into my throat.

This sentence needs to be redone. Something like 'simultaneously I froze and my heart jumped in my throat. Or something like that.

“What the thief?” A voice coming from the ground roared over the howling winds.

definitely need a comma here between 'what' and 'the'. It sounds like you would say 'what the hell?' but that's not the point, right?

Okay, I'm not going any further with the review because most of it has been pointed out but I did want to mention, much like the other ones before me, that your biggest issues are grammar and punctiation. It really removes the nice flow of your very visual writing when we have to go back and figure out how exactly you meant your sentence to sound, do you know what I mean?

But I really liked it, read it to the end. You have a very intriguing story line here and I'd be interested in finding out where it goes . ..

Tanya

"I stared up at the watch tower; moss covered the crevices with a dark green colour casting long shadows across the rain splattered cobbled stone streets." -This is just my opinion, but I would change it to either "across the rain-spattered streets" or "across the cobble-stoned streets." It's just a little overly-descriptive. Other than that, adding a few commas/semicolons every now and then wouldn't hurt, but it's a cool story! Keep it up, I'd read more.