snow falling on cedars

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chimes of ice hang from the saplings like bells attached to
gypsy ankles, cold, and clear-voiced as they lip from the limbs
and you and I trudge through the snow, our boots crunching
and the runes of animal prints and icefall creating glyphs and characters
in the snow, like the dead language of some temporary, winter civilization.
you tell me that this is the last snowfall of the winter; we carry armfuls
of firewood, muttony with moss and keeping little toes of fungus. the
fog and the snow dress the trees in morning bedclothes, rising tired
and stretching and pillowed.

the creek barely runs, and it is a steel vein, faultless, voiceless mercury –
we follow it until we reach the footbridge that has been over the creek
since as long as I can remember. the cedars groan in their winter convents
and all around us snow thumps from their branches, dropped babies,
blue hoodwinks. there are snowflakes in your eyelashes, your nose
is red and the world is seen, but not heard around us; silent film,
gray reels, scratches and jitters in the flatness.

we stop at higgins' grave, a bearish german shepherd whose plot is the size
of a human's. the little cross wards off the toadstools popping up around it
and you drop your wood and scoop aside the snow at the foot of
one of the cedars overlooking the grave, gently – thin, pliant green sproutlings
whistling up from the ice and bondage, quiet and
only aware of us, like asides in a play.

we arise. we
listen to the glottal tones
of the falling snow. placebo sun
through the forest canopy, we make our way home,
stepping carefully now for the seedlings
that may be underfoot and going quietly,
so as not to awake them early.
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




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My, my this is lovely. I almost forgot to stop reading. :D

I don't understand the verb to lip in line 2. Perhaps a different one-syllable verb? The first line of the second stanza might flow better if you took out "and" from "...and it is a steel vein..." The third line of the same stanza ("since as long as I can remember") would sound better if "since" were changed to "for". "Higgins'" should be capitalized. Then maybe "a little cross wards of the toadstools." Gently sounds a bit awkward at the end of the sentence, more like an after thought than how you are moving snow. I don't understand "Placebo sun", though it sounds great, I just don't think it makes any sense because a placebo is a useless medication and the sun is... just not a placebo. The last word "early" can be chopped off, as it doesn't really have a use, because just the idea that you may wake the seedlings implies that they are going to wake up some time. After "under foot" there should be a comma for a better-read line.

Overall, I love it. The flow is spectacular. I am slightly envious of your talent. ;]

- Clara
"You know what to beautify is, I suppose?"

"Yes," said Alice doubtfully: "it means--to--make--anything--prettier."

"Well, then," the Gryphon went on, "if you don't know what to uglify is, you are a simpleton."




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Hello Kylan! Thought I'd stop by for a review.

bluebells of ice hang from the saplings like bells attached to
gypsy ankles


I find this simile somewhat redundant. Because they're bluebells, comparing them to bells just reads as repetitive to me. The continuation, where you begin talking about sound, I enjoyed. Because I've heard (and worn) bells similar to those you're describing, I got a good picture.

Your final stanza reads as choppy to me. After setting up a pattern of long stanzas with flowing sentences, your sudden switch to short lines and a couple of short sentences (your first two) made it harder for me to understand the stanza. I had a harder time seeing how you closed all the threads and metaphors up.

Actually, I don't find you do close them all up, completely. In the third stanza you introduce the dog, but it gets quickly overshadowed by the sproutlings. These sproutlings aren't really given enough time to develop into a metaphor or symbol before you finish the poem, and seem to rest a lot of weight on them in the final stanza. I didn't exactly get the connection. (My only guess is a correlation to the first stanza, when there's the final snowfall of the winter mention)

Hope this helped, and feel free to PM me with any questions.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




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Hey you - oh my god, I know, I'm reviewing, isn't this nuts?!

chimes of ice hang from the saplings like bells attached to
gypsy ankles, cold, and clear-voiced as they lip from the limbs

Chimes of ice -- what an interesting little phrase to start with, I rather like it. Although I don't understand what you mean by "lip from the limbs" -- lip, limbs... I would consider revising this part, I just don't find the word "lip" appropriate in this sentence, it's muddling it up, and it's already long so one has to be careful about that. It's okay to be unclear, but in a poem with so much imagery I think word choice is very important.

and the runes of animal prints and icefall creating glyphs and characters
in the snow, like the dead language of some temporary, winter civilization.

Can you get rid of like here? Oh please oh please?

the creek barely runs, and it is a steel vein, faultless, voiceless mercury –
we follow it until we reach the footbridge that has been over the creek
since as long as I can remember.

Hm, try not to mention the creek twice. The repetition here makes me feel more like I'm reading a story rather than a poem, I feel like this can restructured to omit saying that word again, "we reach the footbridge that has been there for as long as I can remember". But, yeah, this is purely subjective.

This poem has such strong imagery. Reading the long lines makes me think of reading Whitman back in my earlier English classes. I do like poems with long lines -- I favor them, but I also think that since this poem is so wordy you have to be careful with some of your words, because they can get lost in the long sentences. I suggest going through this poem again and perhaps trying to trim it -- cut out a line or two, or omit/change some words. I believe doing so will help some of the images stand out more.

But it's been so long since I reviewed, I'm pretty sure I have cobwebs in that part of my brain.

Anyway.

Hopefully I will read more from you soon--

<3 Clo
How am I not myself?



Just because you don't feel like a hero in your own story, doesn't mean you're not a hero in someone else's.
— Tenyo